Monday, June 1

Today I am grateful for:

Not raining! We've had about three inches of rain in the last week.

I am grateful that it seems that we didn't have any damage from the high winds last night.

A good phone call with Mom. She seemed pretty lucid and okay. Right now there's usually someone with her, either my trainwreck sister or my nephew.

Going to town today, and Winner's is open. I was able to find two pairs of jeans that fit me well, (the jeans I bought part of the way into losing weight are now too loose in the waist; I have to cinch them up with a belt or they don't stay up. Now that my weight has been pretty stable for a few months, I feel like I can buy some jeans again.), a fitted black T-shirt (all my old shirts seem huge on me now), and a cute pair of shoes.

I have to say, going into Winner's for the first time in about three months was scary good. Not only is it the old shopping habit, but it's kind of a taste of life before Covid. I was okay with not shopping, and it wasn't bothering me much to not shop, but it's a rush for sure, and that's kind of too bad.

I also picked up groceries again, and tried not to be shocked at how much food it takes to feed us. I have to remember that this is what it's like when there are two people at home, and that normally he would be buying groceries too when he's away at work.

Talking to my eldest sister when I got home. I kind of hate how all of my conversations now end up being about how frustrated I am about the house and the yard. I've become this angry person, and yet I want to be a happy person. I used to be much more happy, much more fun. I miss that person.

I can be nice around my husband, but that means just not talking about the house, and then another day goes by where nothing meaningful gets done or decided towards the house. Another day goes by that not one goddamn thing towards finishing the house happens.

This set of five days off that my sweetie has coming, he's planning on helping our friend continue to tear down his house. Sure, that means he can come take some of the dirt pile in our yard away to fill in the old basement hole in his yard when it's all done, but that's another five days where we aren't building our addition. Then it's back to work for nine days for my sweetie, with absolutely nothing being done on those days.

Sunday:

For seeing River at the barn. I didn't really ride (for a few minutes) because it started storming while we were in the arena, so I felt like it wasn't safe with all the noise and wind (he might spook), so I did ground work with him. He did pretty well staying calm considering that it sounded like all Hell was breaking loose outside.

We had high winds, a tornado warning, and a buttload of rain.

I am grateful that I made it home safely, that River behaved well throughout (even leading him outside into the storm and back to his pen he was fine), and that I could spend the evening in the comfort of our home.

That Roxy is okay with storms. She was at home in the porch, and was just fine.

That it had mostly settled down by the time I had to go do chores.

What would Chris Hadfield do?

For those who don't know who Chris Hadfield is, he is a Canadian Astronaut. He played "Space Oddity" while in orbit, and that got him a lot of attention. He's also written some great books about his experiences and insights as an astronaut.

I always wonder about people like Chris. What made him so confident, so capable, so calm, so likable. When he's being interviewed, or doing a video from space, he kind of comes across as the perfect human being, or as close as we are capable of being.

He comes across as open-minded, a problem solver, definitely not someone who feels like a victim. He doesn't come across as someone who expects life to be perfect; instead, as an astronaut he spent a lot of time expecting everything to try to go wrong, and to become competent enough to correct those problems, sometimes by learning new habits, or changing something in a tool or his physical environment, or taking it to the engineers and seeing if they could work on it.

He seems like the kind of person who, once he's set a goal, would be relentless about accomplishing that goal. Not in a burn out in a cloud of smoke way, but in a get up every day an hour earlier if I have to, identify any weaknesses or flaws in the plan, consult all the experts, learn all I can, practice what I know, push all my limits, learn to love failure as a tool for learning kind of way.

He seems very positive. More like anything that didn't work just makes him more curious about how it could work.

I bet he's not a hoarder. He's probably fairly clean and tidy. Either that, or there's a lot of people just taking care of all the daily stuff for him. Maybe he isn't mowing the lawn much himself, or organizing his closet. I wonder if he goes shopping for himself. Maybe he has a whole basement full of trophies, awards, old textbooks and notes, bits and pieces of mechanical stuff, memorabilia from his life and travels.

Maybe his spouse, assistants, and so on do a lot things for him to free him up for his very important life.

Wouldn't that be weird, to be going on television and someone just brings you clothes? They wouldn't even feel like your clothes. Just some clothes that showed up. Then they went away again. Maybe he brings his own clothes. I wonder if he went somewhere and tried those clothes on first, or if his wife just brings home a stack of shirts and jeans for him to try on at home, and whatever doesn't work she just takes back to the stores. That would be weird too.

There are likely people telling him what to wear, or at least someone to prevent him from wearing his gross old wool sweater out in public, or ugly cargo pants. Or hiking boots with shorts to formal events, or dated sports jackets. He always looks nice and crisp. He can't always be doing this without help.

So, does someone also go through his closet and toss stuff for him too?

I wouldn't mind having the confidence and competence of Chris. To have the confidence to do scary things, but feel less afraid because I feel that I have the skills and support to do those things pretty safely. Even if it just made me feel better about navigating my daily life with confidence.

I wonder if he still feels horrible and helpless when his pets get sick, or when a loved one is ill. I wonder if he still has some big regrets, or ruminates over a disagreement with someone on Facebook, or looks back on something he did with shame or self-loathing.

Does he really like himself? Does he like the person he is inside?

What would he say his faults are, perhaps a lack of spontaneity? No flexibility? Too much focus on his goals, not enough focus on his family?

A person like him just seems so different from a person like me. You wonder how we can both be humans.