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Friday, February 7
Feb. 8th, 2025 01:23 amToday I am grateful for:
Okay temperatures today, though we are headed right back into the deeper cold again. Sigh.
I got decent sleep.
Trainwreck called again, and I don't even know what we talked about. Just talked. To some degree I get it, she's alone, probably very sick, and can't go out.
At the same time, I cannot give up my life to talk to her all the time. What she wants, is to talk to someone ALL THE TIME now. From what I gather from other sisters, she talks with them every day now too, Sister S says she calls her about three times a day.
So she's having seven or eight conversations every day? I know she probably talks to her sons often, probably my niece A, Sister L, Sister S, and Sister E.
I called Sister S because I haven't talked to her in well over a week. She's the one with trouble walking from back pain, waiting for surgery.
Of course we talked about Trainwreck, because none of us can EVER have a conversation without talking about her.
Then we talked about Sister S's pain and trouble doing every day things. For quite a while.
Then Sister S wanted to talk about every other person in our family, their pain and suffering.
After a very depressing and unnecessary 45 minutes of talking about nothing but awful things that I was already well aware of, I said "SO, can we talk about my life for a few minutes?".
That's not arrogant. I'm not "rubbing anything in" by talking about myself. I genuinely feel that when two people talk, they should each get a chance to talk about themselves a bit. Only fair, right?
Sister S literally said "Nah, we've already talked a long time". I replied "we can talk about everyone else's misery for 45 minutes, but you can't find the strength to listen to me talk for a few minutes about what I'm doing?"
She then went on to EXPLAIN to me, for several minutes, why she didn't want to hear about my life. I got pretty angry at that point and said "you've already spent more time telling me why you don't have time to talk about my life than I had planned to talk".
At that point, she grudgingly said "fine, go ahead". You could tell that she was angry with me, and so on.
You know what? I'm doing some pretty cool shit these days. I told her about learning how to stand up on River, and she actually responded with some surprise, that it was INTERESTING. I told her about our nice wood stove, that we've now had in our house for several months but she's never bothered to hear about it. She thought that was nice.
I told her about the drywall getting put up in the basement over Christmas, and the work we are now doing in the kitchen, and I talked about judging the speeches for 4-H.
I think she has forgotten that some people have some good things in their lives.
I get angry when she makes me feel bad for having a good life overall. She makes it sound like I don't understand or don't care that things are expensive, since we have money. We didn't always have money, and we have money because we are reasonable with it.
She makes me feel guilty for being healthy. Like I've taken something from her for being okay, or that I am a bad person.
Lately she seems to only care about the people in our family who are just outright miserable, and rarely mentions the good things that are happening in the lives of those that are doing okay.
I really get tired of feeling like I can't really help anyone in our family, since a lot of the suffering is from their own doing, or it is simply the inevitability of old age and there's not much to be done. I can't fix Trainwreck's addiction. I can't fix Sister P's bad lymphatic system, I can't fix my Brother M's marriage, I can't do much for the couple of nieces are single moms now. The nephew with five kids and a rough marriage who struggles every day with just not losing everything. Trainwreck.
I can't fix Sister S's damaged spine, or fix her financial situation, nor can I turn back the clock. She's almost seventy, but has smoked her whole life, didn't remain physically active, and is now just plain getting old. The kind of old that has to start thinking about whether or not she can get into a building from the parking lot. The kind of old that can't get pans out of the lower part of her cupboards.
She's not special though, is she? Why does she think she shouldn't be old, since everyone ends up there eventually. I can tell that on some level, she's angry that I am okay, as if I'm doing it to be spiteful.
So, that just made me feel like shit. I sure don't deserve it.
If anything, I made the best of what I could with life. I took care of my body, didn't drink or smoke and so on, kept trying to eat better and better to take care of myself. I try to get good sleep. I make sure to exercise. I chose not to have kids.
You could have put most of my sisters in my position with my husband, and they would have ruined it.
Moving on.
I did chores, and brought the goats outside (though I ended up bringing them back into the garage for the night).
I went to the barn, and THANK GOODNESS for this place.
I worked with River, and he did well. It was so CLEANSING to just do Liberty with him, listening to some newer music and just being present.
I stood again for a count of thirty, and was extremely aware of the symbolic defiance of the act of choosing to do something wonderful with my horse. I am a 52 year old woman, standing up on my 20 year old horse, listening to a beautiful piece of atmospheric electronica music while it's dark outside and -20 C. Our breath makes clouds together, and everything is still for thirty seconds.
The woman with health issues didn't want to be out in the cold tonight, but R asked if I would like to stay anyhow and work with some of her horses.
HELL YES!!!
I got to work with her mare Halle again, and Journey. First I worked with them separately at Liberty, getting connection with them, then R coached me through working with them as a team.
It went quite well. They've done a bit of work as a team, doing Liberty, so they had a bit of an idea what to do. I got good draw with them, and did well with keeping them abreast of each other and moving at a walk around the arena, then in a circle.
So. I'm a 52 year old woman who did team Liberty work tonight, with a pair of hot=blooded, sensitive Saddlebred horses. Not bad. Not bad at all.
This is what team liberty looks like. This is not me, or at the barn where I ride. It's just a video to give you an idea. I didn't do anything tonight other than walk with the two horses I was working with, but it's still pretty impressive to have two horses work with you without any tack.
https://youtu.be/KghEE4XMw64?si=5Cx7rVYkcX0cEMd-
Then I came home, and we ate (after putting the goats back in, and putting Dandy back with Ursula) and caught up on each other's day.
Okay temperatures today, though we are headed right back into the deeper cold again. Sigh.
I got decent sleep.
Trainwreck called again, and I don't even know what we talked about. Just talked. To some degree I get it, she's alone, probably very sick, and can't go out.
At the same time, I cannot give up my life to talk to her all the time. What she wants, is to talk to someone ALL THE TIME now. From what I gather from other sisters, she talks with them every day now too, Sister S says she calls her about three times a day.
So she's having seven or eight conversations every day? I know she probably talks to her sons often, probably my niece A, Sister L, Sister S, and Sister E.
I called Sister S because I haven't talked to her in well over a week. She's the one with trouble walking from back pain, waiting for surgery.
Of course we talked about Trainwreck, because none of us can EVER have a conversation without talking about her.
Then we talked about Sister S's pain and trouble doing every day things. For quite a while.
Then Sister S wanted to talk about every other person in our family, their pain and suffering.
After a very depressing and unnecessary 45 minutes of talking about nothing but awful things that I was already well aware of, I said "SO, can we talk about my life for a few minutes?".
That's not arrogant. I'm not "rubbing anything in" by talking about myself. I genuinely feel that when two people talk, they should each get a chance to talk about themselves a bit. Only fair, right?
Sister S literally said "Nah, we've already talked a long time". I replied "we can talk about everyone else's misery for 45 minutes, but you can't find the strength to listen to me talk for a few minutes about what I'm doing?"
She then went on to EXPLAIN to me, for several minutes, why she didn't want to hear about my life. I got pretty angry at that point and said "you've already spent more time telling me why you don't have time to talk about my life than I had planned to talk".
At that point, she grudgingly said "fine, go ahead". You could tell that she was angry with me, and so on.
You know what? I'm doing some pretty cool shit these days. I told her about learning how to stand up on River, and she actually responded with some surprise, that it was INTERESTING. I told her about our nice wood stove, that we've now had in our house for several months but she's never bothered to hear about it. She thought that was nice.
I told her about the drywall getting put up in the basement over Christmas, and the work we are now doing in the kitchen, and I talked about judging the speeches for 4-H.
I think she has forgotten that some people have some good things in their lives.
I get angry when she makes me feel bad for having a good life overall. She makes it sound like I don't understand or don't care that things are expensive, since we have money. We didn't always have money, and we have money because we are reasonable with it.
She makes me feel guilty for being healthy. Like I've taken something from her for being okay, or that I am a bad person.
Lately she seems to only care about the people in our family who are just outright miserable, and rarely mentions the good things that are happening in the lives of those that are doing okay.
I really get tired of feeling like I can't really help anyone in our family, since a lot of the suffering is from their own doing, or it is simply the inevitability of old age and there's not much to be done. I can't fix Trainwreck's addiction. I can't fix Sister P's bad lymphatic system, I can't fix my Brother M's marriage, I can't do much for the couple of nieces are single moms now. The nephew with five kids and a rough marriage who struggles every day with just not losing everything. Trainwreck.
I can't fix Sister S's damaged spine, or fix her financial situation, nor can I turn back the clock. She's almost seventy, but has smoked her whole life, didn't remain physically active, and is now just plain getting old. The kind of old that has to start thinking about whether or not she can get into a building from the parking lot. The kind of old that can't get pans out of the lower part of her cupboards.
She's not special though, is she? Why does she think she shouldn't be old, since everyone ends up there eventually. I can tell that on some level, she's angry that I am okay, as if I'm doing it to be spiteful.
So, that just made me feel like shit. I sure don't deserve it.
If anything, I made the best of what I could with life. I took care of my body, didn't drink or smoke and so on, kept trying to eat better and better to take care of myself. I try to get good sleep. I make sure to exercise. I chose not to have kids.
You could have put most of my sisters in my position with my husband, and they would have ruined it.
Moving on.
I did chores, and brought the goats outside (though I ended up bringing them back into the garage for the night).
I went to the barn, and THANK GOODNESS for this place.
I worked with River, and he did well. It was so CLEANSING to just do Liberty with him, listening to some newer music and just being present.
I stood again for a count of thirty, and was extremely aware of the symbolic defiance of the act of choosing to do something wonderful with my horse. I am a 52 year old woman, standing up on my 20 year old horse, listening to a beautiful piece of atmospheric electronica music while it's dark outside and -20 C. Our breath makes clouds together, and everything is still for thirty seconds.
The woman with health issues didn't want to be out in the cold tonight, but R asked if I would like to stay anyhow and work with some of her horses.
HELL YES!!!
I got to work with her mare Halle again, and Journey. First I worked with them separately at Liberty, getting connection with them, then R coached me through working with them as a team.
It went quite well. They've done a bit of work as a team, doing Liberty, so they had a bit of an idea what to do. I got good draw with them, and did well with keeping them abreast of each other and moving at a walk around the arena, then in a circle.
So. I'm a 52 year old woman who did team Liberty work tonight, with a pair of hot=blooded, sensitive Saddlebred horses. Not bad. Not bad at all.
This is what team liberty looks like. This is not me, or at the barn where I ride. It's just a video to give you an idea. I didn't do anything tonight other than walk with the two horses I was working with, but it's still pretty impressive to have two horses work with you without any tack.
https://youtu.be/KghEE4XMw64?si=5Cx7rVYkcX0cEMd-
Then I came home, and we ate (after putting the goats back in, and putting Dandy back with Ursula) and caught up on each other's day.
