Wednesday, June 11

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

The riding barn, how R manages to bring out the best in me, and the positive atmosphere.

For loving little critters to snuggle with.

Beautiful birds everywhere in summer abundance. Gold finches.


I'm going to be straight up, today was one of those wasted, bullshit kind of days.

I won't go into things too much, but last night there was just disappointment in my Sweetie, whether or not it was really something THAT bad, or if it was just my reaction. I was just not impressed.

So, of course that meant that we stayed up to hash things out a bit, which did lead to some progress, but not really erasing all disappointment. It meant that my Sweetie got very little sleep before work, and that I didn't sleep well, and that it just tainted everything.

It left me feeling emotionally bankrupt today, completely unwilling to bother doing anything besides the absolute necessary animal care.

Yes, I was also worn out and emotionally overloaded from recent events too, which maybe made things harder, but maybe I would actually have been much more reactive instead of merely kind of numb and disappointed.

I still don't know how to feel about things, as I realize that "normal" can mean a lot of different things, and intention is very different from result.

So, I spent the day brooding and tired, and wondering how a person gets on with things, or if we need to really look at what exactly we're doing here, and if there's a way to make things better.

I spoke with my friend D, who is very supportive, but sometimes a little too eager to burn the world to the ground.

I do want to try talking with a therapist, not so much about my Sweetie, but many, many things. I don't even know what goal I have in mind, other than maybe not being absolutely drained every day of my life by enormous emotions, baggage, and feeling like I have become a passive observer of my own life.

No progress has been made on the pig at large. Our neighbor chased it out of his yard again today. I talked with the local authorities, but they said that because I had not personally seen this pig, nor had any firsthand knowledge of any other animals still being on the property seized by the bank, that they could not do anything.

So, I texted our neighbor and told him that he needed to make his own report, since he had firsthand information (as I mentioned yesterday, he seemed reluctant to make a report, no idea why).

So, after a super shitty day emotionally, I did necessary chores, girded my metaphorical loins, and went to the barn for our lesson day.

Today we recorded the freestyle, after working on aspects of it for most of the winter.

It's been a real process, though it looks kind of simple. I will explain it better in a separate post with a video.

We got our video, and I was pretty happy with it. We did it in one take, which is pretty remarkable.

So, it did not take up my class time, but the incredible energy that went into getting the video, and the complete limpness of afterwards, meant that there wasn't any point in trying to do other work.

R recognized my state of burnout, so we took some pretty pictures of River at a few places on the property, since he was so clean and pretty today.

Then I came home, to find my Sweetie already in bed, but we still needed to talk.

I know it means another night of not enough sleep for him, but you cannot just go to bed without trying to address issues that need discussion.

So we did, and a bit more progress was made, but there are other things to be addressed as well, very old longstanding things like "how the heck are we going to get anything done on the house if you're working these crazy hours" and from his point of view "I feel like you're angry at me most of the time".

We did watch the video from our lesson today, and he thought we did a good job.

So, there you go. I would love to find a way forward in my life that doesn't mean feeling so tired all the time.