Tuesday, April 7

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

At least some lessening of the horrible anxiety/frustrations I've been experiencing.

My frustrations at all the garbage in our yard did lead my sweetie to begin some kind of action. We dug one of the refrigerators out of the snow, and got it to where we can load it onto the trailer, and got the one from in front of the garage onto the trailer. This is at least some kind of action, and this is what I really need right now, is to feel like I can actually change something for the better.

Yesterday I was able to get more hay from my hay guy, and that made me feel a little better too, because we were down to the last round bale in the barn, and nowhere near having pasture enough to feed the animals. There's still snow everywhere, no grass at all. It was weighing on me to be low on feed. Having six bales means that I have a start on what I need for next winter, which is good, because no one ever knows if hay is going to be scarce in the coming year, and hay keeps just fine if it's in a shed and dry.

Today I didn't feel too trapped by Covid, because we were at least doing things at home that didn't feel out of the ordinary.

The farrier was able to come out today, and that was another thing that was on my "to-do" list. The ponies were still shits about her doing their feet, and I don't know why, after all the time I've put in on handling their feet. I guess they don't like the rasp? I'm just grateful that she's still doing feet.

It's a strange thing though, to be aware that you are supposed to keep apart from people, even though it's not like I am normally going to stand really close to either my hay guy or the farrier, but the whole time they were there, it's an awareness. You pay attention to how close they are, and you are always kind of thinking about it. It really affects your ability to feel like you are having a normal conversation with someone.

My sweetie pulled all the frozen bananas out of the freezer, and made a ton of banana bread so that he has something to take for his lunch when he goes back to work. It's kind of weird for me that I don't eat most baked things anymore; I do love banana bread. Sure, I know I COULD likely eat some, but how do you know how much you can have of stuff like that again before you just put the weight back on? Or whether it's going to wreck your blood sugar levels? My husband made an observation; "you must not really be able to eat any baked goods anymore", which kind of made me feel like did he just realize that now? I've cut all of that out of my diet for nearly a year now, and it's just sinking in for him that this is my reality?

Losing the weight has been wonderful. I am not underweight, but a lot smaller, and I can now wear clothes without needing to shop for plus sizes. I feel better, and I like how I look in the mirror. After a while though, it becomes "new normal", but you have to keep eating the same way to maintain the weight, and I think other people forget that this isn't just something I needed to do for a while, it's how I have to eat forever now. The awareness around food doesn't stop.

I am grateful for my enormous supply of craft/art supplies. They've been there to keep me sane for my general life of isolation, and are especially useful now with having to self-isolate.

That today was sunny, and warmer, even though there was a lot of wind. Nice days go a long ways towards making things bearable.