gottawonder

I am just very burnt out.

I feel like I have almost no control over life right now. There's almost nothing happening on the house, because it's been raining, and so the dirt cannot be removed (and all the stuff that we can't get to because of the dirt), the yard is a slimy mire of muck, and my family is all going to shit.

My husband hasn't made any progress on getting drawings of the addition done. He says the software he thought would work isn't going to work. So, he says he'll call an actual architect. That's been the last two weeks now, and he's not spoken to anyone. That means no money to do work on the house. It's half way through June now, and no progress. I'm supposed to not be angry about this anymore, because "he's doing his best". He's been "doing his best" on this for four months.

He did get someone to give us an estimate for windows, which is not the same as having them ordered or installed.

He actually had to get up early before work (he works nights) and go help our friend tear the floor off of his basement. A week ago this friend said he was ready to haul our dirt to fill in his basement. Well, now it's a week from then, and he's now "maybe a couple of weeks" away from being able to haul away dirt. I am furious most of the time now, because of this mountain of shit I have to walk around, drive around, that blocks my view, that's been there almost a year now. My husband is tired of me being angry at him, so I'm supposed to "just learn not to be angry about it anymore". Because he won't haul the dirt away except for giving it to our friend.

I'm angry at my trainwreck sister for not taking any kind of care of herself, and singing happy songs to herself while planting a garden in a place that she SHOULD be emptying out and trying to sell before winter so that she isn't homeless.

I'm angry that another sister of mine is rotting to death in her house, with ruined knees, constant depression, and god only knows what else is happening to her, and what on Earth can be done about this? I can't talk to this sister really because she's deaf, and to be honest can't really even follow a conversation anyhow. She sort of just trails off on her own, and won't confront her health issues, though maybe nothing can be done anyhow. Everyone thinks it's up to this sister's adult daughter to help her, but she can't do everything, she's working full time and is also helping our Mom a lot. I can't talk to this daughter, because she's not speaking to me (or most of the family).

The two sisters that I talk to (not trainwreck or struggling sister) that are reasonably healthy and financially okay are getting very tired of hearing from me. The one sister just says "everyone has their own row to hoe" meaning "I have no intention of trying to help anyone". The other sister kind of wants to help, but I know she doesn't want to get stuck doing everything. So, when a few members of your family are suffering, and these are the two sisters who COULD help, how do you NOT talk about the ones needing help?

I'm tired of being angry all the time. I'm angry at my husband most of the time. I feel that he's working hard, but not on anything important. Sure, he's doing a little wiring here, and fixing a set of stairs there, but we have big things that must be done before the summer is over, and I see no indication that it's going to happen.

I'm angry at my family, some for not taking care of themselves more, and at others for not stepping in and doing more for the ones that are obviously struggling. I can't really have a nice conversation with anyone in my family, because it quickly turns into me asking about Mom, or my struggling sister, or my trainwreck sister. Maybe there just isn't anything anyone can do. I feel that for the one sister with ruined knees, maybe they could chip in and get someone to clean for her, or get her signed up for a nurse to come help her bath.

How do I let go of all of this? I end up feeling so utterly unable to act on the world in a meaningful way that I just lay there, numb.

I get so sick of being stuck at home alone, doing yard work. Day after day after day I'm just alone pulling grass out of the garden or scraping muck off of something. I mow the lawn, and three days later I have to mow it again. I pull weeds out of the garden and I have to do it again the next day. I take out the recycling. I feed the animals. I do it all again the next day, mostly alone. My days feel the same, one day after the other. I don't feel like I get ahead on anything, just keep doing repeating chores over and over again.

I don't get to do fun things anymore. This week I wasn't even able to ride River because there's just no one around every time I go to the barn. The owner is away, and I guess everyone else just decided not to go? So I can't ride because I don't ride if there's no one there.

Every day I go outside, choke down my anger at the pile of dirt right in front of the house, walk through the wet, shitty mud that surrounds the house, look at the work that needs doing, and the complete lack of progress and feel that hopeless anger of not being able to do a goddamn thing about any of it, and it not even being worth fighting about again.

I talk to one of my sisters, and we end up talking about people being sick or dying, or poor, and I'm feeling hopeless and angry again. I'm either trying to get the sister on the phone to check in on the ones that are suffering, or hearing about the suffering. I can't do anything, and I can't get anyone to do anything, and it's been like this my whole life, worrying about family.

I've worried about my family my whole goddamn life. Always. Worried. About. Family. My whole life. No matter where I've lived or how old I've been.