Tuesday, October 6

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

There seems to be some interest in my trainwreck sister's fish and aquariums since I listed them for her online. It's funny, she says how much she wants to sell stuff, and she literally just posts a hand-written page and puts it up on one or two public boards in town, and figures "good enough!". You'd think that the success we've had before with me posting online for her would remind her just to let me do this for her. We get RESULTS when we post online. She just doesn't realize that I don't mind doing this for her. Maybe she's not always ready for real action.

So, I talked to her for a while today, trying once again to see if she would talk to a therapist to help her with her grief (her partner died this past winter). She tells me things like she'll spend six hours just staring out the window. Or that she doesn't care about her appearance any more, or eating, or showering, or sleeping properly in bed. She doesn't care about reading anymore, or movies, or gardening, or anything. So I tell her it sounds like depression, and she should get help. Except of course, that she won't do it. She's told me some horrible thing or another about her life almost every time I talk to her for years. She was molested as a child, the terrible ways she treats her body, how she thinks she should just be a prostitute now, and on an on, but she won't get help. I try not to react to anything she says, I don't go "oh, you poor thing" I just say "that sounds awful. Why don't you get help dealing with this?" . She won't take any responsibility for any of this. She'll just drink herself to blackout every night instead.

So, I have to try to let all of this go. I talk to her, and listen to all of this poison, and then I have to say "I can't do anything for her, and it's not my fault, and it's not my responsibility, and my life isn't hopeless just because hers is over".

One of the things I tried to talk to her about, is that my other sister E is getting a new horse, and that I'm excited for her. My trainwreck sister was all like "I don't care about horses any more, and I don't know why anyone else bothers with them". I said "this isn't about YOU, it's about E, and how happy she is, and how happy I am for her. It's okay for other people to still like things and be happy".

So, I went to go see River, and I had a wonderful time. I still didn't ride, my ankle needs more time (it's only been a week), but I lunged him in the outdoor arena with some other riders, and his breathing was good. This is the first time I tried working him a bit to test his breathing, and he's doing great. It was a nice evening outside, and it was good to be around other people.

Then I sat in on another rider's lesson, and I brought River into the small covered round pen that serves as an arena too. He was so relaxed he was almost asleep, which was good energy for the young horse that was getting the training. I think he helped keep the other horse more relaxed.

I talked with the person in the lesson afterwards, and it turns out she lives about a mile away from us, on an acreage as well (her parents own it, and she is a young adult).