Feeling burnt out.

I've been living an accelerated version of life now since May.

We've been trying to pack and get the farm house ready for occupancy, and that's been most of this last month.

I had tons of vet stuff in June, thankfully they all resolved well. It was just stressful to keep taking animals to the vet, having lots of treatments to remember and carry out, and the stress of thinking Fatty was dying, and wondering if the others were going to be okay.

I went home in May, which is always stressful, AND hosted my sweetie's parents.

There was the normal spring rush of cleaning out and planting the garden, all the mowing and pruning and yard clean up.

Then there's the ongoing, low-grade background stress of always wondering what the hell is going on with the hay situation both at the riding barn and here at home. Hay has been in short supply for a long time now, and there's been some concern about whether or not there would be good hay this year because of the rain. I think I'm going to be okay, today my normal hay guy says he should have enough for me.

I've also been dealing with how it feels to be packing things up, knowing I might not see some of it until next summer (we'll be doing a lot of renovating in the farm house, so many things will stay in storage). The rooms are getting that pulled apart look, we haven't been cleaning anymore, just packing. It's that awful in between feeling, and there's a sad feeling of tearing our home down soon, even though there's a new house, and the anxiety of tearing one house down but not having the new house on a permanent foundation. Unsettling.

So, I'm trying to pack, but I still have all of my normal work to do. Feeding the animals, keeping up the yard, trying to keep the garden weeded, doing laundry and dishes, changing cat litter, riding River, it's not easy.

I am frustrated at the deep ruts left in our yard along the driveway from moving the house onto our property, because it is ugly, and it makes it tough to mow. I know we will be too busy to fill them in until next year, and it's frustrating to have to live with it.

It's stressful to have to move the flowerbed to a temporary location because we'll be tearing up the yard for the basement and construction. I'm stressing out about how ugly the yard will look for likely a year or two until we can get it all put back together.

I'm stressed about how long it is taking to empty the house. I'm trying to pack and move more stuff, but I end up only packing a few boxes each day, and that's not enough.

I kind of blew up this evening, because I had wanted my husband to have the computer all set up in the new house before he left to visit his family, in a way that I could use it and watch movies. Well, it was WORKING, but set up on the floor in a corner of the room on the floor, not in a place I could sit and use it. I am not that comfortable with hooking up the monitors and so on, and was angry that I had to take everything apart and set it all up again on the desk. Yes, he told me what I needed to know to do it, but it was still frustrating.

It's sort of like, having time to just veg in front of the computer is kind of...just one thing that is the same? I need that, just some things to stay the same and not be a source of stress. So, it pissed me off that lately I've been making due with a very slow old laptop that keeps overheating and shutting down, or my phone, which isn't fun to type things on, or watch videos. Yes, it's a "first world" problem, but it felt like the last straw.

Anyhow, I'll survive, but it's also tough knowing that in spite of how much work I've been doing, the hard part is coming. Very soon. We'll be demolishing the trailer and it's addition, and hauling it all away. Then we'll be racing against time to get that done, and a basement built, and the house moved over before the snow flies.

Thursday, August 1

Today I am grateful for:

Getting some of the assorted fancy dishes and vases packed.

Getting some laundry done, so I can have clean sheets tonight.

Getting some more mowing done, so that I am caught up on the grass that was REALLY long. It should help control the mosquitos a little bit.

The ponies are actually starting to be a little bit affectionate. They seem to appreciate me scratching their heads around their ears, and knocking some of the mosquitos off of them.

My main source of hay feels that he will have enough hay for me this year, so that is a big relief. With all the rain we've been having, it was becoming an issue for hay being too wet to bale, and it might have developed mold in the rows. I trust this supplier to do a good job of baling so that the hay is clean and in good condition. It's always scary getting hay from new sources, because you don't know if they are going to be conscientious.

Getting the computer set up on the desk in the farm house so that if the laptop craps out, I can still use the internet or watch a movie.

A good phone conversation with my Mom.

So much stuff.

If you've been reading my posts, you'll know we've been moving a farm house onto our property, and moving out of our trailer.

Most of the stuff in our house is mine, so it's been falling to me to pack it and put it in the sea can, or put it in the farm house.

I've been moving fairly steadily for a couple of weeks now, a few boxes here, a few more trips into the house there.

I've really noticed (as always) the sheer insane volume of things we own. I now have a small bedroom upstairs in the farm house quite full of clothes and shoes. It really makes it obvious, when you see it all in the open in one place.

A lot of the clothes are very nice. Most of them fit again, and some are now too large, but I don't want to get rid of them until I've maintained the weight loss for a year. Some are clothes I am unlikely to wear, and I need to find a way to sell some of them (I feel a little sad at the idea of giving brand new clothes to the thrift store, even if it is for a good cause).

I can't really give clothes to anyone in my family, because they are all different sizes from me now.

I am blown away by how many pairs of shoes I have, even as I acknowledge that they are nice and current. I recently sent a large bag of shoes to the thrift store, and it barely made a dent.

Same with jackets.

We have an insane amount of books, and this has to be drastically reduced. We are truly book hoarders. I'm starting to think we have to have a moratorium on new books, to read what we have, and learn to pass the books on when we are finished. Though, I like to keep the very good books, as I do re-read them.

I am sitting in this farm house, looking around at it's spaciousness, and I'm sad that it is going to be full and cluttered and dirty (because when a place is cluttered, and you own cats and a dog, the dust and hair get everywhere and you can't clean it).

I spent the first half of my life feeling like I never had enough of anything, and I've spent the second half feeling overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I've accumulated.

I would like to spend the next part of my life in our new home enjoying what I have, feeling that it is enough, but also not too much.

I know that within 20 years or so, our next move will be to something much smaller, and neither of us will want to haul all of our stuff somewhere else.

I think of my friends, two of whom are now older, both with entire houses filled to the gills too, and soon they will have to confront a lifetime of stuff all at once.