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Tuesday, October 19
Oct. 20th, 2021 03:24 amToday I am grateful for:
Phone conversations with Trainwreck sister and sister E. Trainwreck sister was kind of morbid, mainly talked about Mom's issues. I get it, but sometimes it's just repetitive. E and I just talked about nothing in particular, but sometimes it's nice to not dwell on the worst.
I've been falling into what I now think of as "normal for when my husband is away", which is a loop of boredom and feeling isolated. Yes, I go see River, and I paint, but often my days feel like the same day over and over again. Not really bad, but it gets strange.
When you don't feel connected to anyone, you almost drift into a sense of nothing being real. I liken it to those movies where it's one person left on a spaceship drifting around, unable to complete it's mission and no hope of getting anywhere, but there's this person on board struggling for meaning. They develop those strangely important rituals like cleaning the ship or making meals, taking their pills at the right time and continuing to send reports back to Earth because it gives them the sense of order or time passing correctly.
My calls to people are like when the astronaut is sending back messages, trying to make it seem like they're okay for posterity.
I get up, I take care of the animals, I have some kind of tasks that need to be done. I try to walk or something, kill time until I can go to the barn, and come home and watch something, maybe paint, do night chores, go to bed. Repeat as necessary.
Sometimes it's kind of awful, sometimes it's okay. I enjoy bits and pieces of it. Some days something else happens to throw me off, and I do have a pretty bad day because negative things feel magnified. It's hard to get back on track once I start having a bad day because there's nothing to distract you.
I'm not sure how to get over this feeling. It isn't even entirely better when my husband is home, because those days don't carry over into the other ones.
So, today I walked around the pasture a few times leading Wonder just for the heck of it. I tried some of the body language with her that I do with River, and she's MUCH more responsive than he is. One of the issues with River is that he is the kind of horse to tune you out and be dull because that's how he deals with things. It's hard to get him to engage. Her personality is that she is SUPER responsive, which can be good, but she also "over responds" to things like...a noise, or something moving in the distance. Even to what you are asking her to do.
I didn't actually do any other tasks today. Just normal chores.
I went to see River, and that was good, though pretty much alone again. I saw people as they were leaving.
I want to get River to actually respond and engage more, because I can see in our videos how he seems...draggy? Like a teenager who'll do what you ask, but s l o w l y. He can move just fine, so I need to do something to keep his interest and to get him to, for lack of a better explanation, snap to it when I ask for something.
Our scores came back from our recent video competition, and we did everything well enough, but I think this slowness to respond loses us a point here, a point there. It doesn't give the impression of willingness or teamwork.
Then I came home and watched more "Breaking Bad"".
Phone conversations with Trainwreck sister and sister E. Trainwreck sister was kind of morbid, mainly talked about Mom's issues. I get it, but sometimes it's just repetitive. E and I just talked about nothing in particular, but sometimes it's nice to not dwell on the worst.
I've been falling into what I now think of as "normal for when my husband is away", which is a loop of boredom and feeling isolated. Yes, I go see River, and I paint, but often my days feel like the same day over and over again. Not really bad, but it gets strange.
When you don't feel connected to anyone, you almost drift into a sense of nothing being real. I liken it to those movies where it's one person left on a spaceship drifting around, unable to complete it's mission and no hope of getting anywhere, but there's this person on board struggling for meaning. They develop those strangely important rituals like cleaning the ship or making meals, taking their pills at the right time and continuing to send reports back to Earth because it gives them the sense of order or time passing correctly.
My calls to people are like when the astronaut is sending back messages, trying to make it seem like they're okay for posterity.
I get up, I take care of the animals, I have some kind of tasks that need to be done. I try to walk or something, kill time until I can go to the barn, and come home and watch something, maybe paint, do night chores, go to bed. Repeat as necessary.
Sometimes it's kind of awful, sometimes it's okay. I enjoy bits and pieces of it. Some days something else happens to throw me off, and I do have a pretty bad day because negative things feel magnified. It's hard to get back on track once I start having a bad day because there's nothing to distract you.
I'm not sure how to get over this feeling. It isn't even entirely better when my husband is home, because those days don't carry over into the other ones.
So, today I walked around the pasture a few times leading Wonder just for the heck of it. I tried some of the body language with her that I do with River, and she's MUCH more responsive than he is. One of the issues with River is that he is the kind of horse to tune you out and be dull because that's how he deals with things. It's hard to get him to engage. Her personality is that she is SUPER responsive, which can be good, but she also "over responds" to things like...a noise, or something moving in the distance. Even to what you are asking her to do.
I didn't actually do any other tasks today. Just normal chores.
I went to see River, and that was good, though pretty much alone again. I saw people as they were leaving.
I want to get River to actually respond and engage more, because I can see in our videos how he seems...draggy? Like a teenager who'll do what you ask, but s l o w l y. He can move just fine, so I need to do something to keep his interest and to get him to, for lack of a better explanation, snap to it when I ask for something.
Our scores came back from our recent video competition, and we did everything well enough, but I think this slowness to respond loses us a point here, a point there. It doesn't give the impression of willingness or teamwork.
Then I came home and watched more "Breaking Bad"".
