Wednesday, September 29

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

More beautiful weather.

That I keep trying to be "alive".  I called my sister S to see how Mom was doing (S is one of the two people in my family appointed to be responsible for decisions made on her behalf).  My sister almost made it sound like they still thought Mom might be going home after being in the hospital.  She was all ambiguous when I asked her point blank if Mom was going to a care home, saying "It's not really up to us (she and my brother), it has to be considered by a panel whether or not she needs to be there". 

 WHAT?  Like they AREN'T going to recommend a care home for a 91 year old woman with zero short term memory,  and very limited mobility? Maybe what my sister is getting at, is that if she and my brother convince this panel that Mom is being well looked after at home, then she should be allowed to live there?  Thing is, she isn't safe at home any more.  Even IF there was someone there with her at night (likely family), no one is capable of lifting her if she can't get out of bed or her chair, or off the toilet. In a care home they have a portable lift. Why would my family WANT to commit to having someone there every night, and would they really be able to make sure someone was there every night?  What about the sometimes long stretches during the day between visitors?  What if she falls down, or can't get off the toilet for three hours?

This really bothers me, that my sister appears to be even considering the idea of Mom returning home, and I don't know what to do about that.  I thought it was agreed by everyone that she needs a care home.

THEN, my sister proceeds to get really strange, and asks me if I've worked out what I am going to do when I am unable to be at home.  I am 49 this year.  I think I maybe have a few good years left, right?  I mean, sure, there is always the possibility of accidents or what have you, but why would she ask me if I have a care home picked out?  FFS!

She said that I need to look into getting a DNR.  Wow.  I actually WANT to be resuscitated, thank you very much.  I mean, holy shit.  DNR is for people who are already nearly dead, who don't want to be resuscitated because death at that point is welcome. If I'm in an accident and my heart stops, FUCKING RIGHT I want them to get it started again! Would I want to be on a respirator for a while?  YES, because I have a reasonable life span ahead of me. If I'm so messed up that they can't revive me, then I would be DEAD, and if they can revive me, it's worth a shot.

Then she said I needed to appoint someone to act on my behalf in a medical emergency, to which I replied..."LIKE MY HUSBAND?!!!!".  I get that when I'm older, if I am unsure if my husband would be able to do that for me, I would need someone to carry out my wishes, probably a lawyer, but that really isn't a now kind of thing.

She then more or less said "since you don't have kids and you'll likely be dying alone" I should really be thinking about all of this.  

Like I've NEVER had it cross my mind that I will have to plan things for myself.  Well, I can't be the first person in the world to be looking at being old and without family.  I'm sure there's some path that us sad, isolated, not-breeding losers follow. 

Anyhow, that pretty much ruined my afternoon.

Then, I got to participate in something FUN, something I think my sister S could try finding in her own life.

MY fun consisted of going to the riding barn, putting blue temporary chalk dye in my horse's mane, attaching a feather boa to his tail and some flowers to his halter, and dancing around together to music for our freestyle demonstration of the skills we learned together this year.  

I had FUN!  I joked around with people about non-death things, and talked with R about some things I wanted to do this winter, like learning how to long-line (almost like driving without the cart) so that I can use that information to continue training Dandy at home (one of the minis).

I get that my sister is almost 70, and these kind of thoughts are likely very pertinent to her right now.  Maybe with what's been going on with Mom, and her own age, this is on her mind a lot.

It isn't even necessarily wrong for her to talk to me about it, in a general sense, but someone just shy of 50 probably doesn't need to look at finding a care home and getting a DNR signed.