Sunday, March 6
Mar. 7th, 2022 02:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gottawonderToday I am grateful for:
Nice weather today. Sunny.
That Brownie seems comfortable in this jacket.
That I even made it out of the driveway today. The roads are plowed, but not our driveway.
My session with River wasn't great today. All of the horses were freaking out about something in the bush, and I'm willing to bet it is a moose. Horses generally hate them. River was all worked up when I brought him into the barn, and the whole time in the arena he still did his best to do what I asked in the groundwork, but the horses outside kept calling to him and running around, and one horse was persistently banging on something, and then all the neighbor's dogs started barking, and there were snow mobiles somewhere too.
He actually did okay on the groundwork, but I really didn't have his attention, and he was worried the whole time. I imagine it was the equivalent of a person trying to listen to a lecture in a classroom while the other kids were outside screaming "OH MY GOD, I SEE IT RIGHT OVER THERE!" while running around in circles.
I did ride for about 15 minutes, and he had settled down by then, but then another horse started up with the calling for him again. I called it a day.
I did do a bit more ground work after I took his tack off and put his blanket back on, just to establish some kind of connection so that we would end on a better note, and that went okay.
I came home and finished watching "House of Gucci". I had started it last night. In many ways it was a wonderful movie, in that it was beautiful and the acting was great. It was just such a painful story. You end up feeling badly for just about everyone in it.
I am pretty frustrated about the snow on the driveway. I can get out, but it isn't great. Here's the thing; I pretty much have to use the snow blower to clear it, but I HATE using the snow blower. It's heavy, hard to work with, and it kind of digs itself down through the snow and won't go forward unless you lift up to clear the tines and push it forward. It is supposed to be self-propelled, but not when it digs down in one spot. Our driveway is quite long. A country lane. My husband does it when he is home, but...he's not home.
I am considering paying someone to just come clear the damn thing, because I really don't relish spending two hours behind the snow blower.
This brought up a lot of feelings about being alone so much, because I have to do a lot of things myself. Then I feel really badly about it if I'm not strong enough to do them, or angry that I'm not mechanically inclined enough to fix the snow blower when something goes wrong. I feel like I HAVE to do EVERYTHING, even if that isn't entirely true. It is true enough.
I feel like nothing is getting done again on the house since we primed the drywall a month ago. That's because nothing HAS been done. Nothing. We need to be doing the floor in the bedroom, installing the fir boards, and nothing has happened with that besides moving the boards into the basement and putting more screws into the plywood base layer.
I feel like I have no agency over the pace of the house work, and then he comes home and his four days come and go, and nothing. I can't get upset either, because any time I get upset at my husband, nothing comes of it.
The bottom line is always that I can't make anything happen to move anything ahead unless I literally just stand there and do the work with him at every stage, even if I don't know what to do at all and I'm just standing there. He literally seems to need me standing there watching him for anything to happen, and I have to literally be the one to say "we are now working on the floor". He is an early riser because of his job, and is often up several hours before I am, but he doesn't use that time to start anything. He usually sits on the computer, and doesn't even PLAN what he needs to do the job. Then he also gets upset if I try to sit down with him to work out what work will get done on the house that set of days off, because he feels "managed".
He said that the way this project he is on for work is going, he won't get much time off this summer, and he always needs to take a week to go home to visit family, which I support, but then if he doesn't have this summer, and doesn't want to do anything on his regular days at home, when will anything get done?
So here we are again, in that I guess if I felt like doing the work of a contractor, maybe I should be putting in the floor, or I should be putting up the siding this summer. I feel stupid and helpless sitting around waiting for someone else to do the work, but I really don't feel like I can do these things on my own. I also don't WANT to do them. I already mow about two acres of grass all summer, and put in a garden, and other clean up work in the yard.
I suppress a lot of frustration, and then sometimes it all just boils up, and I'm angry and frustrated, and nothing seems to make it better because I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING ALL BY MYSELF FOREVER AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO.
I am also tired of living in a house that isn't finished. Tired of spending all summer working on the house, and being aware of how little we are getting done all the time.
Today I learned, from the film I watched, that Patrizia Reggiano Gucci hired men to shoot/kill her husband Maurizzio Gucci. That the film actually was reasonably accurate in it's portrayal of people and events. That Gucci began as a harness/saddle maker and evolved into clothing and accessories as a family owned business, and that it is now a publicly traded company with no one from the Gucci family involved.
Nice weather today. Sunny.
That Brownie seems comfortable in this jacket.
That I even made it out of the driveway today. The roads are plowed, but not our driveway.
My session with River wasn't great today. All of the horses were freaking out about something in the bush, and I'm willing to bet it is a moose. Horses generally hate them. River was all worked up when I brought him into the barn, and the whole time in the arena he still did his best to do what I asked in the groundwork, but the horses outside kept calling to him and running around, and one horse was persistently banging on something, and then all the neighbor's dogs started barking, and there were snow mobiles somewhere too.
He actually did okay on the groundwork, but I really didn't have his attention, and he was worried the whole time. I imagine it was the equivalent of a person trying to listen to a lecture in a classroom while the other kids were outside screaming "OH MY GOD, I SEE IT RIGHT OVER THERE!" while running around in circles.
I did ride for about 15 minutes, and he had settled down by then, but then another horse started up with the calling for him again. I called it a day.
I did do a bit more ground work after I took his tack off and put his blanket back on, just to establish some kind of connection so that we would end on a better note, and that went okay.
I came home and finished watching "House of Gucci". I had started it last night. In many ways it was a wonderful movie, in that it was beautiful and the acting was great. It was just such a painful story. You end up feeling badly for just about everyone in it.
I am pretty frustrated about the snow on the driveway. I can get out, but it isn't great. Here's the thing; I pretty much have to use the snow blower to clear it, but I HATE using the snow blower. It's heavy, hard to work with, and it kind of digs itself down through the snow and won't go forward unless you lift up to clear the tines and push it forward. It is supposed to be self-propelled, but not when it digs down in one spot. Our driveway is quite long. A country lane. My husband does it when he is home, but...he's not home.
I am considering paying someone to just come clear the damn thing, because I really don't relish spending two hours behind the snow blower.
This brought up a lot of feelings about being alone so much, because I have to do a lot of things myself. Then I feel really badly about it if I'm not strong enough to do them, or angry that I'm not mechanically inclined enough to fix the snow blower when something goes wrong. I feel like I HAVE to do EVERYTHING, even if that isn't entirely true. It is true enough.
I feel like nothing is getting done again on the house since we primed the drywall a month ago. That's because nothing HAS been done. Nothing. We need to be doing the floor in the bedroom, installing the fir boards, and nothing has happened with that besides moving the boards into the basement and putting more screws into the plywood base layer.
I feel like I have no agency over the pace of the house work, and then he comes home and his four days come and go, and nothing. I can't get upset either, because any time I get upset at my husband, nothing comes of it.
The bottom line is always that I can't make anything happen to move anything ahead unless I literally just stand there and do the work with him at every stage, even if I don't know what to do at all and I'm just standing there. He literally seems to need me standing there watching him for anything to happen, and I have to literally be the one to say "we are now working on the floor". He is an early riser because of his job, and is often up several hours before I am, but he doesn't use that time to start anything. He usually sits on the computer, and doesn't even PLAN what he needs to do the job. Then he also gets upset if I try to sit down with him to work out what work will get done on the house that set of days off, because he feels "managed".
He said that the way this project he is on for work is going, he won't get much time off this summer, and he always needs to take a week to go home to visit family, which I support, but then if he doesn't have this summer, and doesn't want to do anything on his regular days at home, when will anything get done?
So here we are again, in that I guess if I felt like doing the work of a contractor, maybe I should be putting in the floor, or I should be putting up the siding this summer. I feel stupid and helpless sitting around waiting for someone else to do the work, but I really don't feel like I can do these things on my own. I also don't WANT to do them. I already mow about two acres of grass all summer, and put in a garden, and other clean up work in the yard.
I suppress a lot of frustration, and then sometimes it all just boils up, and I'm angry and frustrated, and nothing seems to make it better because I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING ALL BY MYSELF FOREVER AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO.
I am also tired of living in a house that isn't finished. Tired of spending all summer working on the house, and being aware of how little we are getting done all the time.
Today I learned, from the film I watched, that Patrizia Reggiano Gucci hired men to shoot/kill her husband Maurizzio Gucci. That the film actually was reasonably accurate in it's portrayal of people and events. That Gucci began as a harness/saddle maker and evolved into clothing and accessories as a family owned business, and that it is now a publicly traded company with no one from the Gucci family involved.
