Tuesday, May 3

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

Very nice weather today.

Today felt like there were a lot of little things to keep track of. Nothing "emergency" or anything, but all these little things that still had to be done.

I mailed my Mom's card (My Sweetie can mail the one for his Mom after he signs it. It's okay if it's a little late.), I needed to run into the nearby gas station, I had to bring in the dog food and cat litter from the car since I didn't do it last night, I got started on the electric fence before riding, did chores as usual, changed the farrier date AGAIN so I could make it to pottery on Monday (they are doing a special sculpture class), checked to see if the drugs showed up at the vet clinic, made out a cheque for R at the barn, etc.

I talked to my Trainwreck sister just before I rode. So, today's trainwreck news is that...she wants Mom's house. I wondered if this was coming. Apparently my brother T and sister S, who are the POA for Mom, have talked to a realtor about assessing it. My Trainwreck sister figures "hey, why not just buy it from my family and save the realtor's fees?".

Normally this would make sense, except my sister has no money. None. So what is she thinking? That she will just get the house free? Or a very good deal? That my brother will just swing something where my sister rents to own? All of which would still bite him/us in the ass because my sister would take advantage of any deal given to her. If she were given the house, she would sell it in a year and take the money. If she rented to own, she would just be sloppy about paying rent, or destroy the house.

Even if she had the cash, she would destroy the house. I don't think I could bear to see the place ruined.

She is a hoarder, plain and simple. Whenever she moves, she does this thing of saying "oh, with an empty house I could make a fresh start, I would just move in with nothing more than a suitcase and leave it empty".

She rented a house a few years ago when her sig. other was still alive, and they were fighting. The owner was a friend of my Mom's. In a few months, she had it hoarded right up and I think she left it like that when she moved back in with her partner. She had another old house in that small town that wasn't really livable, she hoarded it up too, and when she moved back in with her partner they sold it all full of crap.

House after house after house, I have seen her move in with truckload after truckload of shit, while often being forced to abandon the shit left in the last house that she couldn't move, or burn it, or have the house torn down full of her shit (twice now). She is unable to maintain the houses, and the yard gets full of shit, the buildings get filled, everything is full of shit and then the house falls down around it.

I can't stand the thought of her doing this to our Mom's nice little house.

I would almost rather see it demolished first.

Not only that, but the ENTITLEMENT, to think that she would just "get" Mom's house. This money needs to go to MOM, to take care of her.

My Trainwreck sister was all a-flutter at the cleverness of her idea! WHY NOT just move into Mom's house!!!

Now I bet she's telling everyone else that she talked with me, and that I support her. That's how she is.

I'm doing my best to hope that my brother T and sister S are smarter than this. I need to make some phone calls.

I suppressed all of those emotions so that I could try and have a decent time with River.

His breathing wasn't great, so I kept it simple. We did some ground work, and he did okay. No Liberty today.

Then I just rode him around the property, around some of the pastures that didn't have horses in them right now. He did really well, and I enjoyed it.

R was working with some of the horses to get them used to the sounds they might hear at the upcoming horse show, like an announcer talking using speakers. She has a karaoke set, and it is similar to a sound system you might hear at a show. River was okay with it. It was funny, because R was just talking nonsense to get the horses used to it, so telling a few jokes, and getting her dog to howl into the speaker, then letting one of the kids play "emcee" for a while.

I came home and let the ponies and goats out into their pasture for a while, while I finished up with the electric fence. I hope I've got good current in it.

I am creating a "dry lot" for my one mare who can't be on grass much. I can let her into the pasture for short periods of time with a grazing mask on, but most of the time she needs to be in a pen with very little grass.

I learned that Brazil nuts cannot be farmed, because of their complex pollination needs. All of the world's Brazil nuts come from wild trees mostly in the Amazon Basin.

https://www.foodunfolded.com/article/the-impact-of-deforestation-on-brazil-nuts

Comments

[ratunderpaper]

That's a tricky situation with TW; I hope your other siblings understand her craftiness and the pathology of her homes becoming hoarder's dens.

Hopefully, TW does not have power of attorney. She may be unfit to look after herself, let alone her mother, let alone her mother's property.

[gottawonder]

My sister S and brother T are both well aware of her issues, we all are. We've all witnessed her hoarding, helped her try to move several times, many efforts to help make parts of her houses more livable, so on and so forth.

S is a realist, and while she loves TW (we all do), she is okay with having strong boundaries. This house sale is meant to fund our Mother's needs, and after that, there is the estate. There are more people involved in this than just TW, and her lunacy and endless pit of need that will never be filled.

My brother T is a big softie. Likely from growing up with battleaxe women all around him. We are an intimidating group. If TW were only dealing with him, I'm sure she would have been given some kind of "sweet deal". Either the house to rent, or to rent to own for a fraction of it's value, or something like that. He has a very hard time being strong.

His non-confrontational personality was also a liability in dealing with Mom. He had a hard time being firm when she needed Home Care, and again to deal with having her placed in a care home. I'm pretty sure it was once again my sister S who got tough when Mom fell, and kept going to do the leg work etc. to have her placed, finally.

I am very glad that S will be firm on this, and even if TW manages to get a mortgage etc, it will at least be a fair arrangement that will benefit our Mom, and/or the estate.

No, TW is not really fit to look after herself. I have had to witness her long history of being a shitty parent, a really shitty animal owner, shitty to herself, etc. It's horrifying.

I won't be exaggerating to say that growing up with TW for a sister has done shit to me. Trauma. She isn't even evil, just unable to do the right thing and be accountable. She does have good qualities too. She has done a lot to care for Mom, and our sister N who has health problems. She can be really amazing at times.

If this makes sense, you just have to accept that she will always be true to her nature, and never put yourself in a position where she's got your number. Don't do anything to help her unless it is completely free of strings or ties, don't get into anything where she has to come through on something. Don't ever lend her anything, only give freely what you are okay with never seeing again. Don't depend on her. Just know who she is, and always know it.

[ratunderpaper]

It's going to be hard dealing with someone like this, because you have a lifetime of history with them and you wish them well.
But if you can't trust them as far as you can throw them, there's not much of a place for them in your life unless you're willing to cut your losses each and every time.

I hope your family gets a decent price for your mom's house, and that it is enjoyed by people who can keep it in good condition.

[gottawonder]

Living far away from my family has its ups and downs. I miss them terribly, but it does give me some distance from a few of the more difficult members.

I used to not call my Trainwreck sister at all, because the drama was just too much. Then I started calling her after her partner got his terminal diagnosis, because I wanted to be supportive. Here's the thing, out of all of my siblings (8), she and one other are the ones who seem to welcome talking on the phone regularly, and it is Trainwreck sister who has more to do with our Mom, and our sister N who has health issues.

So, when I talk with Trainwreck, I get news about her now adult kids, as well as news about Mom and N.

So there is always a risk of drama, but then sometimes there is the payoff of news of family, and she can actually be supportive of me when I need it.

As I've said, she can't be trusted in the sense of you can't get into lending her money, you give it to her, you don't make any kind of "deal" with her, etc. I probably wouldn't even lend her a jacket if I couldn't afford to lose it.

Most of the time, I'm not risking anything by talking to her, except getting wound up over her actions, but you have to not get drawn into her endless needs, like needing a battery for her truck, then needing a vehicle, needing to get her cats fixed. It's tempting to just step in and pay for things, and sometimes I really struggle with it because poverty is a real thing, except I have to remember she has always needed things her whole life, and if you start offering to help, it will not end.

[ratunderpaper]

Of eight siblings, there is only one Trainwreck - has she been this way since childhood? What does your mother think?

[gottawonder]

There are three of my siblings that I would say are on the Trainwreck spectrum, one is Trainwreck, another is sister P that I just don't talk to that much, and the third is sister N who has all the health problems.

They are characterized by astoundingly bad choices made in partners, bringing multiple children into the world into situations ill-suited to raising families, and somewhat magical thinking.

Sisters P and N are still decent people, they just make terrible choices. N is kind of incoherent and makes a lot of shit up to make the past seem better and more rational than it really was, you pretty much can't trust what she says to be true.

P is just...really dumb? Like buying a house with the money from her husband dying, immediately allowing strange man to move in with her thus him getting half the house when he leaves, and being dumb enough to do that again in a year with a different guy? Then being dumb enough to live with ANOTHER guy who gets her to buy him a truck, and open a joint account with her that he keeps using after they break up and she can't close it until it is paid off, but he keeps spending whatever she puts in there...there HAD to have been legal recourse to close the account without his signature, but she didn't seek it. So, instead of having a home to live in, within five years of her husband's death she was completely broke with a baby, but that doesn't stop her from having THREE MORE KIDS with one horribly inappropriate person after another (one a 17 year old boy when she was around 30, this will make more sense when you keep reading).

Trainwreck though, is in a class by herself. She really is kind of "can't look away" astonishing.

That said, she does have good qualities, and is not evil.

I think of her as being like a rescue dog that will destroy all of your furniture and shit all over the floor if you leave it alone in the house. It doesn't mean to do that. It wasn't planning on doing that. There's nothing personal about it. Still a sweet dog. Still going to destroy everything you love if you give it half a chance.

So, don't leave it alone with anything you care about. Period.

My Mom loves her, and never has a bad word or thought to say about her, ever. My Mom pretty much keeps her opinions to herself about us, which is remarkable. However, it was confusing to me as a child that I saw people making terrible choices, and no one was calling them on it. It meddled with my views of what was okay (like my sister P dating a man who was around 30 when she was still 17. She married him, and we all liked him, and it was only much later that it dawned on me that this was pretty creepy. He died in a motorcycle collision with a gravel truck, and we all miss him.)

My Trainwreck sister was only 12 when our Dad died of Cancer, and I'm pretty sure a lot of her issues started there. She was a HELLION. My Mom did her best. Not like anyone had access to a therapist. She hinted at one time that she had an abortion at a very young age. Like under 14. She got married at 15, divorced by 18, had three boys be different dads (who were ALL WINNERS), alcoholic, a drug addict for a while, sexually promiscuous in her younger years, and just a very strange concept of appropriate behavior that I can't even begin to explain.

There might have been some sexual abuse, I don't know.

She has a lot of trouble holding a job, the hoarding means she can't rent, so she has to live in shithole barnyards that other people would have torn down, and it just goes on and on.

A lot of my family have the usual ups and downs, but nothing like Trainwreck.

Seriously though, it is a lot. I spent my whole childhood watching this circus AND I ALREADY KNEW BETTER.

I've had my own poor judgement events, but these three.....!

I haven't even told you all of it. Just the highlights.

[ratunderpaper]

That's a lot of stuff to witness during childhood. It sounds like these siblings are older and may have experienced a home life different from the one you had... but I'm guessing.

I don't have any idea what makes some people fragile in their formative years and what makes others transcend negative experiences and grow up to be strong, thoughtful adults.

[gottawonder]

You're right. The whole change seems to be when my Dad died. Everyone over a certain age had a lot of challenges making the transition into adulthood, and myself and my two brothers who were young enough to barely remember him, not so much.

It really does feel sometimes like we are two families.

Yet, you ask my sisters, and they loved Dad. Every story I hear about him though, and he SOUNDS like someone who worked hard, didn't respect anyone else unless they were as tough as he was, was an alcoholic until he found religion, and was very controlling of Mom and the kids (once they started looking like women and not kids), and every one of my older sisters either got married pretty young or left home young to get away from him, yet they don't put it that way. They just got married at 16 or 17 for no reason, apparently.

Apparently my Mom was a silent entity in the house, drifting around looking after babies, until he died. Then she took over the farm, started becoming a person, and never dated again as far as I know.

So what does that tell you.

[lantairvlea]

I hope your siblings don't get sucked into TW's idea. I wouls hate to see a place I loved trashed like she undoubtedly would.

[gottawonder]

Yup. It isn't the house I grew up in, but Mom has lived there for about 15 or so years, and it felt like home after a while because she was there, and many familiar things from childhood where there. Every time I visited, I either painted something on the house, or cleaned all the grass and weeds out of the flower bed, pruned the apple tree in the back yard, and did "extra" house cleaning for her. I stayed there for about two weeks out of the year.