Saturday may 21

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

Making it to my home region. It is a brutal drive.

My husband, for finding a route that avoids some scary merges.

Also my husband, for putting on summer tires and doing an oil change right before my trip, and caring for our animals.

I got a little sleep when I arrived at my Mom's house. It felt strange to come here and it looks the same and smells the same, but she's living in the care home.

This is likely the last time I will stay here. My family is selling the house, which is reasonable. I am trying to really experience being here among her things, which for the moment are how she left them.

To really see the room from the chair I always sit in. To hear the clock in the quiet house. To appreciate the yellow glow from the hanging lamp. To use the kitchen and use the cutlery and dishes the way she set it up, and to know where everything is one last time. To see her personal toiletries on her dresser, her slippers beside the chair. All the little fake flowers in vases and everywhere, all the pictures of family stuck on the fridge and on every surface. So many Mother's Day cards, newspaper clippings of grandkid's school events from the now extinct local paper. Her handwriting on scraps of paper with Scrabble scores and grocery lists and reminders of birthdays.

To see the tulips already done blooming that come every year in a weird spot beside the house by the driveway where there is no flowerbed.

My brother T got me to start going through things, and I can't get past how personal it is to open drawers and boxes. You would normally never do that.

I am taking back things I gave her; things I want to keep. Finding things she can still have at the care home.

She's still here, but I feel like we are dismantling her

Like death begins here. You die in stages, one of which is admitting that she is not coming back here. She will never need her kitchen or most of her shoes, or her memo pads and pencils.

Comments

[cf2princessawnw]

I'm so sorry dear Gotta. Clearly this is grieving much for you. Keep doing what you feel in the midst of it, like clicking memory photographs of what you want to hold dear. And actually I've been told more than once that taking actual pictures of what you have to give away helps many people later.

Either way, please get as much sleep as you can, eat well, and give yourself the gentleness you need. Life happens in stages, but when the next stage is a stark contrast of loss, it's just heavy. Remember that the memories there aren't happening right now - they are already yours forever and that is yours to keep. I know your Mother is struggling and is the not fully the same person you remember either, but I hope you can find.... comfort in what you have of her to hold onto. I can't imagine exactly what you are going through, but grief is grief and it's just awful to go through. Please take care. ❤️❤️❤️ And keep writing if that helps to get it out...

[cf2princessawnw]

And I hope this doesn't sound stupid to say, but maybe you're not dismantling her by dismantling her things and home... if you can after you grieve that sadness (if not, then just ignore this please!) I hope you can feel you are re-homing her into your heart. I only say this because my situation is VERY different, but with RC. Despite his optimism of being cancer free in 6 months, I know he is also being brave for me. And I've had enough loss in life to not want to waste this time. So though it's not the same at all, there are times I want to make sure I have him and the memories of all he's poured into me in my heart. Because the thought of losing him (especially after losing my father) is more than I can fathom, and I determined for whatever it is or isn't worth (I don't know either how it will go for me) that I am keeping him in my heart no matter what in the future. ❤️heart hugs dear Gotta.... big warm heart hugs.❤️

Thankyou.

[gottawonder]

I feel like I grieve a lot. I have several members of our family who are getting older and more frail, and many younger ones that I just don't hear from much, with children I don't know. Not unusual on a big family, but I grew up with strong ties.

It seems like even happy events can feel bitter sweet as they are happening.

I am trying to take pictures and to hold everything as experiences that are mine in my heart.

I did visit Mom, and it hardly seemed like her. She seemed content and her room is nice with some familiar items, but it feels like it's fooling no one. We had an okay chat about light things, which is as good as it gets.

Thank you for your kindness.

Re: Thankyou.

[cf2princessawnw]

Hugs, dear heart. <3

Just know that as much as you feel this way and it feels heavy right now, you will not always have the heaviness there. It's all happening right now and hitting you, so be extra caring with yourself. But the good memories you are banking into your heart now can one day be a comfort and a lightness in sadness, not heaviness. <3

[lantairvlea]

This is very bittersweet, and I'm sure it feels very strange to be going through her things and making arrangements and preparations for end-of-life even while she is still with you. Hold to the memories and enjoy the time you have with her, hopefully being in the care home will give her the best quality of life she has left. I know you were worried about her when she was home alone for much of the time.

[gottawonder]

It does. Normally, you would never go into Mom's bedroom and go through her things, much less take a few things for yourself and sort a bunch to get rid of. To put all of her shoes in a box to go to the thrift store, or to throw out her socks.

I absolutely feel better with her in the care home. I feel like now that she is in the care home, she has let go of trying to be strong, and she seems to have aged a lot, but in another way is happier because she doesn't have to pretend anymore, and there is nothing left to resist.

She has almost no short term memory left, and not a lot of long term memory either. She might remember things like being a farmer or who most of us are, but she doesn't tell stories any more about things that happened. She has the absolute present moment.

Very little seems like the person I know.

I do take comfort in the fact that she seems comfortable, and as safe as she can be. She is in a wheel chair, but kind of walks herself around. She goes wherever she wants, and has more room to move around than at home. The common area is bright and has lots of windows, and she has a friend she likes to sit with and try to do cross word puzzles and jig saw puzzles. She enjoys the food. She is calm and cheerful whenever I talk to her, and when I went to see her the staff seemed very nice. Her room has a few things in it from home. She has visitors just about every day. That's about as good as it gets.

[lantairvlea]

The care home sounds like the best option for her and even if it seems like she's aged a bit faster, it could simply be she's relaxed and isn't trying to put up a front anymore. I know you were worried about her falling while alone in the house.

[gottawonder]

The care home is the only option.