(no subject)

[gottawonder]

This is a picture of the massive pile of concrete we had in our yard a few years ago when we tore down the trailer. They are the pilings that were underneath the trailer to support it.

This image is mostly for Ratty, because we were talking about things our husbands don't see as clutter. It took me losing my absolute mind and just hiring someone to haul all of it away for it to be taken care of.

Comments

[ratunderpaper]

Oof, yes, one person can't shift that. I probably would have painted rainbows all over them in a fit of pique, but then they'd be too arty to get rid of.

Did spouse think they'd come in handy again?

[gottawonder]

Several people couldn't have shifted that. Each of those blocks probably weighed at least two-three hundred pounds.

No, my husband didn't have a future use for them. He just felt that we would save money by waiting for our friend to help move it...at his leisure. Those blocks had already been there for a year, and our friend was pretty busy, and it's not like he had any big motive for coming over and moving them, even though he is on our "work friend" list.

He came right out and said that if they sat there another year or two, it wasn't an issue for him.

At the time, our whole yard was full of piles of dirt from digging the basement, piles of scrap metal from tearing down the trailer, some old appliances, piles of lumber. It was ALL removed by the might of my lungs, screaming at their capacity. My husband wanted to move forward on the house build rather than clean up the yard, but then again, he wasn't really making any progress on the house at that time either.

[ratunderpaper]

That's doubly frustrating.

Today I planned to move four pieces of stone or broken concrete. Instead, I carried a large bucket of chunks and hurled each of them into the construction miasma of the property behind us. They made a giant rocky mess that hasn't been touched in a couple of years (and they damaged our old wooden fence in the process). It was a pleasant experience casting that junk into the abyss. I'm ready to get another bucket, some larger chunks, and the broken weights from ancient barbells that an art director once gave me. I'll take the weights to the public bin.

Progress!

[ratunderpaper]

I don't think there would be any difficulty with certain people here if those 300 pound concrete pillars sat in this yard.

[ratunderpaper]

Does this show a photo? It's what I found under the porch. The pieces are twice the size of one's head.

[gottawonder]

I would laugh, then cry a little seeing a stash like that.

[ratunderpaper]

I paused and then I issued a barrage of very bad language. The big black bucket on top was full of smaller chunks. It's gone now.

The weights were discovered by the door before I had a chance to whisk them away.

"These weights were in the concrete trash under the porch."
"I see! When is this concrete trash slated for removal?"
"It could be this summer."

This summer is a very nice target date, but I have the feeling that I will have winnowed a fair bit by then.

[gottawonder]

Yes, I get a lot of vague target dates too. My Sweetie refuses to commit to a timeline.

[ratunderpaper]

Today, I picked up the weights from the back porch and put them in a grocery bag. They're coming out with me tonight.

I've been working consistently on the restoration of the sunroom, and something snapped when I saw the heap of garbage outside - I'm not sure why, but it seems insulting in light of the hard work in here.

[gottawonder]

It IS insulting. I am really getting a strong impression that you are the one who is trying to make things nice and orderly, and constantly chucking out piles of hooey, and your partner is ambivalent/hoarding instead of getting on board with the program.

That is how I feel about the piles of crap outside too. I am always the one to address them, to flag them as issues, and often the one to finally haul it away myself once my husband agrees that he doesn't need it anymore, but has to go back to work so he can't help get rid of it.

When he is home for an extended period of time, he does sometimes get rid of piles of shit, but as often he creates new ones.

[ratunderpaper]

I'd say there have been different ideals and standards as well as, until recently, a consistent and matched complacency in the pace of fixing up the fixer-upper.

However, a snail's pace of repair and aesthetics is no longer what I want. The garage hooey has been accumulated for years and I didn't notice it. I have always respected the personal and private hooey of others - but, I dare say, one day one wakes up and sees a bear garden that the other person doesn't. I'm insistent on doing something about it. I notice the passage of time and realise it's been years, not weeks or months, since hometime projects have been promised.

[gottawonder]

Yes, time can really get away on you. In the meantime, you realize that you've lived all this time with things that bother you, and that you spend mental energy tuning out. With your sun room, you've missed years of pleasure of having a lovely space to sit in and read in, or have plants.

What I want is to enjoy our place, not to always look around at everything that needs to be done on the house. Years down the road, we will need to move, and I want to have LIVED in our house in that time, not just WORKED on it.

[ratunderpaper]

There's also the fact that Lois and I painted the sunroom together many years ago. I chose light blue paint and left the trim white. It didn't occure to me at the time that we were painting over previous work that was sloppy. It was a project we did together, and it was hard to change the colour because of that.

I don't like the thought of moving. I see neighbours who are preparing to leave because they no longer have children to raise, and it is rather sad.

[gottawonder]

Yes, it would be hard to make changes that would obliterate the work you did together.

That is what was so hard about clearing out Mom's house recently. Everything had memories, the house itself, and many of the objects that she had for decades. Some of them I remember as a child. I was able to get several small things that meant something to me.

[ratunderpaper]

I waited many years before redoing the sunroom. I'm the only one who goes in here; it has become mine by default. I think Lois would find it lovely.

Lois's apartment was difficult to clean out for the reasons you mentioned, even though her furniture wasn't really to my taste. We still have her loveseat (in the basement), as well as drapes and the good china from childhood. Other than that, I kept only a few things that don't really have monetary value but bring good memories.

[cf2princessawnw]

I've read this thread, and your fight (which I'm sorry you had to use) made me think about how much I acquiesce to. Moved by the might of your lungs screaming at their capacity....

Some men and just some people are so very obtuse! The only way through the problem is literally ignoring them. Anyway, bravo on getting your yard the way it should be!! It is your home too, and you have every right and say in how it should look.

[gottawonder]

Well, mainly because of me being adamant, our yard is more or less back to how it was before the trailer tear down, with the exception of a ring right around the house that needs mulching, and that is in progress.

I wonder what this place would look like if it weren't for me, like, if my husband were just doing this on his own. Likely the house would be empty but there would be crap all over the yard.

Anyhow. I don't fight with him all the time. You guys just get the highlights.

I will say, resorting to anger is hard on the person who is yelling. It causes a great deal of stress, but I guess so does dealing with things that cause anger if you don't do anything.

[ratunderpaper]

We don't get the impression you're pugnacious, only that you hit your limit for putting up with unacceptable situations (piles of hooey that don't move for a long time in spite of your clear wish that they do).

Everyone's different in the way they process anger. If I can, I will process it rather swiftly in ways that are likelier to get me what I want, or to get back at those who have behaved like complete doinks. Sometimes I'll draw a "real life" comic strip with a lot of doink-burning in it.

[gottawonder]

Yeah, my husband makes out that I just blow up at him out of nowhere, but that's because he ignores any of my first fifty pleas for action, doesn't respond to requests for me to hire work out, and then wonders why I am so moody.

He refuses to have a clear "to do list", will not commit to timelines, and it makes it very hard to live with anything on my end, because I don't know how long I will have to live with a situation.

Things just take a lot longer than he realizes, and for him, he only has to deal with it for a very short time then he is gone again, while I live with whatever disarray there is. He always thinks a job will take a weekend, but he forgets that if it doesn't, then it is two more weeks before he comes home to finish it. So, a few days in his mind, a few weeks on my end.

[ratunderpaper]

Sometimes I think people get gleeful and excited when they think of all the things they can accomplish... without actually putting the work in to accomplish them or thinking of the time it takes.

These are the people who tell me (of all people!) that they can easily throw together an iced and decorated birthday cake in a half hour. (How I snorted when I heard that.)

[gottawonder]

It's strange. My husband has done a lot of work on various houses over the years, he should have a good idea of how long something will take. Yet, he often makes it sound like something can EASILY be done in a weekend, that ends up taking several weekends (thus maybe six weeks in real time for me).

Over two months ago, he told me to move everything out of the bedroom and set the bed up in the living room because he was ready to cut the doorway into the addition to what would be our new bedroom.

I told him that thr doorway needed to happen after every other possible bit of work was done in that room, all the window frames, all the wiring, have the ceiling fan installed, all the painting, the other door from the bedroom installed and painted and the wall around the door framed properly.

Well, all I can say is that if he had cut that hole two months ago, I would have been sleeping in the living room in great disarray that whole time, because he still hasn't done those things in the bedroom-to-be.

To him, no big deal. To me, months and months of inconvenience and mess.

[ratunderpaper]

I don't know. Perhaps you can set a time for painting (walls and door) yourself, and ask that he prepare wiring and patching a week before this. No guarantees, but if you're ready, he might respect YOUR work timeline.

Really though, I understand the frustration of someone's arbitrary timeline that involves a promise of "March 1" and by "May 31", nothing has begun.

[gottawonder]

I will likely do the painting. The window and door frames need to happen first.

[cf2princessawnw]

I can tell it's not usual for that to happen there between you both.
You try to be patient and longsuffering too when things irk you.
But bravo for when it had to happen - that you did what you needed.

[gottawonder]

Disagreements aren't that uncommon between us. Working on big projects is hard on most couples, and we are no exception.

[cf2princessawnw]

That makes sense for sure.