Tuesday, June 28
Jun. 28th, 2022 11:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gottawonderToday I am grateful for:
The riding barn. It is about the only positive place I have, most days.
Every day I sit in bed for a while, wondering how things will be today. I get up mainly because my animals need me, and there are getting to be a lot of days where leaving the house is getting less and less rewarding.
I do my best, but the returns aren't enough for me putting out so much effort. I just do it because I have to.
I talked to my husband about the water that is pumped out from the weeping tile around our basement. How it works, is that these are perforated pipes that collect water from around the basement, and a sump pump pumps it out of a pipe on one side of the house.
Thing is, that water isn't being directed away from the house right now, it just pumps out onto a patch of dirt that I can't mulch or do anything with because it is always a mud pit from this water being pumped onto it all the time. Then the water runs across our brick path, and washes mud over it too, and everything on that side of the house is mud all the time. This is now the third summer it has been this way.
I DID come at my husband more angrily than I needed to, but I think it was fair. When he said "you just decided this was a big deal now?" I said "well, how many times have I asked nicely for something to be done about it?" and he ACTUALLY RECOGNIZED that I have indeed, many, many times now asked politely for something to actually happen, and time and time again it just gets mulled over and shelved again.
I said that we need to put in some kind of drainage for this water, because it has been mud on that side of the house all summer AGAIN so far. This is right at the back door, where I walk out to do chores, and to get to the car. So my feet get wet every time unless I wear rubber boots, which I shouldn't have to wear all summer. Sometimes I would like to maybe wear nice clean shoes to town, and not get them covered in mud.
The water is also not going away from the house, in fact I think the same water is pooling around the house, and does nothing more than goes right back into the weeping tile and just gets pumped out again. The water shoots out about ten times or more a day, and each time is likely 40 gallons of water (estimation).
So, what NEEDS to happen, is a pipe needs to carry the water away to a point farther away from the house, but not in an area that we need to mow or walk on because it will be very wet. That means digging a trench of some kind using what is called a ditch witch, and doing a PROPER JOB of it.
My husband is already thinking of a "short term" solution of hooking up a hose to the pipe where the water comes out, and laying the hose out away from the house. This seems valid on the surface, until you realize that this means always having a hose lying on top of the ground beside our house, and ME being the one to have to try to walk around it, mow over it, etc.
First, of course, my husband had to get upset and defensive, because I actually brought something up that I wanted fixed. Then he had to get upset and defensive because I asked if we could hire someone to do the work. Then he had to get upset and defensive because when I first asked him what we were going to do about the water, it became clear that HE DIDN'T ACTUALLY HAVE A PLAN.
He at least calmed down, and agreed to try and address this issue this upcoming weekend. I don't deserve him getting so damn upset over a VERY LEGITIMATE issue.
THEN, I went over to our neighbor's house, to ask if they were planning to have fireworks on Canada Day, because if they are, I need to make sure our animals are okay.
So, let me back up. About a week ago, I had gone to their house at about 3 am, to ask them to please turn their music down/off. They were playing it so loud I could hear every word of the lyrics in my yard. We live about a quarter of a mile away, but the sound really carries, and their music was stupid loud. The husband was so drunk he was barely coherent, and was whooping it up with a visiting relative. I was pretty civil about it, but I had had enough. There had been music blaring night after night from their place, and that night was kind of a last straw for me. That said, I was civil about it, and they turned it down. I thought it was over.
Fast forward to today; the husband sees me pull up in my car, and makes a big production of peeling out of his yard in his truck past me. I talk to the wife, and she says that even though she agrees with me that he was being too loud last week, and that she has asked him to turn it down so SHE can sleep, she says I am now "on her husband's shit list" and that I am not welcome at their place any more.
I am by now getting the impression that he is very likely abusive to her, and for sure an alcoholic, so I imagine there are a lot of people on his "shit list".
So he's going to be angry because I nicely asked him to turn down his music at 3 am. Sigh.
I told her that I am not angry or holding a grudge, and that I still consider her my neighbor, and if she needs anything let me know.
These people have only been there for a year, and interestingly enough, the couple that lived there before them were very much the same. An okay wife, and an asshole husband that right away hated me because I set reasonable boundaries.
I tell you what, the anger and hostility that I get from everyone some days is so frustrating, given the huge effort I put out there to be as civil as possible given the circumstances. All of the things that I want are completely reasonable.
I went to the riding barn to see River, after first venting to my sister E, who is facing similar issues as far as her husband. So, E does seem to recognize after all that her husband's health is making it impossible for him to keep up with the work at their place, but she is saying that the real issue is that he is angry that SHE is still fairly healthy and is trying to work, and he is upset that she is hiring people to help with the yard work. He is apparently very hard to talk to, and he gets angry about everything she brings up as needing attention. Yes, I can relate to this.
I am so tired of my interactions with my husband out of necessity always being about trying to get work done. I can't help it. I live here, and have to deal with anything that isn't finished or working properly, and I can't hire someone, and I can't do this kind of work myself. I WANT to talk about fun things, and DO fun things, but that isn't what my life is offering right now.
River was very good today. He seemed to understand that I was having a shitty day, and also that I was doing my very best not to bring that negative energy to him. I did ground work with him, and I rode him in the bitless, and he was very soft and was halting nicely off of it and backing softly, and even doing a decent job of turning on the hind quarters.
I came home, and let everyone out into their pastures, and I was able to mow grass for about an hour.
Today I learned about how Bhutan (a small-ish nation sandwiched between China and India) wanted to do something to promote their nation back in the 1960's. They ended up issuing postage stamps, which they had not done previously. The goal was to reach the attention of global philatelists (stamp collectors), and hopefully generate income for their country.
Their stamps are now considered very collectible, with MOST of their stamps issued going directly to collectors. They work on making ground-breaking novel stamps, like three dimensional, the first plastic stamps produced, the first scented stamps, stamps about history in Bhutan, and even a stamp that is a miniature record that can be played on a record player that has folk songs of Bhutan and history.
Their stamps seem to be even defying the general trend away from stamp use and collecting as other technology makes mailed letters less popular, and continues to generate a sizable income for the country.
https://worksthatwork.com/8/history-of-bhutan-postage-stamps
The riding barn. It is about the only positive place I have, most days.
Every day I sit in bed for a while, wondering how things will be today. I get up mainly because my animals need me, and there are getting to be a lot of days where leaving the house is getting less and less rewarding.
I do my best, but the returns aren't enough for me putting out so much effort. I just do it because I have to.
I talked to my husband about the water that is pumped out from the weeping tile around our basement. How it works, is that these are perforated pipes that collect water from around the basement, and a sump pump pumps it out of a pipe on one side of the house.
Thing is, that water isn't being directed away from the house right now, it just pumps out onto a patch of dirt that I can't mulch or do anything with because it is always a mud pit from this water being pumped onto it all the time. Then the water runs across our brick path, and washes mud over it too, and everything on that side of the house is mud all the time. This is now the third summer it has been this way.
I DID come at my husband more angrily than I needed to, but I think it was fair. When he said "you just decided this was a big deal now?" I said "well, how many times have I asked nicely for something to be done about it?" and he ACTUALLY RECOGNIZED that I have indeed, many, many times now asked politely for something to actually happen, and time and time again it just gets mulled over and shelved again.
I said that we need to put in some kind of drainage for this water, because it has been mud on that side of the house all summer AGAIN so far. This is right at the back door, where I walk out to do chores, and to get to the car. So my feet get wet every time unless I wear rubber boots, which I shouldn't have to wear all summer. Sometimes I would like to maybe wear nice clean shoes to town, and not get them covered in mud.
The water is also not going away from the house, in fact I think the same water is pooling around the house, and does nothing more than goes right back into the weeping tile and just gets pumped out again. The water shoots out about ten times or more a day, and each time is likely 40 gallons of water (estimation).
So, what NEEDS to happen, is a pipe needs to carry the water away to a point farther away from the house, but not in an area that we need to mow or walk on because it will be very wet. That means digging a trench of some kind using what is called a ditch witch, and doing a PROPER JOB of it.
My husband is already thinking of a "short term" solution of hooking up a hose to the pipe where the water comes out, and laying the hose out away from the house. This seems valid on the surface, until you realize that this means always having a hose lying on top of the ground beside our house, and ME being the one to have to try to walk around it, mow over it, etc.
First, of course, my husband had to get upset and defensive, because I actually brought something up that I wanted fixed. Then he had to get upset and defensive because I asked if we could hire someone to do the work. Then he had to get upset and defensive because when I first asked him what we were going to do about the water, it became clear that HE DIDN'T ACTUALLY HAVE A PLAN.
He at least calmed down, and agreed to try and address this issue this upcoming weekend. I don't deserve him getting so damn upset over a VERY LEGITIMATE issue.
THEN, I went over to our neighbor's house, to ask if they were planning to have fireworks on Canada Day, because if they are, I need to make sure our animals are okay.
So, let me back up. About a week ago, I had gone to their house at about 3 am, to ask them to please turn their music down/off. They were playing it so loud I could hear every word of the lyrics in my yard. We live about a quarter of a mile away, but the sound really carries, and their music was stupid loud. The husband was so drunk he was barely coherent, and was whooping it up with a visiting relative. I was pretty civil about it, but I had had enough. There had been music blaring night after night from their place, and that night was kind of a last straw for me. That said, I was civil about it, and they turned it down. I thought it was over.
Fast forward to today; the husband sees me pull up in my car, and makes a big production of peeling out of his yard in his truck past me. I talk to the wife, and she says that even though she agrees with me that he was being too loud last week, and that she has asked him to turn it down so SHE can sleep, she says I am now "on her husband's shit list" and that I am not welcome at their place any more.
I am by now getting the impression that he is very likely abusive to her, and for sure an alcoholic, so I imagine there are a lot of people on his "shit list".
So he's going to be angry because I nicely asked him to turn down his music at 3 am. Sigh.
I told her that I am not angry or holding a grudge, and that I still consider her my neighbor, and if she needs anything let me know.
These people have only been there for a year, and interestingly enough, the couple that lived there before them were very much the same. An okay wife, and an asshole husband that right away hated me because I set reasonable boundaries.
I tell you what, the anger and hostility that I get from everyone some days is so frustrating, given the huge effort I put out there to be as civil as possible given the circumstances. All of the things that I want are completely reasonable.
I went to the riding barn to see River, after first venting to my sister E, who is facing similar issues as far as her husband. So, E does seem to recognize after all that her husband's health is making it impossible for him to keep up with the work at their place, but she is saying that the real issue is that he is angry that SHE is still fairly healthy and is trying to work, and he is upset that she is hiring people to help with the yard work. He is apparently very hard to talk to, and he gets angry about everything she brings up as needing attention. Yes, I can relate to this.
I am so tired of my interactions with my husband out of necessity always being about trying to get work done. I can't help it. I live here, and have to deal with anything that isn't finished or working properly, and I can't hire someone, and I can't do this kind of work myself. I WANT to talk about fun things, and DO fun things, but that isn't what my life is offering right now.
River was very good today. He seemed to understand that I was having a shitty day, and also that I was doing my very best not to bring that negative energy to him. I did ground work with him, and I rode him in the bitless, and he was very soft and was halting nicely off of it and backing softly, and even doing a decent job of turning on the hind quarters.
I came home, and let everyone out into their pastures, and I was able to mow grass for about an hour.
Today I learned about how Bhutan (a small-ish nation sandwiched between China and India) wanted to do something to promote their nation back in the 1960's. They ended up issuing postage stamps, which they had not done previously. The goal was to reach the attention of global philatelists (stamp collectors), and hopefully generate income for their country.
Their stamps are now considered very collectible, with MOST of their stamps issued going directly to collectors. They work on making ground-breaking novel stamps, like three dimensional, the first plastic stamps produced, the first scented stamps, stamps about history in Bhutan, and even a stamp that is a miniature record that can be played on a record player that has folk songs of Bhutan and history.
Their stamps seem to be even defying the general trend away from stamp use and collecting as other technology makes mailed letters less popular, and continues to generate a sizable income for the country.
https://worksthatwork.com/8/history-of-bhutan-postage-stamps
no subject
Date: 2022-06-29 06:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-06-29 08:09 pm (UTC)It certainly IS a real issue, whether it seems as important as the construction. It is easy to move on to do things you have a solution for, than to try and deal with something that you don't have a clear solution for, especially when you CAN kind of just live with it the way it is.
Problem is, those kind of things are building up. There are all kinds of annoying things that my husband is okay living with, because they don't bother him for the four days he is home out of every two weeks.
For me, there are at least a dozen irritating things besides the big work that needs doing, that all nag at me on a daily basis.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-30 03:12 am (UTC)I'm sorry your day was that shitty, and that different areas are that way more than they need to be in life right now. You handle the neighbour situation so very well. Bravo on seeing right away that it's a him problem and not letting it make you feel bad. And then even handling the situation with so much grace to state your boundary, say you still consider her a neighbour, and offer an open door of sorts without making it obvious you knew what was going on.
"I tell you what, the anger and hostility that I get from everyone some days is so frustrating, given the huge effort I put out there to be as civil as possible given the circumstances. All of the things that I want are completely reasonable." - You are not wrong to feel that way.
As to your guy - does he get on any level that these 'little' things build up to a lot and are getting to you? And that you need his help to either fix it or let you so you can be happier and both enjoy this season of life better?
Either way, I'm glad you have River, and I hope the things start decreasing. It's not good to live that way if you can change it at all! Because especially in today's world, there's always something big happening to you or to people around you which then affects you. I know living with a 'margin' in life seems impossible, but it's well... just because other people may look to have it worse than you do, and maybe actually do, does not at all mean you 'should' put up with things that wear you down over time. <3
no subject
Date: 2022-06-30 04:50 am (UTC)You are right on the money with what I said to my neighbor's wife. I think I am correct about her situation, and I want her to know that I don't hold her responsible for her husband's actions, and I DO want her to know that I would still help her. Mostly I would just drive her to a Women's Shelter if she needed it. It wouldn't help at all for her to shelter here.
I think my husband DOES on some level understand how annoying things are for me, but as I have said before, he lives away from home for ten days, then comes home for four, and his whole perspective on how long things are taking is skewed. He doesn't live with unfinished things, he lives in a tidy finished apartment. He doesn't walk through a mudhole every time he needs to go outside, he walks out to a tidy parking area.
I feel like there just isn't enough time to address all of the things that need attention here, but he also really resists getting help. So, I have to live with one tiny bit being done every two weeks.
He has agreed to do something to help with the water from the weeping tile washing over the walk way, so that is one thing, at least. One down, a few hundred to go.
I'm glad I have River too. There are many days that going to see him has turned my day around and made it feel worthwhile again. If nothing else, going to the riding barn gives me a mental break from looking at everything that needs doing here.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-30 07:53 am (UTC)Is your husband someone who likes a strong woman who is independent minded and capable, or someone who appreciates being able to care and rescue his woman? Is there a way to appeal to whichever he is?? Please remember I'm a single woman with no marriage relationship experience first-hand whatsoever! But from what I've been told, most all guys have the hero complex built into them on some level, so want to fix what's wrong and save the day. The problem, let's face it, is that many of us women are so much smarter than they are. haha! lol On the other hand, the kind of guy who likes a strong woman, often likes a bit of a struggle before he backs down and let's her do what she decides. Not sure ANY Of that helps. But you're right that at least you both found some solution on this one thing, and can move forward together on it. Maybe if he sees how much it means to you and changes things for the better in your happiness, it will clue him in.
I'm sure he wants home to feel like a place to relax when he comes back to it, but he doesn't realize that if he'd just let you MAKE it that way, you Both could. sigh. (please don't mind my frustration on your behalf - part of it was a bad day here, and I'm not especially pleased with people in general. lol) :) I wish you both the home you need and both do desire. <3
no subject
Date: 2022-06-30 09:30 am (UTC)Yes, to some degree he does have that hero complex. He loves nothing more than to help someone, male or female, with something. If it is something he can easily do, that is the best of all. Then it's like magic.
Yet, with me, he specifically likes that I am a strong person, both physically and mentally. He likes that I will work with him on projects, and that I actually have an opinion, and that I am a reasonably capable person. I think he likes that for the most part, he can leave me here and know I can take care of most things just fine.
We work together on the decisions about the house. We talk about what kind of floor we are putting it, we pick it out together. I usually help install it. I clean everything up when he goes back to work. We talk about the prices, I helped draw up the floor plan, I helped tie the rebar in the basement that we poured concrete over. I helped bring in the drywall, I helped put it up. We painted it with primer together. I cleaned raw sewage out of the basement. Twice.
I participate.
In fact, I have noticed in recent years that where there is something truly ferocious that needs to happen, like when we finally had to confront the bank about why we hadn't gotten our mortgage sorted out, it was ME who had to get in there and make it happen. In fact, even many of the steps leading up to that point it was ME who had to start making the harder phone calls. Not that I was mean, but I was to the point and goal-oriented in my calls, instead of vague and amenable like him.
Yet, he wasn't particularly appreciative of my help. He was put out, because he figured he was doing just fine (he was not).
I often feel that in some strange way, he would REALLY like it if I started doing all of the work on the house that he is supposed to do. He often expresses that he thinks I could be doing more of the carpentry work etc. It is frustrating for me that he feels this way, because I did not ever want to do this kind of work. I only started doing it to help him so that things could get done faster. Now it seems like he is wishing I would just be doing more work while he is away. BUT, he does not want me to hire anyone to do the work.
If I ever got good at doing the work on the house, I don't know if he would be happy about it, or upset that he could no longer out-hero me. Maybe both.
I feel like there is no glamour for him to be heroic for me most of the time the way it is when someone else asks for help. I DO thank him for helping me. I DO show appreciation for work that is done. I make a point out of thanking him for ways that he makes life easier.
That said, try to conjure how much a person feels like a hero when they help a friend fix a broken window, maybe someone from work, compared to doing it at home. Right? Wayyy more fun to have someone else indebted to you and so happy to have the job done, and so much more lower expectations than at home.
All of the work at home now is just...chores. You know how you feel when you have to do things like order food or make arrangements about your aides, they are just things that have to get done. Well, that's how all the work on our house is now. Sure, you feel good seeing something done, but then there's the next section.
Does your Mom feel like a hero when she helps you get new shoes, or is she annoyed that she has to do it?
I don't feel heroic mowing our lawn for the ten thousandth time. I just feel a mild relief that it's done for another few days.
The other thing to remember is that feeling when things don't feel like they are ever going to get done, so you start just procrastinating. Like you feel about the clutter in your room. You start to feel like the payoff isn't worth the effort.
Our house project has dragged on for so long, that there is no sense of a time line to it. We just always have to work on the house. Always. No one knows how long it will take, and he isn't even trying to make a schedule for the work. It will just get done when it gets done, but if he procrastinates then who cares? What is a unit of infinity?
We have been together for over 20 years, and you know what? We have always been working on whatever house we have been living with. Always.
I have a recurring fantasy of winning the lottery and being able to either pay a giant crew of experts to finish our house in a month, or for me to move into a completely finished home, and he can buy fixer uppers to go work on that I don't have to live in while he's doing it. I think he would be very happy doing that, and I would have a space that isn't always in progress.
Now I am going to balance this with positive things, because I never seem to mention them here.
He talks me through all kinds of issues, even though he isn't able to be home with me. Almost every day I vent at him about our neighbors, my family, sadness about my Mom, or issues with the house that I can deal with if he tells me what to do or who to call.
He likes my art and creative work, and is very supportive of it.
He is generous about our money, and doesn't need to know what I'm spending it on, as long as I am responsible about it.
He comes with me often to see River, and helps with just about everything. He is capable of going and catching him, leading him, brushing him, and mostly gets the tack right. Then he sits in the arena with me and reads or talks while I ride. He is social and helpful with the other riders and with R.
He helps me with the animals at home.
We go to the art gallery together, and as much as we have time for, to interesting things like the rock and gem shows, or an art walk. He will sometimes see something advertised that he thinks I will like and suggest we go. This really does only happen maybe once a month at most these days.
He looks after all the animals so I can go see my family for a week at a time.
He is more or less vegetarian around me since I made that decision and out of courtesy doesn't cook meat in our house. He overall eats what I cook, which is pretty odd these days since I have cut out most carbs.
We watch movies together when he is home, and will often watch a wide variety of movies, not just action stuff like most men.
We both read a lot, so we can read the same books and then talk about them.
He will send me links to interesting articles.
I send him cat pictures all day long.
So, there you go. Balance. The house is frustrating as hell, especially because I hate having it hang over our heads all the time, and I would rather be doing all the good things with him that we both enjoy.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-01 04:49 am (UTC)I'm glad for the bond and closeness you both share.
and I hope you can get the frustrations to you heard and solved for your stress somehow. Wish I had a solution, but just know you're not crazy. You are actually incredibly patient on things that really make your daily harder than it needs to be. He does seem to truly care, and have some guy thing going that maybe another guy or older couple could crack.
Sending hugs. <3
If I had freedom in my life, and where I did, I used to try to celebrate the little things so it all doesn't seem a cloud of never-ending to-dos. Only my sister is like that. My Mom 100% is not. Maybe I dream, but I hope to have people in my future life who will do that too. I've seen people that way. Celebrate the accomplishments in a week, or make a simple happy thing of a silly but meaningful goal accomplished. This reminded me that if I want to find things in my future, I need to try even in secret to get back to living those things in me now. I was doing so well before moving back here. anyway. thanks for that reminder for me. Rabbit trail I know. but if I didn't celebrate the little things, I'd have nothing TO celebrate because the little thigns are the huge accomplishments in my life's day...
hugs and sorry if this is not coherent. starting to fade as the days get harder!
no subject
Date: 2022-07-01 09:32 am (UTC)