Monday, July 11
Jul. 12th, 2022 12:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gottawonderToday I am grateful for:
A good phone conversation with my Trainwreck sister. Sometimes though, I think it is hard to convey that I get stressed about the house without everyone thinking I am leaving my husband. Does no one express frustration and anger without thinking it has to mean a divorce?
When I talk to Trainwreck, she runs away with whatever I talk about, and projects all of her horrible life experiences onto it. To her, I am not just having a rough patch, I am being treated like garbage and everything in our house is dangerous. I can't deescalate her impression of what is happening because she stops listening to ME, and starts playing back her trauma instead. Sigh.
I also tried to tell her that the last two times he was home, progress has been made and I feel better, but that isn't what she hears.
Yes, I get really upset and angry. It is pretty awful and serious, yes. As long as I see something happening, I can feel better, which is the case for right now.
Anyhow, Trainwreck helps our sister N out a lot. N is the one who recently got surgery on her knee, and has numerous health issues, and in general has poor mobility, lots of depression, and general poor health. She is also pretty much deaf, which makes things terrible for her, because she gets isolated from the world, and it is hard for her to get things done because she can't communicate her needs well.
Trainwreck was talking about trying to get sister N to the closest bigger town to get her new cell phone, and apparently that was an awful experience because N is deaf, and couldn't understand anything about what she was buying, and on and on.
The whole trip was hard, because N's mobility is still limited, and everything just takes a long time because of her hearing.
Trainwreck was frustrated, because SHE had things she needed to do too, and those kind of got side-lined.
This kind of thing scares me about getting older. Sister N really probably should be getting more help, maybe not yet a care home, but maybe an apartment at the lodge in town which is more like assisted living? I don't know how people with issues like hers get things sorted out, like getting a new phone or getting to the doctor in another town when you can't drive well. I suppose in part, maybe a person with those issues shouldn't be living in an isolated town an hour and half away from services, but she can't afford to live there.
Then I talked to Trainwreck about sister E, and her husband's increasing irritability as his health declines. Trainwreck said it was like that too, when her partner was dying two years ago. There is a lot of anger about not being able to do things due to being sick, and also a lot of resentment at everyone else carrying on with things because their life isn't ending.
I asked her to see if sister E would be willing to talk about things with Trainwreck, so they could compare notes and maybe have some understanding of how her husband is feeling, and to see that his anger isn't personal or about sister E.
On a brighter note, I was able to get some hay. I was able to get about a month's worth, so I still need a lot more than that, but this is a start. We have had a very wet June, and there IS hay in the fields, but it's not easy to get to. A lot of the fields are wet, and you can't cut if it's like that. There might also be a very narrow window before it rains again, which can damage the hay if it is cut and lying in the field. This is the first hay I've heard of being available, so I jumped on it.
Normally I go get square bales when my husband is home, but this farmer is very...funny about things. He likes to sell his hay bales right out of the field rather than store any of it, so if you can't be ready to come get hay the day he bales it, then you are generally shit out of luck.
He also cuts VERY good hay, so people just do what he wants.
I am not very comfortable driving with a trailer, but I figured I had to do it if I was going to get a start on our winter hay supply, and who knows if there will be enough hay around.
Generally I get big, round bales from a different hay guy, but he doesn't have any hay ready yet, and I am trying to get at least SOME hay now.
I had to hook up the trailer, and I went through a safety checklist with my husband over the phone to make sure I got it right.
Then I went to the hay guy's place and picked 40 square bales off his field by hand. That is about all I could put on this small trailer, or I would have taken more. They are around 50 pounds each, and it isn't just picking them up. It's picking them up and stacking them on top of each other in an organized way.
Then I got home, and drove the truck/trailer into the barn (used almost entirely for hay storage) and took all the bales off and stacked them in the barn.
All of this was out of my comfort zone for sure, mostly because of the trailer (still, it was a small trailer, so not THAT hard to drive, but I can't back it for shit). Lots of physical effort.
I learned about the Dade-Collier Training and Transition Airport; a public airport located within the Florida Everglades, 36 miles (58 km) west of the central business district of Miami, in Collier County, Florida, United States. It is owned by Miami-Dade County and operated by the Miami-Dade Aviation Department The airport is on the Tamiami Trail near the border between Dade and Collier counties in central South Florida.
This airport was going to be a giant, mega airport with a monorail and expressway connecting it to Miami and the Gulf of Mexico, and was planned to be five times larger than JFK airport in New York. It was going to cover 39 square miles, and have six gigantic runways. It was slated to be the largest airport in the world.
This was all in preparation for the Boeing 2707, a supersonic passenger aircraft that was being developed, that would need VERY long runways, and the location in Florida was deemed to be the perfect place for a hub where the supersonics would be able to land from overseas flights, and then connections would be made to other places within the U.S.
Partly from environmental concerns (riiight, like giant companies care about that), and mostly likely almost entirely from the cancellation of the building of the Boeing 2707 supersonic vessels in 1970, the development was halted after only one of the approximately two mile long runways was built.
It ended up being perfect for flight training, and that is what it was used for after that, though it is also accessible to other general aviation (for private planes, I guess?).
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dade-Collier_Training_and_Transition_Airport
A good phone conversation with my Trainwreck sister. Sometimes though, I think it is hard to convey that I get stressed about the house without everyone thinking I am leaving my husband. Does no one express frustration and anger without thinking it has to mean a divorce?
When I talk to Trainwreck, she runs away with whatever I talk about, and projects all of her horrible life experiences onto it. To her, I am not just having a rough patch, I am being treated like garbage and everything in our house is dangerous. I can't deescalate her impression of what is happening because she stops listening to ME, and starts playing back her trauma instead. Sigh.
I also tried to tell her that the last two times he was home, progress has been made and I feel better, but that isn't what she hears.
Yes, I get really upset and angry. It is pretty awful and serious, yes. As long as I see something happening, I can feel better, which is the case for right now.
Anyhow, Trainwreck helps our sister N out a lot. N is the one who recently got surgery on her knee, and has numerous health issues, and in general has poor mobility, lots of depression, and general poor health. She is also pretty much deaf, which makes things terrible for her, because she gets isolated from the world, and it is hard for her to get things done because she can't communicate her needs well.
Trainwreck was talking about trying to get sister N to the closest bigger town to get her new cell phone, and apparently that was an awful experience because N is deaf, and couldn't understand anything about what she was buying, and on and on.
The whole trip was hard, because N's mobility is still limited, and everything just takes a long time because of her hearing.
Trainwreck was frustrated, because SHE had things she needed to do too, and those kind of got side-lined.
This kind of thing scares me about getting older. Sister N really probably should be getting more help, maybe not yet a care home, but maybe an apartment at the lodge in town which is more like assisted living? I don't know how people with issues like hers get things sorted out, like getting a new phone or getting to the doctor in another town when you can't drive well. I suppose in part, maybe a person with those issues shouldn't be living in an isolated town an hour and half away from services, but she can't afford to live there.
Then I talked to Trainwreck about sister E, and her husband's increasing irritability as his health declines. Trainwreck said it was like that too, when her partner was dying two years ago. There is a lot of anger about not being able to do things due to being sick, and also a lot of resentment at everyone else carrying on with things because their life isn't ending.
I asked her to see if sister E would be willing to talk about things with Trainwreck, so they could compare notes and maybe have some understanding of how her husband is feeling, and to see that his anger isn't personal or about sister E.
On a brighter note, I was able to get some hay. I was able to get about a month's worth, so I still need a lot more than that, but this is a start. We have had a very wet June, and there IS hay in the fields, but it's not easy to get to. A lot of the fields are wet, and you can't cut if it's like that. There might also be a very narrow window before it rains again, which can damage the hay if it is cut and lying in the field. This is the first hay I've heard of being available, so I jumped on it.
Normally I go get square bales when my husband is home, but this farmer is very...funny about things. He likes to sell his hay bales right out of the field rather than store any of it, so if you can't be ready to come get hay the day he bales it, then you are generally shit out of luck.
He also cuts VERY good hay, so people just do what he wants.
I am not very comfortable driving with a trailer, but I figured I had to do it if I was going to get a start on our winter hay supply, and who knows if there will be enough hay around.
Generally I get big, round bales from a different hay guy, but he doesn't have any hay ready yet, and I am trying to get at least SOME hay now.
I had to hook up the trailer, and I went through a safety checklist with my husband over the phone to make sure I got it right.
Then I went to the hay guy's place and picked 40 square bales off his field by hand. That is about all I could put on this small trailer, or I would have taken more. They are around 50 pounds each, and it isn't just picking them up. It's picking them up and stacking them on top of each other in an organized way.
Then I got home, and drove the truck/trailer into the barn (used almost entirely for hay storage) and took all the bales off and stacked them in the barn.
All of this was out of my comfort zone for sure, mostly because of the trailer (still, it was a small trailer, so not THAT hard to drive, but I can't back it for shit). Lots of physical effort.
I learned about the Dade-Collier Training and Transition Airport; a public airport located within the Florida Everglades, 36 miles (58 km) west of the central business district of Miami, in Collier County, Florida, United States. It is owned by Miami-Dade County and operated by the Miami-Dade Aviation Department The airport is on the Tamiami Trail near the border between Dade and Collier counties in central South Florida.
This airport was going to be a giant, mega airport with a monorail and expressway connecting it to Miami and the Gulf of Mexico, and was planned to be five times larger than JFK airport in New York. It was going to cover 39 square miles, and have six gigantic runways. It was slated to be the largest airport in the world.
This was all in preparation for the Boeing 2707, a supersonic passenger aircraft that was being developed, that would need VERY long runways, and the location in Florida was deemed to be the perfect place for a hub where the supersonics would be able to land from overseas flights, and then connections would be made to other places within the U.S.
Partly from environmental concerns (riiight, like giant companies care about that), and mostly likely almost entirely from the cancellation of the building of the Boeing 2707 supersonic vessels in 1970, the development was halted after only one of the approximately two mile long runways was built.
It ended up being perfect for flight training, and that is what it was used for after that, though it is also accessible to other general aviation (for private planes, I guess?).
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dade-Collier_Training_and_Transition_Airport
no subject
Date: 2022-07-12 04:21 pm (UTC)But healthy people don't do that. Healthy people, when annoyed, CAN control their anger and CAN choose not to respond, while waiting to see how a situation plays out. Which is exactly what you do when you're frustrated with him. You choose not to blow up. You wait to see how he'll respond if you talk with him about your needs. And usually things get better.
Personally, I don't think anything you've previously written better shows how different you are from these members of your family. My bet is that these less functional siblings just don't even have these skills in their repertoire, so they don't understand your more measured response to him. It's very sad for them, I think.
I wonder if your sibling N has a doctor? Reporting these concerns to a medical professional might be a first step to getting her more care.
BTW, I agree: Aging is pretty scary!
no subject
Date: 2022-07-12 10:16 pm (UTC)What is hard for me, is not to escalate when his response is to get defensive or turn it back on me somehow as being my fault he''s not getting more done (that has happened, and it is infuriating). I try very hard to focus on the absolute present situation, and work on solving the problem, not laying blame.
Trainwreck sister has had a rough life, and a lot of it is her black and white thinking when things get rough. I can be that way too, and it takes a lot of work to get past it, and I don't always succeed.
Her response to hard things is generally "fine, fuck it then, I'm outta here", rather than problem solving.
I have seen her really make improvements in communicating with family in the last few years, because I know she doesn't want to be alone. I give her a lot of credit for trying to overcome that urge to just withdraw from conflict.
N does have a doctor, but you have to be damn near dead before any of them start talking about getting more care. N has a son and a daughter that do help keep up the house/yard a bit, the daughter will sometimes drive her to appointments. Trainwreck helps where she can, and in our town you can get groceries delivered for an affordable fee.
I am hoping that her recent knee surgery will help with her mobility, and maybe she can lose more weight which will make things easier. Her biggest issue is her hearing, which doesn't seem to be improved with a hearing aid.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-14 12:29 pm (UTC)Hurrah for hay though! I kind of wish they did two wire bales here. They pretty much do all three wire so they range from 75-130lbs depending on who is baling, which is a pain to maneuver as you can imagine.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-14 10:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-14 11:22 pm (UTC)