Wednesday, August 9

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

Hot, sunny weather.

Somehow, I didn't do much of anything useful today. I find days like that very strange, because I always intend to get something useful done.

I did re-pot a plant, so there is that. I picked up a few things and put them away.

I went to see River. We had a lesson today.

His eye is doing well, but then today he had a lot of swelling on his upper lip, just on one side. It is likely just from these horrible flies, as there was nothing amiss that we could see with his tongue or teeth. He doesn't seem to be more than mildly annoyed by it.

We had a good lesson. We worked on the side pass in a slightly different way, and on being clear with the three steps of cues (amount of energy in asking for something). Then we worked on riding with the neck rope, on getting better circles and allowing for time to warm up. Then we went to the bigger outdoor arena and tried a fairly simple riding pattern with just the neck rope, and with some practice we could maybe be ready to do another virtual show (sigh, must find reserves of good sportsmanship, and wear the right shirt I guess).

Then I sat and visited with another woman for a while, and we watched R work with the new little guy. It quietly became social, as R's husband came and sat with us, then this woman's daughter, and it was very nice to sit outside on a lovely golden evening and watch R work with a horse as we all chatted.

I came home and let everyone out for a while.

I wanted to not say anything at all about the house today to my Sweetie, so I did not. I thanked him for a few things he has done that make life better (the nice doors, the light on the outside of the house), and tried to be pleasant. Sometimes I need to be pleasant too, to remember what that is like.

I learned that the New Zealand army played most of the extras in the Lord of The Rings films, (Orcs, human soldiers, etc.) as well as helping to build many of the sets.

theguardian.com/film/2...

Comments

[ratunderpaper]

Today, I reminded - gently, gently - all the denizens that gratitude is always important.

It has been a difficult task to allow others to "get away" with contemptuous remarks, but it was a good idea to respond to contempt with something positive that sounded genuine and pleasant. (I can always write an acidic comic strip or NaNoWriMo later.)

Being pleasant is sometimes a headache, but it's default now.

[gottawonder]

I want to remember the me that wasn't trying to finish a house. That was a long time ago.

When we first started dating, I had an apartment in a run-down building. First thing he did was start working on it. The management didn't seem to mind. It never got "finished", we moved.

We bought a run-down house in Wyoming. Spent seven whole years working on it, hardcore. Siding, insulation, windows, electrical, new bathrooms, painting that never stopped, yard work, tore down a fence and built a new one, re-shingled, new hot water tank, new furnace, tiling in the kitchen. AT one point we even had to jack hammer up about 1/4 of the basement floor to repair the sewer pipes, and I hauled blocks of concrete out of the basement for weeks with pails and dumped them in a trailer. We had open sewage (the tops of the cast iron sewer pipes had rusted away completely, and the sewage just ran along like a canal). Then we replaced all of those pipes and re-poured the floor. Never got totally "finished" but close. We moved.

Bought a run-down trailer. Ripped out the carpet and put in laminate. Re-did the surround around the fireplace. Painted just about every room again. Replaced doors, stripped one room down to the studs and re-built it, tore down two whole walls in the addition and re-built them, new shingles, some new windows, bathroom cabinet. Never really got finished.

Tore down the trailer, and now doing this house.

I always thought at some point, we would be done. Twenty three years of this.

Why is anyone addressing you with contemptuous comments? Every day you post about getting something useful done, getting rid of hooey, and also finding time and energy to bring something refined and beautiful into your/their lives. I hold you in high esteem for your gentility and grit.

[ratunderpaper]

Twenty-three years of "working towards but never finishing" is far too much for anyone to bear, unless they're into that idea - remember the story of the extended family bloke who, with his wife, built most of his house from scratch in the late 80s but will not finish it? I think they're both okay with things as they are. I don't get it.

I have an idea that may work for you. If Spouse is eager to put together a bedroom for the nephew, perhaps he and the contractor can quickly frame and work up two rooms this weekend - the spare room plus the main bedroom. The pieces and construction can be done in tandem, and you will be able to get your own bedroom done at the same time as nephew's (insert eye-rolling here). I know it's not the order you prefer, but it might mean the bedroom you need AND the bedroom Spouse wants for nephew (insert eye-rolling again) completed more or less at the same time.

Is there a way for you to do the linoleum floor and have Spouse troubleshoot while you learn a fab new skill?

I have learned the hard way that unless I really get myself motivated on a project, it'll stagnate for years at the "Yeah, we'll have to get a floor tiled before a new vanity plinth goes in and a new toilet is installed and the drywall at the bottom of the wall is replaced and a baseboard is built" stage.

And now, addressing the issue of refined things and beauty in life... some strive for the best they can be, and others feel it's hubris, almost sinful, to strive to live well. It comes, I think, with a certain kind of religious background. (Think Miriam Toews.) And contemptuous comments are learned in childhood without much recognition that they are, in fact, contemptuous. (They are viewed as righteous and Godly, not derisive.) Hardly matters - all negativity amounts to doinkery in my book, and I stomp on it pretty quickly.

[gottawonder]

I talked with my husband some more about what his perspective is on how long things are taking, and his response was "I love just working on the house. I'm not in a hurry. I would be happy working on it for the rest of my life, because I enjoy the process so much".

He does seem to understand that I have literally come to loathe working on the house. The disruption, the sense of impermanence, and how it consumes all of our free time.

See my new post, to give you an idea of what I mean about us already having a bedroom, but that we are changing it all around.

We COULD just have stayed in our current bedroom, but it is cramped, and doing the reno gives us the chance to have a bigger bedroom, and a proper bathroom instead of the cramped mess we have right now, that has cracked plaster and horrible lino that we can't even really fix without taking everything out of that room.

You can see why I want to keep going hard on the house, as there is so much left to do. It is a huge undertaking. Not beyond our skills, but it takes continually accomplishing big things.

Re: living well. Though no one in my family says anything, and maybe I am wrong about what my Mom would think of how I live, but I know that she would find our lives ridiculously frivolous.

I spend a lot of money on the horses at home that are merely pets, on my pets, on expensive art books, on all kinds of things my Mom couldn't have afforded, and wouldn't have spent that kind of money on it even if she had it.

She was born in the Depression, and was always a farmer.

She would not have ever lived the way my husband and I live. The way I am a night owl and sleep late, or how I go kayaking (frivolous) or that we go to the art gallery (again, pretentious).

Many things I do seem unbelievably strange to someone from that era. Training a horse to do Liberty work? Paying a ton of money to feed cats that live indoors as pets? Even bothering to renovate a house that is already perfectly functional?

It is a constant little voice in the back of my head that everything I do just about, is extravagant, and pretentious, and frivolous.

Twenty some years ago, I disliked my Husband's Mother because she was so determined to come across as being "high class", even though it felt very bougie. Like she made a big deal out of having a table cloth and cloth napkins at every supper, with candles and so on, like they "dined", not ate.

She decorated in an inexpensive, tasteful way, but it felt like it gave her the right to judge others who didn't.

I don't know how to describe it, it was like she was working so hard to be more than middle class that it hurt, and I felt like she always judged me for not trying as hard.

Then from my Mom, though she never said anything, I was frivolous.

I just want to be able to enjoy beauty, without it being a way to impress other people, or to make others feel like I am "putting on airs".

[ratunderpaper]

You'll always find people to disapprove of your life because what and how they have chosen to live is the only right way.

I've seen far more judgment from those who have chosen to live without manners and in near squalor than in those who desire to live in a way that is seen as affluent.

Nothing wrong with tablecloths and napkins - I rather like them - but they shouldn't bring superiority along with them. Though I've come across people who guzzle water straight from the kitchen faucet and lick their plates, all the while criticising those who don't as high-falutin'.

[gottawonder]

No, there is nothing inherently wrong with table cloths and napkins, when they are not seemingly used as a standard set to measure others.

[ratunderpaper]

My standard to measure the behaviour of others has less to do with table coverings and everything to do with rudimentary table manners. It is rude(at least in our culture) to chomp food loudly, to belch, and to chew/talk with one's mouth full. In other cultures, it may be fine, but here it is appalling.