Saturday, October 22

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

Well, just getting up and doing something. I sure didn't feel like it.

I didn't get any sleep last night. I was agitated about the number of things I wanted to try and do while my husband is home, not happy that the contractors have been sick, but they might have had Covid, and wondering if they will still be contagious when they come back to work, and feeling overwhelmed by clutter as I bring things into the house that have been in the sea can for the last three years.

My husband was up early and took a load of no longer needed/wanted items to the local Habitat for Humanity (they sell all kinds of household things as well as building materials to keep it out of the landfill and to make remodeling more affordable for people). That should make a dent in the things in storage.

I woke up feeling like there was just too much I wanted to do today. Waking up and already feeling "behind" made me feel kind of hopeless. There are days when I feel so overwhelmed by everything we are doing and still need to do, and all the work in the world doesn't seem to be enough to finally catch up.

I finally got up out of sheer stubbornness, not from any zest or zeal. I was in a terrible mood, and it really didn't let up much through the day.

My husband and I wanted to finally go to the art gallery, and yes, that should have been something to be happy about, but it closes by 5 pm. We live over an hour away from it, and I sleep late by nature (and had not slept much), and we still had eat and do chores and change clothes, etc. It felt like more pressure and expectation to get there in time to enjoy it. It is not much fun to see it as something that makes you hurry to get out the door when you are already feeling overwhelmed.

To get there, we drive right past the animal supply store, and I knew we had to stop and buy straps to replace all the lost/broken ones on the winter blankets before it snows. That ate up more time.

We did get to the art gallery, and we only had about 45 minutes, but at least we went. We have annual memberships there, and it seems like a waste not to go often.

The displays were not AMAZING this time, but a few very good paintings.

A lot we had seen previously (one gallery was all selections of the permanent collection).

After that, we were fighting 6 pm traffic to get to the art supply store before it closed, and we made it. I wanted to try water soluble graphite powder.

Then we had a more leisurely trip to the second hand book store, where I found book two and three of a series, but not the first (had to hit the new store on the way out). The in-store kitty was nice to us.

We stopped by one of our building friend's house to pick up a ladder we had lent him this summer. That was the key reason for going to the city.

I just get so tired, and overwhelmed, and I end up just...dealing with things all the time by myself because my husband is away for ten days at a time, and I try not to dump a lot on him while he's at work, because that means talking on the phone for an hour when what he needs is to go to sleep.

Then he comes home, and there is this huge list of things that need to be done while he is here to help and to decide, and then my schedule is all crazy because he is making arrangements with people, or plans can change three or four times depending on what he needs to do next, and I often feel like he comes home and I no longer have control of my day or my space.

It is not his fault, but it is DISRUPTIVE and unnerving to be in charge for ten days, to dictate your own day and schedule, to wake up and methodically work through your normal chores, and then he comes home and it is just chaos. You wake up to find out what you are going to do today, and what YOU have to do to help, and where you are going, what you have time for, what will be open, what order you have to go to the stores (as in, this one is closed by five, this one is open until 6).

It is like this most of the time when he is home for days off. At least one day is just a rush, even if it meant to be a "fun day". The pressure did not make today feel fun.

I also don't know how to change things. I feel stuck in this repeating pattern of days that has the illusion of being different, but seems more like a two week, ever repeating loop of events.

Today I learned That Oprah Winfrey's real name is actually Orpah. It is a biblical name.

Her full name is Orpah Gayle Winfrey. That’s right, Orpah, not Oprah.

Born in rural Mississippi in 1954, she was named after a biblical figure in the Book of Ruth.

When no one knew how to spell or pronounce it properly, they started calling her Oprah instead.

Comments

[sherlockishere]

I"m sorry about the out-of-sorts day. I used to deal with that feeling when the kids were in joint custody. They were at my house for a week, and then switched houses on Sunday afternoons. First, I tried hard to make my weeks without the kids as productive as possible, but I found myself wearing myself out with work. Then I tried keeping the pace of my life the same, whether the kids were with me or not, in hopes of less disruption, but that didn't really work either. It's just tough to have family members coming and going this way.

[gottawonder]

Thanks for understanding. It isn't about not being happy he's home, or anything like that.

It's this strange dynamic where he comes home, and all of a sudden we're driving around the whole time, looking at and buying material for the house, doing stuff I can only do when he's home, finding myself unable to use the kitchen counter because he's making coffee, having to check to see if the cats got fed because he does it sometimes, but doesn't always do the other associated chores (I soak hay cubes when I feed the cats so they are ready when I go outside).

Often I wake up and he's gone. He'll have run to town to do something, or he went over to someone's house. I don't always know where he went.

It's just...unsettling?

Then I have to find out every day he's home what the structure of the day will be, and where we are going or doing. I feel a bit like a fish out of water at times.

[cf2princessawnw]

You explained it well, and it makes total sense to feel the way you do. Routine (as you know with your animals) is everything, and it really IS jarring to have it shifted (even if it's for someone you love and are happy to be with).

[gottawonder]

It is even that I go from being almost 100% alone when I am in the house for ten days, to sharing everything. It is half his, etc. Yes.

Then, to go from deciding for yourself how to tackle the day to having someone else there saying "We need to go to town today for building supplies (maybe pick out linoleum?) then do a run out to so and so's place to pick up tools he borrowed, then make sure to get cash at the ATM for the contractors, THEN we can go straight from there to the barn (so, wear one set of clothes to go to town, and put riding clothes into a bag, and try to remember to move the saddle into the truck from my car), unless you don't want to go to town with me, and if not I guess I'll be gone all day and I'll see you when you get home from the barn."

That might be the conversation we have as I am trying to wake up, with cats screaming for food.

Sometimes we talk about it the day before, but often it shifts and changes, so that all you really know is that when you get up, you're going somewhere and doing stuff. It is consenting, and often necessary, but still jarring.

[cf2princessawnw]

That helps to know only because I can suddenly see how things would change for old bff when her husband came back from deployment. I never quite understood why she didn't have time for me suddenly. From 3 hours a day on the phone helping her to nothing for weeks. I admit it felt like, really? what another honeymoon? In my experience, everyone who gets married goes down a rabbithole for 1 year lol no matter how they say they won't. They forget everyone and then come out after 6 months if they are close friends or 1 year if otherwise, and they just lost track of time totally unaware time flew. Having never been married, I can try to understand or accept but I obviously don't truly know what that's all like.

From what you say, it's like living two lives/lifestyles and having to switch in and out of them. I'm sure that's very challenging for you both. I think you both do a great job to make it work as well as it does.

[gottawonder]

It really is like two lives. I'm sure it is like that for him too.

My experience from being a new couple, is that there is a LOT to do.

For some, it is moving in together, first FINDING a place together, then fixing it up, then filling it.

People also often move right after they get married, and sometimes it is right after they graduate from college/university and had to interview for jobs at the same time.

Chances are, they have friends getting married too, and are involved in that.

The first year, all the holidays are super important, and they are trying to spend time together, but also make it to every single family thing on each of their sides.

Then, they often get pets right away, or are already planning a family.

There is banking and financial stuff to do.

Also, that first year of living with someone (unless they already were living together) is insanely stressful. You are REALLY learning about each other, sometimes in a new light. Who cleans up after meals, whose job is taking priority, who is more dedicated to the pets/kids, who organizes shopping trips, who needs to go to bed earlier, and who hogs the bathroom, and on and on. It is an exhausting process.

Some cultures go as far as to give new couples a year to do little else but figure out their lives together.

[cf2princessawnw]

This makes a lot of sense and is helpful.

I always feel unsure of where to fit as a friend and where to give space. Even with B2 or my very busy friends, I wait to call or contact because I know they are always busy.... until I realize there IS no time for me. I know they are busy, but I don't know what to do as a friend/family member. They are figuring out so much, I know they can't figure this out too. I just don't always know. I always think, I'll give them time until things settle down, but like you said there is always something else. A new pet, a new home, a baby, a special trip.

I don't think I do badly at this point, but mostly just give everyone space and only contact when absolutely necessary.

[gottawonder]

It makes me feel a little sad when you say you give everyone space and only contact when absolutely necessary.

I hate feeling like when I want to talk to people, just because I miss them or want to talk with someone, I might be annoying them, and they might be perceiving me as being needy.

I am needy. I am a human being who spends too much time alone. Somewhere out there, are people who were around me in person as a kid. My family that I used to see all the time. Now I don't see them much. Same with friends from different stages of my life that USED to sit right next to me and go to movies with me, to eat out, and to go for walks. Somehow that doesn't happen anymore.

I am sad at how needing human contact seems to be such a burden.

[cf2princessawnw]

It makes me feel sad to feel that way until I finally stopped putting energy into those relationships. I miss them, and I do wonder if I should find a way to still try to show up more often. I know they care and time flies. But I also have very limited energy, and as it decreases these more recent years, I just can't do it. I need people who will give a dang about how III am doing too. It hurts too much to be struggling so and then feel less than on top of it. So, not putting as much or any sometimes energy into those relationships has helped the most. I can form new ones while still not losing the old. The old aren't growing anymore, but they are there for the moments we do connect I guess.

Don't feel bad for feeling needy. Every human is!!! And you make a very good point about being alone so much so needing contact that much more. My friend KOB was just talking today about how everyone's different but people are what make her feel alive, connected to life, and happy. Others it's being outdoors or buying things but for her doing life with people means the most. She is divorced (got married at 19 I think and it fell through despite her best efforts by I think like 25?) But she has learned a lot. And she was talking about how God made us for connection and how for support and connection He gave spouses who are right there in your life, and then family who are right there in your home, and then if that didn't work, the church for community... and how people forget that joy and connection with others over shared joys is vital for human beings. I may not be saying this right, but I guess, yeah, no one should feel like a burden. And more so, I've found you just can't handle that at the foundational level. When I'm struggling with health and life soooo much that feels like cement being poured in where I need oxygen. So should I reach to stay in family's lives somehow. Maybe. I'm not sure. Because important as it is with family and old bff etc. I just can't and you can't do what you literally can't do. if that makes sense.

Wishing you more friends that value the amazing person you truly are so that you can do life together as much as you feel the need to. <3