Tuesday, December 6

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

Not needing to do anything other than care for the animals. I think having time to deeply process loss can be important.

It was really cold today and yesterday. I put the goats back into the garage yesterday, and they've been there overnight. They are staying inside for tonight too. I did let them walk around inside the garage for a while, since the little pens they have in there are pretty small. They do have to stay in the pens most of the time for safety. There's too much stuff they could knock over or chew on, given enough time unsupervised.

I tried to reach out to Trainwreck and Sister E about Fatty's death, and neither one of them seemed capable of just a normal, compassionate response. It actually just pissed me off that they couldn't even manage to be empathetic.

Trainwreck made it sound like I was just "so lucky to be able to afford to put down my cat nicely instead of dumping him in the bush to die". Like that was ever really an option. That was just baffling. I sincerely doubt that any vet would turn us away if we said we couldn't afford to put him down; they would likely let us pay when we could later rather than send us home with a suffering animal, and I told her that, just in case she's forgotten that one day a vet would likely do that for her if she had a dying animal.

Then Sister E's response was a gruff "Oh yeah, been there, done that!" I was expecting more from her, since she usually seems more caring than that about animals.

So, I guess I have to remind myself that my family is unreliable and emotionally stunted, and to stop expecting them to be any different.

I don't know how much the other cats miss Fatty, or how much they understand about him being gone, but I have really noticed today how quiet they are. They have been a lot of time staying out of the way and not being their normal, roughhousing selves.

I spent some time looking at pictures of the cats at various ages, and mourned and loved all on my own. Properly, allowing myself to just feel all the feels.

I learned that that an axolotl has this unique ability to regenerate almost anything you cut off them, they can even regenerate spinal cords, eyes and even parts of their brains.

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/complete-axolotl-genome-could-reveal-secret-regenerating-tissues-180971335/

Comments

[sherlockishere]

I'm so sorry for your sisters' responses. Honestly, I'll never understand how some people don't really feel for animals. I'm glad you're taking time for your emotions. It's hard, but I think it's the best thing to do. I'm sure your other kitties miss him, too.

[gottawonder]

What is weird to me, is that I know that both of those sisters DO love animals. Very much so.

I really do not expect normal responses from Trainwreck. Not about anything. She goes out of her way sometimes to say things just to be shocking or bizarre rather than take the time to say anything sincere.

Sister E though, I thought would be more empathetic. She herself does love animals, and is a good care giver to them. I really don't understand the gruff response.

It's almost like they didn't want to be emotional about it, so they just said weird, off-putting things instead.

I know there are a lot of people out there who really don't understand all the fuss over pets, and then there are even pet owners who can be pretty flippant over the loss of a pet, doing the whole "oh well, death is natural, no point in being upset about it" thing.

Fatty was part of my family, and I mean family. These little fuzz butts are my constant daily companions. They play with me, they sleep with me, they comfort me, and they make me laugh. They spend more time with me than my husband, and certainly do more for my daily happiness than pretty much any human person.

I am okay with his passing, in that he was very sick and we had already done our best for him. Other times I have felt worse about the death because I was less sure of whether or not it was something in my control.

I do think there has to be something wrong with you if you can't muster a sincere and compassionate response to someone who has just put down a beloved cat.

[sherlockishere]

Yes, exactly! Animals are exactly that-- family members! I remember when I was a child living in the country.... our animals meant the world to me. Particularly our cats, who were there to comfort me when our parents were acting strangely and threateningly. I could go off with my favorite cat and tell them all about it, receiving purrs and soft whiskery kisses in return. Being with them was so much comfort to me.

To this day, I struggle to deal with any cat's death, but especially my own. A few years ago I adopted a kitten who turned out to have that horrible kitten disease, and she died just a few days later. It didn't matter that I had just adopted her-- I was devastated. In fact, knowing that I can't financially guarantee I could keep a horse for its full life now, I know I won't own another one-- I just can't take that process of rehome-ing a horse again and worrying about whether I made the right choice. It took too much out of me last time.

As painful as this process can be, though, I can't imagine living without cats (who have always been my favorites). In fact, I've made the kids promise they will keep my cats when I die or place them with friends they are absolutely sure of. I worried a lot about my cats when I had cancer.

Yeah, I'm hoping your sisters just weren't able to cope with the emotions of the situation. I'm glad to know they do love animals, even if they can't talk about it very well....

Are you doing ok with all of this? I would think it would be tough to have your sweetie working right now. It can help to have someone to talk with, even if it's just laughing over the things that Fatty used to do. If you ever have time, I would love to read a post about this gang of cats you've had-- their favorite activities and oddities. Cats can be such quirky personalities. Do you have any that fetch like Dobby does? I've never been "owned" by a cat as possessive as he is!

[gottawonder]

Thank you for such a kind and understanding post.

It isn't easy to have my husband needing to go back to work right away. In a weird and slightly awful way, I am grateful that things with Fatty became clear enough that I could in good conscience have him put down while my husband was home. If there was any doubt at all, I would not have done so and kept trying.

I wasn't too happy to think of the other way it could have gone, where I had to take Fatty in alone.

I felt like my husband needed to be there for his own closure, and in a less generous way, I felt like he shouldn't be able to just go to work and not deal with it together. There are far too many things that my husband just doesn't deal with, and uses "I have to work" as the reason not to give things their proper due.

I am at peace with our decision. Poor Fatty was in terrible shape, and none of the pills seemed to be helping him with the nausea and lack of appetite. The blood work we had done a week before showed that he likely had liver damage from taking steroids for two years. It was something the vet had mentioned when we started the Prednisolone, is that it has its price.

I just miss him. He had a great, big personality and loved to snuggle and was right in the middle of everything. He had a lot of presence.

I might go ahead and post some pictures of other kitties past and present, if it isn't too tiresome for folks here.

I totally get you as far as the responsibility that comes with having a horse. Probably for you, if you do want to be around them again, a lease situation would work well.

A few years ago I mildly questioned a friend who was around 70 at the time, who wanted to start taking in ponies and donkeys to be a sanctuary for them. Her heart was, and likely always will be in the right place, but that was not going to create a long enough solution for beings that can live to be 35 years old or more.

Thank you for taking the time to write such a considerate post. It means a lot to me.

[gottawonder]

I would like to add that some of my desire to care for animals properly comes from growing up on a farm too.

I loved the animals, and often I had hard realities to deal with as they would die from things that came from being outdoor animals. We would have lots and lots of kittens because we could not afford to fix any cats, then almost all of them would die from predators, illness, being wrapped up inside the car (they crawl inside the engines for warmth in the winter), stepped on by cows, and sometimes even eaten by the pigs. It was heart breaking.

I was not allowed to have any indoor pets, or to do much to save any of them. It left me feeling pretty helpless.

Even the horses didn't get much in the way of special care, and it led to me making some grievous choices, because you just end up thinking that it is "soft" to do more, and a waste of money, and so on.

To be fair to my Mom, there just wasn't much money.

You would think that growing up on a farm that I would have known a lot about the care of animals, but that is not the case. I have gone on to make a lot of mistakes, and I have had to really work to overcome the callouses that built up about them.

I've had to learn that it is OKAY to call the vet. That it is OKAY to baby them a little, like me bringing the goats inside the warmer garage during cold snaps, or to put blankets on the horses and to give them drugs for arthritis and extra nice mash.

That it isn't weakness to care or love them.

I am also a vegetarian now, though not a vegan (though I am in agreement with the principles, I still eat dairy and eggs, and use leather, though I feel odd about it). That is something that is a first for our family.

The way I live my life now is a weird mix of trying to re-create my youth on a farm, but re-writing it so that we have a farm full of animals, but they are here to be loved, not eaten.

[sherlockishere]

Your "life plan" makes perfect sense to me. Don't we all hope to hold on to part of our history, while also making it better? I really love the way you write about your family, with all of its imperfections-- You always show a lot of love for them, even though you are clear-eyed about their limitations. All of us should be so well-understood and still so cared about.