Sunday, December 11

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

Lots of sleep lately. It is strange to wake up and there is so little daylight left in the day. Being a night owl/late riser has a distinct disadvantage in the middle of winter.

At least very soon the days will be getting longer again.

Feeling a little frustrated about the family pictures I am posting on Facebook. I have made it clear that I will be putting them all on thumb drives, at which point they can make prints if they want. Sister L wanted me to send her a message with one of the pictures...so she could send it to her daughter (her phone is so old it doesn't get Facebook), to get a print made. Since it just isn't clear enough that soon she will get a drive with THAT PICTURE on it.

Talking with Trainwreck today was just annoying. She brought up old resentments with our niece, that solve nothing. She should go talk to my niece about this, not me. I have heard the same story now a dozen times or more.

She didn't really even ask how I was doing, or give me a chance to talk about any of the positive things that are going on in my life. She only wants to talk about her stuff, sad things.

I feel like I work pretty hard to have positive things. Working towards goals with River is a big thing for me. Doing interesting things at pottery is pretty cool. My painting is cool. The progress that we made on the house this year is pretty positive. Having nice evenings at home with the animals watching interesting movies/shows or reading has been cozy on some pretty chilly nights. She really doesn't want to hear the nice things.

I did go see River today, though it was pretty cold. We did well on our ground work, and I rode bareback with just the neck rope. I spent some time focusing on the mounted side pass, which is hard to communicate without a bridle (he wants to walk forward). I am trying to use my seat and the neck rope to block the forward movement. He is getting it, but not nice and clean yet.

I appreciated being able to get out of the house and work with him, I get a little house bound in the winter.

I did bring the goats back into the garage, and put warmer blankets on those that wear blankets.

Today I learned that neither sweet potato or yam are really potatoes.

The potato is a member of the night shade family (like tomatoes and peppers) and the "potato" that we eat is a tuber.

A sweet potato is a from the same family as the Morning Glory, and the part we eat is a root, not a tuber.

A yam is not related to either a sweet potato OR a regular potato. It is related to grasses and lilies. It is a tuber.

https://carnegiemnh.org/potatoes-sweet-potatoes-yams-whats-difference/

Comments

[sherlockishere]

You prompted me to go look up what a mounted side pass is! And I didn't know any of that about potatoes.

I find it wearing to be around people like your TW sister. The relentless negative view saps one's energy. You do a great job of coping with her, honestly....

[gottawonder]

Before her partner passed a few years ago, I really didn't talk to her that much for exactly that reason. When he passed, I made much more of an effort to call her, because I knew she was going to need more contact.

She isn't ALWAYS negative, and there are times when she actually seems to care about what is going on in your life, but she seems to care more if you are suffering. THAT she gets.

She doesn't seem comfortable with the idea of celebrating the hard work that goes into something like working with River or the house, or how seriously I take my care of animals.

All of it though, is subject to change. She can be compassionate about something one day, flippant the next. Dismissive perhaps, or even make a little joke about it. She can feel three different ways about the same thing, depending on how the conversation goes.

The take home message is that she is not consistent or reliable. She doesn't tend to take ownership of her position, and doesn't seem to consider the effect it has.

If it helps, our Dad died when she was about 12 years old, and I'm pretty sure that is where she is stuck. She has never really grown up, and is still just a kid trying to pretend to be tough, and she's never grown up enough to move past that innate self-absorption that kids have. She never quite gets how her strange reactions affect other people, and she never likes to just follow the normal rules of conduct.

She isn't a bad person. I really don't think she's capable of more, without doing some serious work.

Yes she is draining, because you have to do all the adulting in any conversation with her, and you end up going through all of this crap of having your needs not met in the conversation, and then having to be the bigger person and let it go because there is little point in trying to hold a damaged child accountable for not being what you need. Then on top of that you have to find it in you to listen to HER needs, and she never sees what she's doing.

I usually talk to her for about 15 minutes once a week, maybe twice. It's often enough to mess with my day.

I have considered not talking with her at all, just for my own sanity.

[sherlockishere]

Oh, wow, that's a really good insight about her being stuck at the age she was when your dad died. You must have been quite young, then? I didn't realize that you and I both lost our fathers young.

I really do understand what you mean when you say she's really not a bad person. You're description of her reminds me of my brother, Chris, who's 3 years younger than I am. I talked to him for a long time yesterday, something that's usually pretty difficult for me to do. He was just 15 when my dad died, and my mother was a complete narcissist during that time. He meandered into serious drug use, was homeless for a while, and just in terrible shape. He didn't get clean until he was almost 50 years old (He's now 63.) I feel badly about that-- He and I were in Ireland, where I had a business meeting, and afterwards we were going to Scotland. I had invited him, hoping he would have a good time, and I was unaware that he was a heavy drinker/drugger, b/c he hid it so well. But during that trip it became clear that he was absolutely loaded and he was really mean to me, repeatedly. Finally, he got himself thrown off the flight to Scotland by the pilot b/c he was drunk, and he didn't even bother to let me know. So I landed in Edinburgh and then learned he wasn't on the flight. I was absolutely furious, and the next day when he showed up, blaming everyone but himself, I exploded, telling him off. I spent the rest of the vacation alone, and he went back and almost drank himself to death. He wouldn't talk to me for a bout 3 years after that, like not at all. Fortunately, it was his bottom point, and he stopped drinking after that and got treatment. But it was truly an awful time. He's put his life back together more or less-- has been with the same company for many years, and actually got married for the 1st time 5 years ago to a very nice lady. But he seems to me like his brain isn't working well, and I suspect that either all the drinking/drugging or maybe the chronic illness he has is producing some level of dementia. He tends to repeat stories on the phone with me, things he even told me earlier in the conversation, and he seems unaware of that. And his thinking seems very rigid-- like if I tell him that I know something he's "explaining" to me, he just keeps on talking without acknowledging what I've said. I think it's really sad, because I know it has to affect his relationships with other people. Fortunately his wife is a truly good and patient soul, and she seems to be doing ok with it. My other brother, Dean, is oblivious to Chris' difficulties, like completely. Though he avoids spending any time with him at all. I worry about Chris a lot-- he and his wife recently moved to be closer to his daughter, and C seems to be having trouble building relationships in his new town on the Gulf of Mexico. I hate seeing him this way. I'm thinking next summer I should go down there to see their new house and have a quiet conversation with my sister-in-law. I just want her to know that if she needs any help with the situation, I have his best interests at heart.

This is probably WAY too much info about me and my family! But when you write about your sister-- I think about Chris' struggles with life. He can be kind of maddening, but I still can't help but love him and hope for the best for him, you know?

[gottawonder]

My Dad was dying of lung cancer when my Mom was pregnant with me. I think I was two months old when he died. I can't imagine how difficult that was for my Mom.

I spent a few months with friends of the family as a newborn, and I am fairly sure they were open to adopting me if Mom couldn't cope.

I don't know whether or not my sister had a drug problem. She might have, at one time. Mostly it is alcohol, cigarettes, and things like pain killers.

My sister isn't usually mean to me, but she can be insensitive, or often self-centered on her own pain. She can be pretty blunt with people.

She can also be very caring, but don't ask me why it is so inconsistent.

Her issue is also with self-worth, and hoarding. The hoarding has pretty much stopped her options right in their tracks. She would like to move somewhere safer than a crappy trailer in the middle of nowhere, and would like to live closer to her three adult sons. She is weighed down by all of her stuff, because she COULD sell her property (that is worth something because it has a huge, former mechanic's shop on it that someone could use) but cannot walk away from her stuff.

Our whole family has felt her pain deeply. Most of us have tried to help her one time or another, and it doesn't do much in the face of her addictions/compulsions. We always hope for the best too.

I don't get the feeling that she is "repeating herself" when she talks about the issue with my niece. More like she's just still upset about it.

My niece is another person in our family who has issues. More with trust and working through problems. She tends to just cut people out of her life forever for things that aren't really even that big a deal. Things that most people can work through, or learn to accept. She and Trainwreck were on good terms, so it is hard on my sister to be cut out of her life.