Trainwreck. More for me than anyone else.

[gottawonder]

I spoke with my Trainwreck sister today.

We are now in "peak winter" here, and in one of the low temperature weeks. Serious stuff. This is when pipes can freeze, where cars don't start if they aren't in good condition, where every trip out of the house has to be weighed for whether or not it is worth the risk.

Trainwreck lives alone now, in a shitty old trailer in a ghost town. There isn't anyone checking in on her, there isn't anywhere in town where she could drop in for coffee, no gas station, literally only one other occupied house.

She has a water tank, because there is no town water any more. She is trying to ration it because she doesn't want to haul water again until spring.

She is one normal household failure away from not being able to stay in her trailer. If the pipes freeze (common in a trailer) she won't be able to stay. If her furnace goes, or anything else, she won't be able to fix it.

Today she talked about how her tires won't hold air, that she's scared all the time, and that she doesn't feel safe.

She was also saying that she isn't going to have much of a Christmas. Our family chose to have Thanksgiving as our bigger family gathering instead this year, so that means no collective Christmas for her. Her kids don't live that close, and she might not see them.

NOW, here is the other side to the story.

One of her sons has offered for her to live with him. She said no, because she would have to get rid of her stuff.

My Sister E has offered to pay for a small studio type room in our local Lodge (a senior's residence), and she could KEEP her shit, but have a safe place to live. She said no.

She COULD even be applying to live in low income housing in the area, but she's not doing that either, even though she would no longer be on the hook should the hot water tank or the furnace fail, and she would be on town water so no need to haul it, and so on. She would have a safe, warm home in town. But no.

Instead, every day she is so overwhelmed that she won't act. She won't let anyone help her, either. She just tries to sleep all the time so she doesn't have to think about her problems.

She did apparently quit smoking, after her recent serious illness just about killed her (she couldn't breathe).

My whole life, my older sister has been like this. She is like the sound of someone screaming somewhere in the distance, all the time. I am somewhat able to go about my day, but that screaming is there. Sometimes it is more like someone is screaming closer, like in the basement, but I can't help them.

I don't want to cut her out of my life, but what do you do?

Today I was pretty firm with her. I reminded her that she has options, but she just won't do any of them. She has choices, they just aren't the ones she wants. She has been offered help, but if she won't take it, then she is CHOOSING to suffer.

She said she hopes that she just dies, so that she doesn't have to keep living like this.

I responded with "you won't let your family throw away your stuff, but you'd be okay with dying, so that then we would still just throw out your stuff. Why not let us throw out your stuff and you can go LIVE?".

You know what I would like? Is for me to find a better way to deal with this. I have spent my whole life judging her, then moving past judging to pity, to sadness, to helplessness, to just feeling pain every time I think about her.

I hurt thinking about her.

Part of me thinks she likes that I hurt. That's the only way she thinks anyone cares, is if we hurt for her. We'll never be able to just enjoy her company, or be happy for her. We can only hurt.

I would like to move past caring what happens to her. None of this is my fault. I didn't make those choices, I didn't hoard that stuff, I didn't smoke those cigarettes or drink that alcohol or take those pain killers. I shouldn't have to still suffer for those decisions.

I shouldn't have to feel bad for being mostly okay. We take care of ourselves. We have a good income. We are working on our house to make it nice. We take good care of our animals. I feel like we've earned the right to feel good about that, not guilty.

I think it is time for me to stop bearing pain for her.

Comments

[sherlockishere]

I'm so terribly sorry for what you're going through. It just is so unfair, for her to make you witness to her self-imposed suffering. And you are right: You should not have to bear her pain.

This is a trap I think a lot of people with addicted family members struggle with. I struggle with it. You can't help but love the family member who's addicted, but watching them slowly destroy themselves is a horrific experience. And sometimes it's just critical to step away from it, for your own survival.

Your description of hearing her screaming in a distance is so on target that it gave me chills. I know what that sounds like. It sounds like my little brother C, so hapless at such a young age, seemingly unable to stay off drugs long enough to hold a job, even a menial one. It's an awful thing to watch someone you love careen toward eventual death, knowing they won't listen to any basic advice about resources that are available to help.

I wish I could tell you that I figured out a way not to hurt about it. When it was at its worst, during the years he was drinking so dangerously, I seemed to alternate between just not being in contact with him and doing dumb things to try to help-- like cleaning the apartment he shared with his drug-abusing "friends." The filth was overwhelming. I just wanted to do something, anything.

I think you're doing good to remind yourself of the resources you have in your life, resources that you've earned by hard work. When C was doing so terribly, I used to feel like maybe that could happen to me.... like was I one step away from disaster, too? The reality is that we aren't like that, and nothing could make us be that way.

I hope you can take a step back from contact with her, just enough so that you can hurt less, especially in this holiday season. You deserve so much more. HUGS.

[gottawonder]

Thank you for that.

Loving someone like this is so hard. You want better for them, and THEY HAVE OPTIONS, and to hear her say over and over again how her life is hopeless is so frustrating. There are options, they would just require her accepting help or actually doing something for herself. They are uncomfortable, not impossible, and you would think they would be better than her current situation.

I do have to remind myself that I do not have to feel guilty or bad about being okay in life. Members of my family (even beside Trainwreck) will often make little comments about how easy my life is, and it really annoys me. We've made choices and sacrifices to get here, life has NOT always been easy for us, and really, is it THAT easy now? Having enough money to be comfortable doesn't magically erase all of life's challenges, and his job is a huge challenge for both of us, even as it provides us with a good income.

I may not have a "job" but I sure have worked for what we have.

[lantairvlea]

I'm sorry your sister's situation affects you so deeply. She has been given ALL the options and chosen none of them. You have done all you can do, don't feel guilty for her poor choices.

(Trying to catch up again on entries so pardon my late comments.)

[gottawonder]

I find that now that I am older, and in a more "adult" situation, I feel more like I should try to do something for her.

When I was a kid, it bothered me, but you expected HER to be the one who is the adult (she is 12 years older than I). As a young adult, I was never in a position to do much to help her either.

Now, we are doing reasonably well financially, and sometimes you just feel kind of guilty for being okay in the world, and she is not.

Sometimes I can accept that my path, even back when I was younger, had already been different from choices I made. Something as simple as not having kids, for example, or not drinking or smoking.

As I am older, I see more and more that she's not necessarily "okay". That there are a lot of mental health issues and addictions at play for her, which means it is never going to be easy for her to make batter choices. So, you try to help.

I just also need to try to let go of fixing her.

[lantairvlea]

She definitely has mental health issues that are moat likely at the root of her problems, but she has to want the help before she's going to accept it from what you've shared about her. I saw that she at least allowed you to get her new tires for her vehicle, but there is such a list of things she could be doing or could have done and help she could have accepted to make her life easier. I'm frustrated for you!

[gottawonder]

You need to have either a lot of your own money, or a lot of someone else's money, to live in such an isolated place, and it's a lot harder if you are alone.

She can't afford to maintain a property and all the equipment like a snow blower and lawn mower, a truck to haul water and garbage, and a car, that you need out there. We can't give her enough money to be able to maintain it all.

She needs to move to an apartment in town, where all of the maintenance is someone else's job, where she could get groceries by walking if she needed to, and where she wouldn't have to drive on isolated roads alone.

Her hoarding means that she has to let go of her stuff to do that, and not hoard in the apartment. So....well...yeah. She would need to do a lot of inner work for that to happen.

[lantairvlea]

There's always a chance, but it is unlikely she will break her hoarding addiction. I hope she can admit she needs help someday and accept it.

[gottawonder]

Mostly I need to find a way to separate my own feelings from her choices.

[lantairvlea]

I wish you luck with that!