Thursday, December 29
Dec. 30th, 2022 02:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gottawonderToday I am grateful for:
Pleasant weather today.
I talked with Trainwreck today, and again, it felt like what she wanted was for me to join her in her misery, or hurt for her. Yup. Her life sucks. She is bored. She is lonely. She has no sense of purpose. She often doesn't feel well. She could change some of that, if she put in the effort.
She was dredging up all her old pain about failed efforts to own animals, and how her partner (who passed) was "making" her take on all kinds of livestock when they lived on an acreage. Animals to be raised as food, like pigs and chickens and so on. Some horses at one point.
I don't know what she wants from me when she brings up this pain. To hurt me too? To make me hate her? To have my forgiveness?
So, I told her that in the end, she allowed her partner to "force" those animals on her. She could have said no. No one MADE HER own animals. No one MADE HER buy horses to sell for meat.
She started to tell me something, starting with "you really won't want to hear this part" so I stopped her and said "then don't. I don't need to hear it. I'm sure it wasn't a choice I would have made".
This is all stuff that happened over 15 years ago. None of it has anything to do with me. If she feels horrible for her choices, then those are her demons, not mine.
So great. She wants to call me up to help her feel less lonely, and I understand that. You think we could talk about things other than your pain and suffering, and even going back to OLD pain and suffering?
You know what I've been doing? Spending quality time with my Sweetie. Going snow shoeing. Reading. Watching movies. Working with River. Visiting our friends. Taking care of our animals. Listening to new music.
I get lonely too. I have my own pain too. I also keep looking for ways to LIVE. Ways to grow. Ways to find happiness.
I shuffled my ride on River from tomorrow to today, because the "Sunday" rider rode today as well. This works fine because we did not have a riding lesson yesterday (holiday break for R).
I showed up at the barn at the time this other person said she was going to be there, and she showed up well over an hour later. Not fantastic of her.
I did still work with River, as I was planning to do whether or not she showed up. There were obstacles set up, so we worked with those at Liberty (never would have thought I could direct him over a tarp at Liberty, through pool noodles, etc. without using a halter at all). He was really enjoying just standing on the padded mat obstacle (like a gym mat).
When the other rider joined us, I rode with her anyhow. No pressing need to go home. I let my Sweetie know that I would be late.
Riding was fun. Not particularly goal oriented, more social. I did work at the rope gate obstacle some more, giving him lots of time to just stand near it with no pressure, and lots of praise for listening to my cues.
I talked about the movie "The Man From Snowy River", which is a classic for horse people, and very emotional in places. I think it's kind of funny that I literally tear up just talking about it, or listening to the music. I was telling the other rider that I want to use the music from that for a freestyle at some point, if I can do it without crying! She hasn't seen it.
After lots of silliness and talking about potential ideas for freestyle themes and music ("I'm a Barbie Girl" came up. I think that's brilliant), I came home.
We watched "Mr. and Mrs. Smith", with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. A truly fantastic movie.
I learned that if the Earth were 50% bigger, the pull of gravity would mean that we could not use rockets to leave the Earth's atmosphere. There is simply a point where the fuel would weigh too much to move it's own weight to orbit or beyond, much less move a rocket.
https://www.nasa.gov/mission_pages/station/expeditions/expedition30/tryanny.html
Pleasant weather today.
I talked with Trainwreck today, and again, it felt like what she wanted was for me to join her in her misery, or hurt for her. Yup. Her life sucks. She is bored. She is lonely. She has no sense of purpose. She often doesn't feel well. She could change some of that, if she put in the effort.
She was dredging up all her old pain about failed efforts to own animals, and how her partner (who passed) was "making" her take on all kinds of livestock when they lived on an acreage. Animals to be raised as food, like pigs and chickens and so on. Some horses at one point.
I don't know what she wants from me when she brings up this pain. To hurt me too? To make me hate her? To have my forgiveness?
So, I told her that in the end, she allowed her partner to "force" those animals on her. She could have said no. No one MADE HER own animals. No one MADE HER buy horses to sell for meat.
She started to tell me something, starting with "you really won't want to hear this part" so I stopped her and said "then don't. I don't need to hear it. I'm sure it wasn't a choice I would have made".
This is all stuff that happened over 15 years ago. None of it has anything to do with me. If she feels horrible for her choices, then those are her demons, not mine.
So great. She wants to call me up to help her feel less lonely, and I understand that. You think we could talk about things other than your pain and suffering, and even going back to OLD pain and suffering?
You know what I've been doing? Spending quality time with my Sweetie. Going snow shoeing. Reading. Watching movies. Working with River. Visiting our friends. Taking care of our animals. Listening to new music.
I get lonely too. I have my own pain too. I also keep looking for ways to LIVE. Ways to grow. Ways to find happiness.
I shuffled my ride on River from tomorrow to today, because the "Sunday" rider rode today as well. This works fine because we did not have a riding lesson yesterday (holiday break for R).
I showed up at the barn at the time this other person said she was going to be there, and she showed up well over an hour later. Not fantastic of her.
I did still work with River, as I was planning to do whether or not she showed up. There were obstacles set up, so we worked with those at Liberty (never would have thought I could direct him over a tarp at Liberty, through pool noodles, etc. without using a halter at all). He was really enjoying just standing on the padded mat obstacle (like a gym mat).
When the other rider joined us, I rode with her anyhow. No pressing need to go home. I let my Sweetie know that I would be late.
Riding was fun. Not particularly goal oriented, more social. I did work at the rope gate obstacle some more, giving him lots of time to just stand near it with no pressure, and lots of praise for listening to my cues.
I talked about the movie "The Man From Snowy River", which is a classic for horse people, and very emotional in places. I think it's kind of funny that I literally tear up just talking about it, or listening to the music. I was telling the other rider that I want to use the music from that for a freestyle at some point, if I can do it without crying! She hasn't seen it.
After lots of silliness and talking about potential ideas for freestyle themes and music ("I'm a Barbie Girl" came up. I think that's brilliant), I came home.
We watched "Mr. and Mrs. Smith", with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. A truly fantastic movie.
I learned that if the Earth were 50% bigger, the pull of gravity would mean that we could not use rockets to leave the Earth's atmosphere. There is simply a point where the fuel would weigh too much to move it's own weight to orbit or beyond, much less move a rocket.
https://www.nasa.gov/mission_pages/station/expeditions/expedition30/tryanny.html
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Date: 2023-01-09 10:29 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2023-01-12 03:54 am (UTC)