Stress.

[gottawonder]

It seems wrong to write this stuff under my gratitude posts, so I'm writing it separately.

I've been feeling a lot of stress since the beginning of May. One thing after another came along. Not always BAD things, but things that are stressful. Like my husband's parents coming to visit. Then driving home to see my family. Then planning the house move, which becomes cascades of sub-stress, like packing our stuff, finding a sea can for storage, getting permits, talking to the house movers, price negotiations, (my husband has been doing most of the financial negotiations and so on), finding contractors, and on and on.

Then there's been a lot of car repair stuff going on, and while that isn't awful, it's always one more thing to do (pick up a car, take one to the mechanic); we have four vehicles, three of which are very old and do require work regularly. It might seem like a lot of vehicles, but it's cheap to keep the old ones. We need the truck for farm stuff, my sweetie needs his own car because he often works at job sites far from home, I need a car, and we have the old X-Terra which we use as a "float" vehicle if one of the cars is in the shop (you can't ever be without a car if you live in the country).

There's been a lot of vet stuff too, and extra care and disruption of the normal schedule. Again, this is not "bad", but it means keeping track of meds and who is eating what, and odd turnout stuff with the horses, and so on. It shouldn't be like this for long, but for now it IS stressful.

Today, I really snapped at my husband. I drove the car today, partly because I don't know if I've even driven since he's been home, and I got back from visiting family. Close to a month. He always drives, but I'll tell you why. I can't stand how he always has to tell me how to drive.

I felt like I needed to drive, because it was hard for me to learn, I don't have the best confidence, and I was concerned that I might get rusty if I didn't drive sometimes.

I do hate driving with my husband, because he ALWAYS has to tell me how I could have done better. He literally ended up critiquing my driving (and not just a small notation) THREE TIMES within a few blocks when were in town, and once while on the highway. He went on and on about how if I was less worried about other drivers, I could "flow" better with traffic, and so on. I did nothing illegal, but you know, there is always a BETTER way I could have done it.

Now, I didn't learn how to drive until I was over 30, and I have always been a cautious (overly?) driver, and I don't have the cockiness of someone who feels like they are a natural born car driver. I had to earn my license by overcoming great fear and great feelings of not being competent.

From there, I now drive all the time, and have to be independent because my husband often works away from home for long stretches of time. I drive in the winter through snow, through mud in the spring on our back roads, at night, through storms if I have to, and in town. I drive 15 hours across the prairies to visit my family. I will never say I am a great driver, or a super confident driver, nor am I infallible or always right, or anything like that. I am a humble driver who is grateful to be driving at all.

That's why it sucks so much when my husband picks on me. I already know I could be better, but I am the driver that I am.

Part of my whole problem today was that he always critiques my driving, and I was already on edge. I hadn't been driving for awhile, and I was just so self-conscious that I was being watched the whole time.

Since he always gives "suggestions", I end up not trusting my own judgment, so then I'm always second-guessing everything I'm doing, and I'm almost waiting for him to tell me what to do next, so I'm not driving with any fluidity. My confidence is gone before we leave the yard.

I ended up just letting him drive, after blowing up big time, because I had HAD IT!!!! No one can drive with that kind of scrutiny and criticism.

What's worse, is he didn't apologize. Apparently I'm just too sensitive to his guidance. His very valuable guidance.

So, enough of that. I'm very tired, very stressed, and it likely won't let up for most of the summer. I hope we can make it through this.