Being fat.

[gottawonder]

I've had a slow and steady, gradual weight gain for most of my life. I was super skinny in high school, 5'9" and only about 120 pounds. Of course, I was borderline anorexic, but if I wasn't, I probably still would have only weighed about 140.

I was pretty slim and healthy, around 140, for most of my early 20's, and about 160 (what I consider my best weight) until I was about 27.

After that, I jumped to 180, because when we moved to Wyoming, I wasn't working as a janitor anymore, I wasn't biking 10 km a day just for fun, and my now husband and I were eating out a lot. A few more years and I was 200.

I was around 200 for a few more years, and then another jump, which lead me to start being more drastic with my diet, and now I'm back to 200 (and feeling grateful for losing at least SOME weight).

While I ate pretty badly for a while in Wyoming because we were eating out so much, I would have said that once we moved to our current home, I had corrected a fair bit of our bad habits. We ate out a lot less, I cut out a lot of soda, I ate more veggies, but I didn't lose any weight.

Then I became a vegetarian, and I would have said THEN that I was eating better, but I didn't lose any weight.

My recent changes to what I will admit is a pretty frickin' strict eating plan has helped me lose weight, and I'm not really hungry eating this way, but it's tough to admit that this seems to be what it takes for me to be less fat. Literally no junk food, fairly low carbs, and just about nothing processed. It means I really don't snack anymore, unless it's an apple or a bit of trail mix (no chocolate).

Throughout all of my weight changes, I would have said I was reasonably active. I like to walk, be outside, ride my bike, ride my horse, do yard work and I've always done work on the house, sometimes lifted weights, swimming, just active in general, nothing hard core but lots of movement most days, and that goes against the common trope that fat people are lazy.

I've had to do a lot of mental work not to hate myself over the years, and I don't know if it ever really worked. I went from model-skinny to pretty much fat. I remember how much fun it was to try on clothes, because a lot of things looked good on me. I wasn't terrified of looking for swim suits, and I loved wearing shorts. By about 30 I was dressing like a person much older, because I didn't want to wear anything tight or short, I was just going for coverage. After a while, you just give up on looking cute at all, because nothing seems to work.

When I was young and skinny, I don't think I had a problem with fat people in general the way some people do, but I didn't understand how hard it could be for people to lose weight. I did have some of the usual thoughts about very big people; like how could they do that to themselves, and why don't they try exercise? Maybe I still have those thoughts sometimes.

Being pretty big, and not feeling very in control of that number, has made me personally experience the sadness and self-loathing of being fat. I generally hate trying on clothes. One outdoor gear store really makes me hate myself, because they don't have anything larger than a size 16 (which I am at the edge of), and I used to buy stuff there all the time. I still like to do outdoor stuff, but I guess they don't want to be associated with fat women? Their men's clothes go to 2X and sometimes 3X.

I don't like how I look in shorter skirts or shorts, or swim suits.

I spent a lot of time telling myself I could still be attractive at my size, that I was still worth something as a fat person, that could still be part of things. I guess to some degree, the fact that many people seem to be pretty big these days does mean that I don't stand out in a crowd, it's just that you become invisible. Certainly not attractive.

So, after DECADES of me fighting with weight, food, sexuality, trying to find clothes, trying to find peace, I watch this short clip from Joe Rogan: https://youtu.be/vVfSKhIKe1s (you really need to watch this).

I am shocked, and outraged. I don't care if a person's personal sexual preference is a thinner person, but you shouldn't basically talk as if all a woman is valued for is her body, and whether or not YOU would have sex with it!!! These guys talk as if women don't already torture themselves constantly over their appearance. As if they don't have eating disorders trying to control their weight (and they are sometimes still fat because they've damaged their metabolisms). They were DISGUSTED at the idea of a plus sized mannequin wearing athletic clothing.

I WORK OUT!!!!! Don't I deserve clothing in my size? How can I be healthy if I can't be allowed to show my face in a gym?

By the way, my blood pressure and everything else was always in the normal range, so I wasn't unhealthy.

I know there is a part of me that still does judge people by their weight, but you know, that voice shows up a lot less than it used to. Also, I understand that sure, some people are eating a lot of garbage and not exercising, but then there are other people who are working two jobs and have kids and so on, and they are stuck at their desk all day, surrounded by donuts and the junk food their kids insist on eating. Then there are people like me, who are fat but are still reasonably active, and aren't lazy or gluttons.

The pure HATE that one man in that video has for fat women/plus sized models makes me want to scream, because they have no idea what it is like to be fat, and be judged solely for your lack of excess weight.

I personally love plus sized mannequins and models, because they are finally reflecting what women look like in the real world, and women of all sizes and shapes need to be able to find clothing. Okay, fine, we probably SHOULD be looking at the obesity crises, and how to help people lose weight and be healthy, but we do NOT need to make them feel like shit.