Just some thoughts.
Feb. 21st, 2023 09:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gottawonderTalked with Trainwreck, and for once it did not leave me all worked up about her situation, mainly because we talked about other things.
We actually did speak positively about one of our nephews who IS doing well. He is married to a wonderful woman, and they have two kids. They are doing well together, they have a house, jobs, and are working together well as parents and partners. As I think about them, once again one wonders how ONE of us has managed to be pretty functional. I'm sure he still has some issues, and normal life concerns, but he seems to be making a good life for himself. He has managed to maintain relationships with the family, including both of his parents (and seems to have a reasonable approach to their flaws and failings), and makes an effort to keep in touch with family. They hosted a family gathering at their house this past spring.
His two siblings, while not bad people, are not really functional. Both of them are nearly hermits because of issues dealing with people/relationships/authority, are single and I'm not sure if either one of them have ever had an actual relationship (and they're around 40). The one isn't working and lives with his Dad, doing odd jobs and "staying under the radar", the sister does work and is respected there, but it is a dead end job. Both of these siblings have pretty much stopped talking to family, and are in general the kind of people that don't do well with any kind of normal friction between people. Any hint of pressure or normal disagreement then they just cut you off and you'll never see them again. I haven't had a real conversation with either one of them for YEARS (and we all grew up together in the same town and I babysat them).
The only explanation I might have, is that the functional one was a baby when my sister left a very strange, isolated life with her abusive husband, and moved back to be near family and civilization. The other two were older. It is possible that the functional kid was much better socialized.
Then we talked about Sister E and her husband getting ready to move, and Trainwreck was all worked up saying that their adult son "Should be out there helping them".
I actually paused, and said "Should is a judgement word, and we don't know the situation. Maybe E and her husband don't WANT him out there packing and helping them."
Once upon a time I would have been right in there with her, judging that situation and being worked up. You know what? IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.
What a relief it is just to give up on thinking I have to try to control that situation.
Then we talked about how our Uncle M is doing (not well) and Trainwreck once again got all worked up thinking how awful it was that he was declining and would soon need to be in the care home. She was almost just stirring around worrying, thinking there was something to be "done", or that this was a "bad" situation.
I was able to feel a little sad, but I told her we don't need to feel that it is "bad" that he is getting old, or that "we have to do something". He had four grown, competent daughters who are already getting his meds assessed, and are likely already making some arrangements for his care.
So, while it's one thing to mention what is happening, and maybe express some grief, that's all there is to "do" about it.
Once again, a lot of a person's agitation or suffering comes from thinking "WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING, THIS IS AWFUL".
So, maybe this is some of the issues I have suffered in the past. I know I used to be a LOT more like this. This is how I grew up, is having everyone in the family all worked up all the time about what everyone else was doing, and thinking we had to have judgement on their actions and "do" something to stop them, or at least just criticize them night and day and worry about them.
I have somewhat gotten away from that (not entirely), is thinking that my being worried and wanting to control the behavior of others made sense.
I guess it is one thing to be aware of the events in other's lives, and I suppose it is impossible not to have ANY judging thoughts, but to at least let go of the illusion that my judgment MEANS anything.
I can't control what others do, though I could still be willing to help them if they needed it, or talk if they wanted to.
This is also what I need to do more with regards to Trainwreck, is to try to let go of the need to control her in any way, or to think that I can fix her, and not to get worked up about her because it is not my problem.
To do that, but remain compassionate.
Yeah, that sounds easy.
I don't know, there are still times when you can see that people do need to intervene...?
We actually did speak positively about one of our nephews who IS doing well. He is married to a wonderful woman, and they have two kids. They are doing well together, they have a house, jobs, and are working together well as parents and partners. As I think about them, once again one wonders how ONE of us has managed to be pretty functional. I'm sure he still has some issues, and normal life concerns, but he seems to be making a good life for himself. He has managed to maintain relationships with the family, including both of his parents (and seems to have a reasonable approach to their flaws and failings), and makes an effort to keep in touch with family. They hosted a family gathering at their house this past spring.
His two siblings, while not bad people, are not really functional. Both of them are nearly hermits because of issues dealing with people/relationships/authority, are single and I'm not sure if either one of them have ever had an actual relationship (and they're around 40). The one isn't working and lives with his Dad, doing odd jobs and "staying under the radar", the sister does work and is respected there, but it is a dead end job. Both of these siblings have pretty much stopped talking to family, and are in general the kind of people that don't do well with any kind of normal friction between people. Any hint of pressure or normal disagreement then they just cut you off and you'll never see them again. I haven't had a real conversation with either one of them for YEARS (and we all grew up together in the same town and I babysat them).
The only explanation I might have, is that the functional one was a baby when my sister left a very strange, isolated life with her abusive husband, and moved back to be near family and civilization. The other two were older. It is possible that the functional kid was much better socialized.
Then we talked about Sister E and her husband getting ready to move, and Trainwreck was all worked up saying that their adult son "Should be out there helping them".
I actually paused, and said "Should is a judgement word, and we don't know the situation. Maybe E and her husband don't WANT him out there packing and helping them."
Once upon a time I would have been right in there with her, judging that situation and being worked up. You know what? IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.
What a relief it is just to give up on thinking I have to try to control that situation.
Then we talked about how our Uncle M is doing (not well) and Trainwreck once again got all worked up thinking how awful it was that he was declining and would soon need to be in the care home. She was almost just stirring around worrying, thinking there was something to be "done", or that this was a "bad" situation.
I was able to feel a little sad, but I told her we don't need to feel that it is "bad" that he is getting old, or that "we have to do something". He had four grown, competent daughters who are already getting his meds assessed, and are likely already making some arrangements for his care.
So, while it's one thing to mention what is happening, and maybe express some grief, that's all there is to "do" about it.
Once again, a lot of a person's agitation or suffering comes from thinking "WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING, THIS IS AWFUL".
So, maybe this is some of the issues I have suffered in the past. I know I used to be a LOT more like this. This is how I grew up, is having everyone in the family all worked up all the time about what everyone else was doing, and thinking we had to have judgement on their actions and "do" something to stop them, or at least just criticize them night and day and worry about them.
I have somewhat gotten away from that (not entirely), is thinking that my being worried and wanting to control the behavior of others made sense.
I guess it is one thing to be aware of the events in other's lives, and I suppose it is impossible not to have ANY judging thoughts, but to at least let go of the illusion that my judgment MEANS anything.
I can't control what others do, though I could still be willing to help them if they needed it, or talk if they wanted to.
This is also what I need to do more with regards to Trainwreck, is to try to let go of the need to control her in any way, or to think that I can fix her, and not to get worked up about her because it is not my problem.
To do that, but remain compassionate.
Yeah, that sounds easy.
I don't know, there are still times when you can see that people do need to intervene...?
no subject
Date: 2023-02-27 02:41 pm (UTC)