Wednesday, March 1

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

My patient Sweetie.

Warmer temperatures again.

I ended up talking with Trainwreck again, and it was nothing more than the usual BS about how she's "definitely cleaning out the place so she can move" followed by "I can't afford to live anywhere else" and "I'm so tired all the time I can't really get anything done, plus it's too cold. Once it's spring...".

She was upset today because someone had apparently been talking with one of her adult sons about "why was she still living there, you need to get her out of that place". She felt that it was rude, and no one's business, and not her son's job to help her.

I said "well, you keep talking to me about how worried you are about Uncle M and Aunt E, because they aren't really able to take care of themselves safely anymore. You even spoke to their daughters about your concerns. How is that any different than someone in our family talking to your son about their concerns about your living conditions?".

She kind of choked on that for a while.

Then I asked her to just listen to me. I told her that whoever spoke to her son is NOT her enemy. It was a person with a valid point. I told her that her place isn't safe, and the fact that she still doesn't have a working toilet is a health issue, and that is she aware that if anyone called social services, they would likely not allow her to live there until several issues (including the septic) were addressed?

I know that she just wants me to feel awful for her, but more and more it all just pisses me off. She likely COULD manage to keep living there if she made some changes. Like emptying out the huge shop and renting it to someone so that it would be a source of income. Cleaning out her house so it wasn't such a hazard. Getting a room mate who would help her with some of the maintenance and expenses, who would at least be one person who knew if she made it home safely or not.

Once again, I more or less ended our conversation with "you need to focus on moving somewhere else for this summer, end of story".

I'm sure she's getting less and less pleasure out of calling me with her sob story.

Of course, it still pissed me off and affected my day.

I went to see River, we had a lesson today. It was a good lesson. We worked on using the hindquarters yield we've been working on to see if it is improving the roundness and focus in our Liberty circles (it is), went through a pattern together that I might do for a March online show, and did a bit of riding to see if the same hindquarter yield/give at the ribs would improve the quality of our transitions (seems to be helping).

It was nice to go to the barn and remember who I am. I am not my sister. I am myself. I am not her problems and her mental illness. I am the person who has made good choices and managed my life in such a way that I can ACTUALLY ENJOY LIFE.

I came home and had a bath and a nap.

I learned that Brian Cranston and Aaron Paul learned how to actually cook real meth by the DEA in preparation for their roles in "Breaking Bad".

https://screenrant.com/breaking-bad-bryan-cranston-aaron-paul-learned-meth-dea/

Comments

[sherlockishere]

Amen (about you not being your sister). Honestly, I think it's reasonable for her to have to listen to you tell her the truth. Eventually it might decrease her tendency to call you with her story, because she knows she'll have to listen to the truth. Well, it least we can hope it does...

[gottawonder]

What I want, is for her to actually let it sink in how bad things are for her in her current home, and how it is NOT NORMAL to accept things like not having a working toilet.

She downplays her situation (so that you don't call social services, I guess), while at the exact same time telling you how bad her life is. It's a talent. She doesn't make it so bad that it sounds like she needs to leave immediately, but bad enough that, I don't know, you feel sorry for her and maybe try to help her financially?

She does not take responsibility for her choices, because she just sits in her garbage wondering how this happened. She forgets that she chose to stay there, she chooses to keep bringing things home, she chooses not to live in a manageable apartment. She chooses to keep drinking and not go to AA. She is choosing not to treat her hemochromatosis (liver damage causing too much iron in her blood).

If I just listen to her completely without judgement, like the experts say you are supposed to do, she would do...absolutely nothing. I don't know that me "telling her the truth" does anything either except to make her feel bad.

What I want her to see, is that she is CHOOSING to be there.

[ratunderpaper]

You are spot on with the belief that she wants you to listen and to feel awful for her.
That kind of person is not likely to listen to you, because that is not your function, your role to them. You are a sounding board, not a source of advice.

See what I mean about keeping expectations fairly low (with some people)?

[gottawonder]

That's true. I know she sort of makes it seem like she wants help, but she's not going to do anything about any of her issues, so that isn't looking for help.

It's looking for sympathy, I guess, or affirmation that her situation is hopeless.

Yes, I do keep my expectations of my sister pretty low.

[ratunderpaper]

I am keeping all expectations low, and when someone does something good, it's like a trip to the moon on gossamer wings.

We'll see what tomorrow brings - probably nothing, and nothing will be a blessing.

[gottawonder]

Out of curiosity, who are you discussing, why do you have such low expectations of them, and WHAT are your expectations?

Just something really low, like they don't actually poop on your floor?

I feel like if everyone around you is that disappointing, you need to have a meeting.

I have REALLY LOW expectations of Trainwreck, but it vexes me deeply that there is someone in my life that MIGHT poop on my floor.

I have fairly high expectations for R at the barn, and my husband, and at least limited to the work he does on our house: the contractor (my expectations for him as a human being are not that high, outside of him being honest about the house, money, showing up, finishing the work, not attacking me or the animals).

If you are constantly in the presence of people that commit doinkery regularly, or otherwise let you down, why are you bothering with them?

I am alone a lot, but at least I am in good company.

[ratunderpaper]

I'm talking about the expectation that people will do what they say they will (i.e. send a cheque, meet a deadline or attend to a time-sensitive chore), keep to any kind of consistent behaviour (i.e. answer a friendly email in a timely manner), or remember a date (i.e. birthday, memorial).

I don't have anyone around who would drop their trousers and let loose on the floor, though I have heard that this kind of thing happened to others. I was not amused by the story.

The thing about low-to-zero expectations is that doinkery, should it occur, no longer has the added zing of surprise. I expect little from some people who don't mean to be discourteous, but they don't really care if they are by default.

Low-to-zero expectations also give one a bit of energy to get things done when they should be done (providing one can do them alone).

I expect that the bloke who started building his house with his spouse in 1987 will never, ever finish the trim. It is a given that it will never happen. His wife may as well hire someone or do it herself, but I think that by now she has come to like the status quo on some perverse level.