Friday, March 3
Mar. 4th, 2023 01:13 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gottawonderToday I am grateful for:
Very mild weather today.
There are many things in my life to be grateful for. My health, my marriage, the animals, having a nice acreage, and overall reasonable stability.
I struggle often though, with feeling like there are a lot of things that are outside my control, which I suppose is simply the truth about being alive, isn't it.
I have a lot of aging and unwell family, lots getting to very serious stages in life. Some are still making good choices about how to make transitions that support them as they age, others are not. I can't control any of that.
I talked with Sister E today, and they are continuing to make plans about moving off of the acreage. She is looking to sell/rehome the one horse that was mostly bought as a companion animal for the horse that is trained to be ridden. She can board her riding horse with a friend, and at that point will not need the companion animal. She is looking at selling (?) him to a person who drives horses (the horse in question was once broke to drive, not to be ridden) who will work with him and do something with him.
My animals often have health issues, and I can't CONTROL that, I can only treat them and support them, and do what I can to prevent those issues.
My husband's job, which means he is gone a lot, and so many things in my life require him having the desire to act on them, which is tough because HE WORKS ALL THE TIME.
This year, we really do need to replace his little car. We have kept the engine going, but the body of the car is almost crumbling around it. It is time.
That just means that....a lot of money will go to that and not the house.
So, I am getting really angry about the house again, because needing money for a vehicle means that less work will happen on the house.
We have been in this house now since the summer of 2019. Yes, a TON of work has been done on it. My fear is that it stagnates, because it is livable enough. I can function here. I say I a lot, because my husband can ignore almost anything for the four days out of every two weeks that he is home.
He isn't here long enough to miss things like having access to the books that are all in boxes because we haven't got anywhere to put up book shelves. He doesn't really care that we are still in the same tiny bedroom, and that the big bedroom we have is a long way from being ready to live in. He doesn't care about the crappy bathroom we are making due with.
I am back to feeling acutely aware that we have a POTENTIAL amount of space that is greater than the area we are living in, that is unfinished and not being used for anything at all. There are two big rooms on the main floor that could become a big mud room and a big bedroom, that are doing nothing. There is an enormous space in the basement that is supposed to be a rec room with book shelves that is being used to store the wood that should be going in the bedroom floor.
I end up feeling so hopeless, because I CAN'T DO ANYTHING AGAIN.
Very little has happened since the contractor finished up in October. My husband makes a big deal out of him "painting some trim", and the fact that we bought some tile. So in the last four months, that is the sum total of our progress.
Every time I give him a break, he just stops working on it. I have been trying this "not nagging" thing, and look what happens.
Any junk that built up from the contractors is still sitting there. There is an entire utility trailer full of crap that my husband allowed to get snowed in that is just sitting in front of our house waiting for all the snow to melt, which will be in about six weeks. I see it every day. I don't think my husband sees it at all. He is FINE with it being there.
So here we go again.
I'm tired.
I went to see River, and some jerk ran me off the road in front of the driveway of the riding barn.
He was tail gaiting me, and when I had to slow down to turn, he didn't slow down even though I signaled. I ended up half making my turn, and half driving into the ditch.
No, I didn't get a licence plate.
Working with River was good, and I am very grateful to have him and this barn in my life. Far too often it is just about the only thing that keeps me feeling like anything in my life matters.
He did well with our work, he stayed focused and in return, I did my best to be a clear communicator, rewarded him for his try, and ended without over doing anything and with both of us feeling good about the session.
I came home and just napped, because what else can you do.
I learned that in WW2 the US Army issued manuals on how to perform in drag. The performance of plays, dance and song routines with men in drag was considered essential to keeping up morale.
https://www.nationalww2museum.org/war/articles/drag-entertainment-world-war-ii
Very mild weather today.
There are many things in my life to be grateful for. My health, my marriage, the animals, having a nice acreage, and overall reasonable stability.
I struggle often though, with feeling like there are a lot of things that are outside my control, which I suppose is simply the truth about being alive, isn't it.
I have a lot of aging and unwell family, lots getting to very serious stages in life. Some are still making good choices about how to make transitions that support them as they age, others are not. I can't control any of that.
I talked with Sister E today, and they are continuing to make plans about moving off of the acreage. She is looking to sell/rehome the one horse that was mostly bought as a companion animal for the horse that is trained to be ridden. She can board her riding horse with a friend, and at that point will not need the companion animal. She is looking at selling (?) him to a person who drives horses (the horse in question was once broke to drive, not to be ridden) who will work with him and do something with him.
My animals often have health issues, and I can't CONTROL that, I can only treat them and support them, and do what I can to prevent those issues.
My husband's job, which means he is gone a lot, and so many things in my life require him having the desire to act on them, which is tough because HE WORKS ALL THE TIME.
This year, we really do need to replace his little car. We have kept the engine going, but the body of the car is almost crumbling around it. It is time.
That just means that....a lot of money will go to that and not the house.
So, I am getting really angry about the house again, because needing money for a vehicle means that less work will happen on the house.
We have been in this house now since the summer of 2019. Yes, a TON of work has been done on it. My fear is that it stagnates, because it is livable enough. I can function here. I say I a lot, because my husband can ignore almost anything for the four days out of every two weeks that he is home.
He isn't here long enough to miss things like having access to the books that are all in boxes because we haven't got anywhere to put up book shelves. He doesn't really care that we are still in the same tiny bedroom, and that the big bedroom we have is a long way from being ready to live in. He doesn't care about the crappy bathroom we are making due with.
I am back to feeling acutely aware that we have a POTENTIAL amount of space that is greater than the area we are living in, that is unfinished and not being used for anything at all. There are two big rooms on the main floor that could become a big mud room and a big bedroom, that are doing nothing. There is an enormous space in the basement that is supposed to be a rec room with book shelves that is being used to store the wood that should be going in the bedroom floor.
I end up feeling so hopeless, because I CAN'T DO ANYTHING AGAIN.
Very little has happened since the contractor finished up in October. My husband makes a big deal out of him "painting some trim", and the fact that we bought some tile. So in the last four months, that is the sum total of our progress.
Every time I give him a break, he just stops working on it. I have been trying this "not nagging" thing, and look what happens.
Any junk that built up from the contractors is still sitting there. There is an entire utility trailer full of crap that my husband allowed to get snowed in that is just sitting in front of our house waiting for all the snow to melt, which will be in about six weeks. I see it every day. I don't think my husband sees it at all. He is FINE with it being there.
So here we go again.
I'm tired.
I went to see River, and some jerk ran me off the road in front of the driveway of the riding barn.
He was tail gaiting me, and when I had to slow down to turn, he didn't slow down even though I signaled. I ended up half making my turn, and half driving into the ditch.
No, I didn't get a licence plate.
Working with River was good, and I am very grateful to have him and this barn in my life. Far too often it is just about the only thing that keeps me feeling like anything in my life matters.
He did well with our work, he stayed focused and in return, I did my best to be a clear communicator, rewarded him for his try, and ended without over doing anything and with both of us feeling good about the session.
I came home and just napped, because what else can you do.
I learned that in WW2 the US Army issued manuals on how to perform in drag. The performance of plays, dance and song routines with men in drag was considered essential to keeping up morale.
https://www.nationalww2museum.org/war/articles/drag-entertainment-world-war-ii
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Date: 2023-03-05 05:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-03-05 07:05 am (UTC)