Tuesday, May 23
May. 23rd, 2023 01:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gottawonderToday I am grateful for:
Lovely weather today. Warm and sunny.
That my trip to see family went well. The drives both there and back were long and tiring, but I made it.
My Trainwreck sister made it sound like Sister N was not well, but I'm glad I could see it for myself. She got knee surgery last year at this time, and seems to be doing just fine with it. I don't even know what TW was talking about.
Sister N was more lucid than I've seen her in a long time, was awake and dressed when I popped in to visit, and I hadn't even called ahead, and their house looks fine. She is not PERFECT in her mobility, but seems to be in much less pain, had lost weight for the surgery and seems to be keeping it off, and looks better than I've seen her for years.
I wonder why TW would make it sound like she was faring badly, when quite the opposite seems to be true.
Lots of family were talking about what needs to happen with TW this summer, and it sounds like everyone is ready to call social services if she does not move to a safer home this fall. This past winter everyone felt like she was living in a dangerous and unhealthy situation.
I visited Mom twice while I was home, and it's emotionally a lot for me because I never know how many more times I will see her. She was quiet, didn't say a lot, but seemed content. We talked while I worked on a jigsaw puzzle the first time, and my Uncle dropped by too. Mostly we talked about the birds and the squirrels at the feeder.
The second time Mom and I looked through photo albums for a while, and then went out onto the patio with everyone else to listen to music. Mom got to pick a song or two, and really seemed to enjoy them. I recognized them as some of her favorites that were played when I was a kid.
I was happy to see some of the nieces/nephews doing well, and healthy and happy enough over all. There were a few young kids there, which was a lot of fun for everyone.
We had our gathering in Sister N's back yard, which was perfect. Lots of places for people to sit and visit, and a very nice day for it. Sister N is happy to have this event at her place again next year.
I talked with Sister E, who is really thinking about her own future as a person who will one day need help settling her affairs and moving to a facility. It is some time down the road, but she's been doing a lot with her mother in law and looking to the future.
She said her husband who was supposed to be the power of attorney for his mother and help her make decisions ended up doing very little for her, and my sister ended up doing a lot of the decision making and leg work even if her husband signed papers.
Her adult son has pulled away from my Sister E and her husband moving from the acreage to town, and discussions about her husband's health issues, and so on. He says he finds it upsetting that they sold the acreage and need to move, and won't help them or even come out to have one last visit at the acreage. He has been so immature and unwilling to be involved in discussions about aging and health needs, that my sister has come to the conclusion that he will be useless to help her when the time comes.
She wants me to be willing to be the power of attorney if she needs assistance. I am a great deal younger than she is; she could have been my Mom, so I am a better choice than her spouse of one of the older sisters. Even if I don't live that close to her, a lot can be done over the phone and internet, and I could travel if needed for some things.
She wants someone who will help her transition to a care home, to possibly sell her property if she is unable to, and to manage her finances.
I am both honored by this, and a little scared. We have time to talk about what she wants, and she is very willing to work on a will and so on so that there is little ambiguity. This may not be a necessity for some time yet, and I plan to be educated by then about how to go about this.
I spent one day out at the family farm, visiting with a few family members who were staying there for the weekend. Some of us went for a big walk around the farm, which I try to do every time I'm home. When I lived at home I spent a lot of time walking there.
It was a fun walk; I enjoy "young people energy"; they are in their 20's. Walking like that is a good way to talk about how they're doing.
Gatherings like this are almost like "assessing" everyone. How are they doing. Are they having problems, or are they doing well? A certain amount of gossip, but not so much mean-spirited as catching up on events.
I stayed in a reasonably priced motel for the three nights I was there, and it was a great idea. Yes, it costs money, but it wasn't too bad.
I used to just stay with Mom, and her place was nice with a good spare room and I could cook there. Since we sold the house, I had to figure something else out. Staying with most of my family would have been awkward for me because of my odd sleep pattern and I need to eat different food.
I actually got to sleep, which I often don't if it's on someone's couch or a spare room that you still wake up because others get up early.
I got to shower every night in privacy in a very clean bathroom, and there was a television with some free movie channels. I ended up finding a few movies I wanted to see, and they were good.
I ate pretty simply, just microwave oatmeal for breakfast and canned soup, but for a couple of days I could do that just fine.
It was really nice to have my own space. I slept well there.
Overall it was a short, but good trip. There was of course the usual washes of emotion seeing the changes in the older folks and seeing kids all grown up. Issues were discussed where we might all need to be involved.
I walked by my Mom's former home, and it was all tidy, but it looks like no one is living in it right now. Weird to see the front veranda without her benches and baskets of flowers.
I got back in the early morning today, and went straight to bed.
My husband is working in the city today, will come home tonight, and drive back to his work location tomorrow.
He did lots of helpful things while I was away, and we'll catch up on those together when he gets home tonight.
Roxy and the kitties were pretty happy to see me, and I am happy to see them too.
Lovely weather today. Warm and sunny.
That my trip to see family went well. The drives both there and back were long and tiring, but I made it.
My Trainwreck sister made it sound like Sister N was not well, but I'm glad I could see it for myself. She got knee surgery last year at this time, and seems to be doing just fine with it. I don't even know what TW was talking about.
Sister N was more lucid than I've seen her in a long time, was awake and dressed when I popped in to visit, and I hadn't even called ahead, and their house looks fine. She is not PERFECT in her mobility, but seems to be in much less pain, had lost weight for the surgery and seems to be keeping it off, and looks better than I've seen her for years.
I wonder why TW would make it sound like she was faring badly, when quite the opposite seems to be true.
Lots of family were talking about what needs to happen with TW this summer, and it sounds like everyone is ready to call social services if she does not move to a safer home this fall. This past winter everyone felt like she was living in a dangerous and unhealthy situation.
I visited Mom twice while I was home, and it's emotionally a lot for me because I never know how many more times I will see her. She was quiet, didn't say a lot, but seemed content. We talked while I worked on a jigsaw puzzle the first time, and my Uncle dropped by too. Mostly we talked about the birds and the squirrels at the feeder.
The second time Mom and I looked through photo albums for a while, and then went out onto the patio with everyone else to listen to music. Mom got to pick a song or two, and really seemed to enjoy them. I recognized them as some of her favorites that were played when I was a kid.
I was happy to see some of the nieces/nephews doing well, and healthy and happy enough over all. There were a few young kids there, which was a lot of fun for everyone.
We had our gathering in Sister N's back yard, which was perfect. Lots of places for people to sit and visit, and a very nice day for it. Sister N is happy to have this event at her place again next year.
I talked with Sister E, who is really thinking about her own future as a person who will one day need help settling her affairs and moving to a facility. It is some time down the road, but she's been doing a lot with her mother in law and looking to the future.
She said her husband who was supposed to be the power of attorney for his mother and help her make decisions ended up doing very little for her, and my sister ended up doing a lot of the decision making and leg work even if her husband signed papers.
Her adult son has pulled away from my Sister E and her husband moving from the acreage to town, and discussions about her husband's health issues, and so on. He says he finds it upsetting that they sold the acreage and need to move, and won't help them or even come out to have one last visit at the acreage. He has been so immature and unwilling to be involved in discussions about aging and health needs, that my sister has come to the conclusion that he will be useless to help her when the time comes.
She wants me to be willing to be the power of attorney if she needs assistance. I am a great deal younger than she is; she could have been my Mom, so I am a better choice than her spouse of one of the older sisters. Even if I don't live that close to her, a lot can be done over the phone and internet, and I could travel if needed for some things.
She wants someone who will help her transition to a care home, to possibly sell her property if she is unable to, and to manage her finances.
I am both honored by this, and a little scared. We have time to talk about what she wants, and she is very willing to work on a will and so on so that there is little ambiguity. This may not be a necessity for some time yet, and I plan to be educated by then about how to go about this.
I spent one day out at the family farm, visiting with a few family members who were staying there for the weekend. Some of us went for a big walk around the farm, which I try to do every time I'm home. When I lived at home I spent a lot of time walking there.
It was a fun walk; I enjoy "young people energy"; they are in their 20's. Walking like that is a good way to talk about how they're doing.
Gatherings like this are almost like "assessing" everyone. How are they doing. Are they having problems, or are they doing well? A certain amount of gossip, but not so much mean-spirited as catching up on events.
I stayed in a reasonably priced motel for the three nights I was there, and it was a great idea. Yes, it costs money, but it wasn't too bad.
I used to just stay with Mom, and her place was nice with a good spare room and I could cook there. Since we sold the house, I had to figure something else out. Staying with most of my family would have been awkward for me because of my odd sleep pattern and I need to eat different food.
I actually got to sleep, which I often don't if it's on someone's couch or a spare room that you still wake up because others get up early.
I got to shower every night in privacy in a very clean bathroom, and there was a television with some free movie channels. I ended up finding a few movies I wanted to see, and they were good.
I ate pretty simply, just microwave oatmeal for breakfast and canned soup, but for a couple of days I could do that just fine.
It was really nice to have my own space. I slept well there.
Overall it was a short, but good trip. There was of course the usual washes of emotion seeing the changes in the older folks and seeing kids all grown up. Issues were discussed where we might all need to be involved.
I walked by my Mom's former home, and it was all tidy, but it looks like no one is living in it right now. Weird to see the front veranda without her benches and baskets of flowers.
I got back in the early morning today, and went straight to bed.
My husband is working in the city today, will come home tonight, and drive back to his work location tomorrow.
He did lots of helpful things while I was away, and we'll catch up on those together when he gets home tonight.
Roxy and the kitties were pretty happy to see me, and I am happy to see them too.
no subject
Date: 2023-05-24 04:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-05-24 08:05 am (UTC)Staying with other family might not be that easy. At my brother's there were a whole bunch of other people staying there. There wouldn't have been room.
Staying with Sister N might have worked, but the way her place is set up there wouldn't have been much privacy.
Sister L was another option, but I have not been close with her as an adult, and it would have been strange. She also was mentioning that I could stay "for a night".
Trainwreck mentioned that I could have stayed a night here, another night with another sister, but packing up all my stuff every day and going to yet another strange place and trying to figure out how THEY do things every day seemed like way too much stress.
Getting a room may have cost money, but it gave my privacy, some control over my life, and I could actually sleep there very well, which rarely happens for me in strange places.
no subject
Date: 2023-05-24 05:29 am (UTC)I heard familiar music from the 80s on an oldies radio station and realise that I never thought "this day and age" would come. I didn't really think about it.
no subject
Date: 2023-05-24 08:13 am (UTC)Knowing this has changed how I look at much older people like my Mom and my aunt and uncle. Inside, they are still just themselves, wondering how it all got like this now with their bodies letting them down.
It's hard for me to reconcile the people that I knew who were busy, capable adults taking care of their farms and kids, laughing and making jokes and "running to town for something" or playing cards and so on with how things are now.
My Mom has trouble with most simple tasks, doesn't remember much, and can't even work on a simple jigsaw puzzle. I don't expect anything of her, but I find the loss of her abilities and her personality to be pretty awful.
As you say, to imagine this for ourselves is not something one can really even entertain as a thought.
no subject
Date: 2023-05-25 04:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-05-25 07:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-05-25 07:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-05-24 07:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-05-25 03:52 pm (UTC)I wonder if TW presents this picture of others doing badly because it might make her look better in comparison?
no subject
Date: 2023-05-25 07:24 pm (UTC)Before her knee surgery, Sister N really was having a lot of trouble, to the point where we were all wondering if she could continue to live independently. TW helped her more at that point, and one thing I've learned about TW is that she needs to be needed, and seeks out damaged or ill people for that reason.
Sister N has continued to have TW come clean her home, pays her for it, and encourages TW to shower and do laundry at her home, have a proper hot meal, and often to sleep there a few nights a week. Sister N told me that she wants to make sure TW has at least some food and sleep etc.
I think it makes TW feel better getting help from Sister N if she makes it sound like Sister N really needs her help cleaning.