Tuesday, September 5

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

More of the cooler, overcast weather (though it did become rain later in the day).

I talked to our main hay guy, and hopefully he can deliver the bulk of our hay tomorrow. If it rains, we'll have to try again.

At least I feel like the barn is cleaned out of the old hay from last year, and organized and ready for the new hay.

I got the cat litter changed today.

My Sweetie changed the sheets and washed the ones we had on the bed.

I talked to Trainwreck for a while, and through all of her awful drama about her own life and her son's life being more or less in the toilet, I found myself at least able to feel like it just wasn't up to me to try and fix things for them.

In a nutshell, she seems to be firm on keeping her mountain of shit, while "camping" (as she refers to it) at the lodge. I think part of her is embarrassed about needing to live at the lodge (she is about 63) so soon, and this is her way of making it seem like she "doesn't really live there", it's just a "safe place in town if the weather is bad".

That does mean that she will keep driving out there all winter, sleeping there erratically, and it being almost as dangerous as before. It will be all the justification she needs to keep all of her old vehicles, to keep (and yet neglect) the cats that live there, and to keep endangering her life by driving out there likely half drunk. Or very drunk. Or just very ill like she's been, and fall down out there alone, or pass out (she has problems now with low blood oxygen).

The odds of something VERY bad happening to the trailer/hoard go up with no one living there full time, or if she decides to cancel the electricity to it.

As to my nephew (her son), his life is just as bad if not worse in many ways. Right now his reasonably insane wife forced him to go along with buying a small, likely run down house that they still can't afford. It will likely end horribly, but at the same time, they have lived this way for a long time, making one horrible mistake after another, and yet somehow banks, credit cards and so on keep being willing to give them more credit, and it never seems to slow them down. So, what do I know?

She was telling me about how her son's desperate choices were maybe something I couldn't relate too, as "things have never been that bad for you". What she fails to appreciate, is that I HAVE been very poor, yet I tried very hard to live within my means. I didn't own a car much less a house I knew I couldn't afford, I paid cash for everything, I went without a lot of things. I paid my bills first, before everything else.

Even now, my husband and I COULD live a lot "larger" by running up debt, but we don't.

She always thinks that my "perfect" life was just lucky, a total fluke, that it's that we're "rich" (we're not, we're modestly okay, and by God we earned it). She never seems to understand that where we are today is the product of the last 20 some years of working hard, buying the cheapest house that was fundamentally sound and working our butts off to renovate it so we could sell it to buy our current property, then working our butts off for the last 15 years to pay the mortgage and keep it all going.

My husband got a degree, which helped him get a good job, then it was just grind, grind, grind. I stayed home, did yard work, kept moving ahead on house projects, helped him with projects when he was home, and there were some lean times too. I didn't spend the last 20 years smoking, getting blackout drunk and lying in bed all day.

Our luck seems to coincide with just hard work, doing things like driving the same used vehicles for fifteen years, doing as much as we can ourselves, and just on and on.

Luck my ass.

My husband spent the day figuring out how to extend the wooden frame around the front door, since adding a layer of styrofoam insulation and then vinyl siding would mean it would be "sunken in" otherwise.

I went to see River, and he was in a good mood. The cooler weather was in our favor as far as his energy level (which was pretty good).

I changed things up a bit by doing groundwork/Liberty in the round pen before even going to the barn for his usual bucket of mash. He did well with that.

Then by going into the barn and letting him eat, it broke things up a bit.

Then we went into the arena, and I got on him with just the neck rope, and asked for the circle to the right, and he did it well right away (OMG!), so I immediately jumped off and left it at that.

Then I took him BACK to the barn (very close to the arena) and put his saddle on, and rode in the arena again to do our spirals at a trot and a canter.

He seemed a bit more flexible in the one direction today.

So, I did my best to not just grind away on the freestyle pattern (barely worked on it at all, just did that circle to the right) and change things up a bit for him so it isn't so deathly repetitive and boring for him.

I came home, and sat with my Sweetie outside and looked at the work he'd done on the door frame, and we came inside to have supper, and watch more "Schitt's Creek".

I have to say, the way Dan Levy wrote the character of David and his sexuality was fantastic. David is "pansexual" that shifted all the way to being in a committed relationship with a man, without it being a "thing". The show was not about being gay or queer, his character was just gay/queer without it being an issue. Very well done.

I learned about a frivolous political party created by comedian Jacob Haugaard in Denmark, that actually became a REAL political party, with the comedian being elected to a seat in Parliament. The party: Union of Conscientiously Work-Shy Elements.

The comedian's political platform included silly things like and "tail winds for cyclists" and "better Christmas presents", yet when he ended up actually in parliament, he took the job seriously, actually got some of his ridiculous promises made (Nutella in military rations, more bread for ducks in parks, the placing of a public toilet in the park in Aarhus where he spent his state party funding on serving beer and sausages to his voters after each election), and voted conscientiously on other items.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Union_of_Conscientiously_Work-Shy_Elements

Comments

[cf2princessawnw]

That's funny about Denmark and the political party. I think the takeaway, or one of them from your whole entry is you just never know what crazy things can actually end up being something legitimate in life. Or legitimized I guess. I'm sorry to hear about your family's decisions and just everything ugly involved with it all. I appreciate it what you wrote about your own Journey as it reflects a lot of people's I know that look like they're living well now. They all have stories of driving broken down vehicles or barely having anything but working very hard and living a clean life. Many of them have had difficulties, but they've done the best that they could and trusted God to get through it. They worked hard with what they were given the abilities to do. I'm glad if your husband and you can be comfortable at all right now. You certainly an absolutely worked hard enough, and you still do every single day. You're not a workaholic, but your lifestyle is one that you've chosen which demands work every single day. And it's a lot of work! You know I've always admired how you work hard and take care of everything there. And still try to connect with others through your hobbies and enjoyment of them.

I too will never understand how it looks like other people make the worst choices ever, for whatever reasons, and yet seem to get by in life. I try to be very cautious who I talk to about finances and financial choices because most people are all about the debt game. So if I'm living quite poor but don't have debt, they think I'm rich. Anything that comes my way they expect me to turn into debt in order to leverage for greater quote riches. At least that's how it sounds to me from what they say. No, I don't and hopefully never have to I pray, want to take out a loan or whatever on the rental property of inherited. It's the only income I have, and it's going to take a lot of work to manage it given my health issues. If I were healthy it would be a piece of cake. So I'm grateful that at least something I can try hard and maybe make work. I still worry about how it's going to affect food assistance. I may at the end of the day get $900 a month after all the bills are taken out, but that's not until next year that that could happen. And that's not enough to live on 100%. So we'll see. It's hard not to feel the tension and anxiety of what you don't know yet. I truly truly truly truly wish that I could change my heart's perspective to see all of these changes as positive helpful and an adventure forward and faith and happiness. I think having a life partner or even a close friend to walk through it with really helps so you can celebrate the good together. But either way, I really want to start changing how I look at all of this. I have to. Because you have to live life one way the other. And you can live it stressed trying to figure it all out or you can live it as peacefully as you possibly can with joy trying to figure it all out, right?

If any inheritance comes from my uncle's residence sale, my concern is trying to keep it so I can buy a house once I know where in the next few years. I've spent the last year trying to get lawyers to figure that out and they still haven't. But that said. I'm sure there's a ton you didn't know about how to live your lifestyle now and you first started the Endeavor. You're someone who studies and learns, and although your life looks full of work but peaceful at the same time, I know it's through hard work not just physically but mentally in figuring out how to get there. Don't let anyone's life circumstances steal the joy of your victories, because yours were hard fought and hard won. Regardless of whatever anyone else has done or not done to be where they are, their journey is about them. I guess what I'm trying to say is that when you look around and see good in your life don't let other people make you feel bad at all for it. Is it very hard thing to get through stuff in life and then be able to celebrate and say you did a good job! Nobody's perfect, but I hope you can look and see where you have done a great job.

[gottawonder]

Thank you for this kind response. I know it likely took a lot out of you to write it.

I come from a big family of nine kids total, and three of my sisters lived lives where they made some HORRIBLE choices, over and over and over again. I don't mean like, "gee I wish I'd stayed in college". I mean SEVERAL kids all with different fathers, or one of them had her three kids all with one OBVIOUSLY INSANE man, and just...really bad choices. Repeatedly bad choices. Many of them very obviously bad choices, like the ones used as scenarios to scare teenagers in health class obviously bad.

They were older than me, and I just sat there like a kid, watching them, with a "deer in headlight" look on my face the whole time, because at ten years old I could literally see their choices were bad.

This is why it drives me crazy to hear one of them say "how easy" I've got things.

I am well aware that the biggest "good thing" in my life has been my husband. His work ethic has allowed us to have a good income over the years. The thing my sisters forget though, is that in order to be with someone like my husband, you have to have SOMETHING to offer too. To be a useful helpmate, to keep the household running while he works away from home for ten days at a time, make sane decisions, to hold it together in the times where he got laid off and had to make things work until he found work again, to live within a reasonable budget, and so on.

He may have been the main driver financially, but I also did a LOT OF THINGS to keep everything else running. Lots of sweat equity on the house, I supported his work by moving to the United States for seven years, and on and on.

There is a skill set in being a good life partner, and it isn't easy.

I applaud you in your unwillingness to take on debt. So many people fall for the trap of just borrowing more money than they can ever pay back, and seem willing to just make payments on a huge credit card debt or a gigantic mortgage for the rest of their lives.

I think that you are doing a great job of navigating the complicated task of trying to set yourself up for a lifetime income from this rental property, and I agree that it's something you have to be conservative about.

You are SO right about everything being a huge learning curve. We didn't know much about buying a house when we bought our first home, nor did we know a lot about renovations or repairs, but we learned and we did our best. My Sweetie is really good at just about everything to do with building and so on, our challenge is usually either having the time to do it, or having the money.

I know your health challenges make life pretty tough, but you have a good brain in there, and I've seen how much you've been learning already about property management, and lawyers (sigh). I actually think that the skills you've developed from dealing with the health care system in arranging for aides, funding, and so on are probably the kind of skills that will really help navigate the equally complicated and ridiculous webs surrounding property ownership and business expenses/taxes etc.

You know how to be persistent, and you read the fine print. You know how to live on a budget, and how to use the systems in place. You know how to be tough when you negotiate. You know what your needs are, and you manage to adapt (like living in the hotel).

I know you've mentioned how some people think your life is "easier" because you don't have to deal with an employer/workplace, but they don't see how much you have to work just to have someone make sure you can access your window, or to have food you can safely eat. Things they would never understand.

What you said about perspective is something I TRY to do, and so often fail. You are absolutely correct what you say about life not caring about how you feel, it's going to happen anyhow, and you can either dread/hate every moment of it, or try to enjoy the journey.

I am getting pretty tired of the journey of working on our house, but I am happy to live here. I feel both things at the same time. I love being in the country, and very much so having the animals.

I do look forward to having the house more or less finished, and I know that I will be proud of our accomplishment, knowing that we EARNED it.

I think you can be proud of yourself too, because I think that every song you sing, you've earned it. Whatever the outcome of the inheritance, you've really put yourself into trying to build your own life.

Everything good that you have, you have worked for it.

[lantairvlea]

There is some level of luck or being blessed, but I'm all for stacking the deck in one's own favor as much as possible and we are most definitely capable of maming our situation better or worse by our own actions. Fate or luck are not to blame for everything. Some people really seem to prefer being the victim of circumstance rather than creating their reality.

[gottawonder]

Yes, I was trying to figure out how to work it.

We all have OPPORTUNITIES (and challenges), and how we approach them is what makes the difference. No, they are not the SAME opportunities and challenges, but we all have them.

I know her challenges were different than mine, but she could also have done more to seek help; it IS out there. She also did have opportunities that she squandered. There were some pitfalls that she walked right into, with great deliberation, over and over again.

[lantairvlea]

It's hard, if not impossible to help people who intentionally make their own lives harder.

[gottawonder]

Yes, and that's what I have to remember about all of this.

Part of me often feels guilty for being "better off" than my sister and other family, and I have to remind myself that it isn't just "dumb luck", but often a thousand small deliberate choices over the years that led our lives being different.

I have to not feel obligated to help her/them monetarily, or by trying to do things for them, or offer advice that they clearly won't follow. I want to "fix" them, it's a hard thing NOT to do, but unless it is something I can do without much distress or pain for myself, then I have to let it go.

[lantairvlea]

I think you're coming into a much better place dealing with Trainwreck and her son mentally. It takes a lot to get there, especially as a naturally caring person who wants to make things better and as best as you can for those around you.

[gottawonder]

I know we're supposed to have emotional distance from people who live like she does, but it's hard to not feel like someone should be stepping in and DOING SOMETHING when it becomes very obvious that they are no longer capable of taking care of themselves.

Her mental illness is not confirmed. If she had Dementia, some health authority would step in. Whatever she has going on isn't enough to invoke a medical intervention.

So, I am doing my best to see that she has choices, and that I can't force her to do anything, so I don't need to lose sleep over how I "should" be helping her, either.