Monday, October 16

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

My Sweetie went to town by himself to get remaining needed house material, and also picked up the mail and such. He did this in the morning, and was back around lunch time.

YET, I still needed to go to the OTHER town for pottery and groceries today.

He chose to stay at home for the afternoon/evening instead of going to pottery, so he could keep working on the siding. Once again, he is ALMOST DONE. I know. Maddening, right?

I met with a buy/sell person in town to buy several "Post Secret" books, which I find fascinating.

I went to Winner's, and a pair of flats that I have been eyeing were finally on clearance. I thought they were too pricey, and said to myself I would wait to see if they would go on sale, or if they would still be there. They were about half of the price a few weeks ago.

I saw an elderly woman who looked somewhat lost. She was walking very slowly in an area that is kind of a blind turn, very dangerous. She was dressed for the weather, was mostly looking at her phone, and would shuffle a few feet then stand still again, right in an area where traffic turns off a busy road to go into a shopping area.

I was really torn about what to do, if anything. Was she okay? Should she have been there by herself?

I ended up doing nothing, but maybe I should have? It's bothering me.

I went to pottery, and two of my pieces were finished, and I am quite happy with them.

I was in kind of an odd mood, and was joking around with two people who I see there a fair bit, once again the issue stems from how much real friendship is there, and how comfortable can one be with them? I struggle with this edge of friendship, like, can I really talk about personal things with them? Can I really be myself, or do I always have to be a carefully edited, perfectly PC version of me?

I know it's much safer to always be the carefully curated version of myself, but you know, I always feel isolated in this world because other than my husband, there's no one in my life that I can really be myself with anymore. It feels like no one really sees me, because I don't know if I can show myself.

My sense of humor can be a little odd, think Monty Python somewhat (though it's a bit arrogant to think that I am that intellectual or witty), a bit sarcastic, a bit absurd, and I have to be careful with it. Most people just think it's unsettling.

We ended up talking about our "in-laws", and as you all know here, I don't get along with my husband's parents. That's what I ended up talking about, was some of the events that led to me feeling that I didn't want them visiting at our house anymore.

Well, on one hand, I was left wondering if it was oversharing, but on the other hand, the two women ended up saying that given the situations I experienced, it was absolutely fair for me to set some boundaries; the in-laws were rude and were trying to undermine my value.

So, that was good to hear. I know it's only my side of the story, but at least they didn't feel that I was just way too sensitive about it all.

Anyhow, even talking about them dredged up all the feelings again, since in some ways those feelings were never properly put to rest, in that my husband never really understood the dynamics. I do not expect any kind of apology from his parents; I am fine with them just not visiting us at our house anymore. Yet, there is just this unresolved feeling about how they made me feel.

When someone makes you feel unimportant, or perhaps even felt that they looked down on you (which I always felt that they saw me as some trash that their son hooked up with), or do not respect how you live, or just never feel like you're good enough for them, it hurts.

I've had quite a lot of people in my life look at me as poor trash, ugly (that was my whole life at school), unpopular, never really felt valuable growing up, but more as a liability since my Mom had to feed me and she had a lot of trouble making ends meet. A burden. My Mom never SAID I was a burden or a liability, but it's hard not to feel that way as a kid when you know that most of your Mom's stress comes from being a single Mom trying to raise far too many kids. You end up just trying not to make her life harder, and that feeling of trying not to ask for anything stays with you.

If anything, I rarely feel like anyone takes me seriously, as in I might actually be good at something, or be smart, or have a valid point of view.

It's hard to shake that feeling once it's been pounded into you, and when someone like my husband's parents just picks right up where everyone else left off, it's too much.

So, while I wasn't necessarily voicing all of these waves of feeling to the people at pottery, I was certainly feeling them all.

So, then you are wondering if you really needed to be that personal and vulnerable with people who are maybe only sort of your friends.

My emotions catch me off guard at times, and I am not always able to just quell them all down for the sake of appearances.

My husband never seems to have emotions like this. He is mostly just content, and he can be a little happy and a little bit sad or upset, but it's SO MILD compared to the things I feel. I'm sure it's better for us that way, you couldn't have two super emotional people together. Yet, how is anyone so placid, and is it for real? Like, he's not a seething mass of emotional wreckage in there somewhere? Is life really so easy and calm for him all the time?

Anyhow, we talked about lots of other things besides in-laws at pottery. I decorated and glazed a few things, and maybe they can be fired this week.

Then I got groceries, which was pretty straightforward. I am always grateful for the means and ability to get groceries.

I came home, though it was already pretty late, as my pottery/grocery evenings usually are. We watched one episode of "Breaking Bad".

I learned about the SNAP program; the first nuclear power generators created to power future space machines such as the Mars Rover, satellites, and so on (yes, newer ones improved the design, but the idea is the same. The nuclear reactions create heat, which move through metal elements and generate electricity, with no moving parts).

https://youtu.be/vFk6A-IdTV8?si=e5wMG1yimBsBKtw-

https://www.energy.gov/articles/history-nuclear-power-space

Comments

[ratunderpaper]

I've got one of those Post Secret books. I'd like to contribute and send one out, but I can't think of anything particularly interesting or shocking - just unpleasant. Also, the nasty tell-all isn't succinct. I'd have to describe the back story, explain what seething felt like, and then explain the decision to get retribution, then go into detail and chortle at the end.

Nope - that's what NaNoWriMo is for.

[gottawonder]

They're fascinating, and I love the art people come up with for them.

I'm like you in this regard, I am not sure how I would express my "secrets" cleverly and have them mean something to others. I guess that's what's so interesting about these; they manage to convey a great deal of information in a very compact format.

[ratunderpaper]

I've been thinking of "secrets" all evening. I suppose everyone has them, and mine don't stack up as particularly interesting or unique.

My card would read something like MY PARENTS WERE THE ONES WITH SECRETS, SO MINE REALLY JUST BELONG TO THEM.

[gottawonder]

Actually, that is interesting. It implies a lot about your relationship with them, and how open you are.

I actually do have things that would qualify as reasonably interesting secrets. Nothing horrible or sad, just things that I really wouldn't feel like having other people know about me.

A "semi-secret" is that I didn't get my driver's licence until I was almost 30. This is mainly because for some reason, my Mom really didn't encourage me to learn while I was at home, then I moved to a small city where I didn't have the money for a car anyhow, so I biked everywhere.

I know that in big cities, it's not uncommon for people not to drive because public transit is decent, but in the prairies it is a real set back, because sure, you might be able to get around in the town where you live, but then you pretty much can't go home to visit family easily, or go to a bigger city easily, or just even leave town to go to the lake or something.

My now husband was the person who finally helped me to drive, as I had very little experience, and what I had needed all along was a solid year of driving with someone with my learner's to feel comfortable enough to take my test.

People had "tried to teach" me, by thinking that going out in their car two or three times would be enough for me to be confident enough to drive on my own. One person would take my out driving two or three times, then that would be it for their commitment, and a year would go by before some other well-meaning person also figured that all I needed was a drive around town at night when the streets were empty to nail a driver's test.

It was actually WORSE that they did this, because it was in the small city, not out on country roads first or anything, so it was SCARY to just drive with almost no experience with braking or turning or using the signals in different cars each time. It undermined my confidence.

It became the BIG THING that overshadowed my life, because it always came up with every new person I met. It became this huge deal, a real anomaly. Like being a 40 year old virgin.

So, I do drive now, I still don't drive in bigger cities, but I drive.

I wouldn't say it was a dark secret, but I don't really want to ever have to talk about how hard it was for me to get it anymore.

[ratunderpaper]

It's not as simple as that.

Their secrets had nothing at all to do with me or in their relationship with me, but their identity/identities, and in protecting the family per se.

They would be surprised and perhaps saddened to know that I have pieced together that which they had wanted to ignore or to forget.

[gottawonder]

Maybe your postcard could be "You didn't want anyone to know, but I do", something very enigmatic.

[ratunderpaper]

That's a good one!

Maybe mine is about surreptitious hooey hurling, lol.

[lantairvlea]

I haven't heard of the "Post Secret" books before.

I'm sorry you have such a relationship with your in-laws. People can suck.

So far as emotions go, as someone who is not outwardly emotive myself, the emotions can still be powerful and overwhelming, but my expression of them is just quieter. Things have to be REALLY hitting the fan before I show it. I guess my happy/excited emotions tend to be more on-the-sleeve than fear, anger, sadness. Your husband may just be less expressive, but he's most likely still feeling the intensity. There's nothing bad or good about being more or less emotive, both present their challenges.

Chris is a lot "louder" with his expressions than I am and sometimes it feels like that horse meme "only one of you can freak out at a time and it's never your turn" (it is nearly never my turn) and that is its own sort of burden.

[gottawonder]

Overall, I feel that my husband's more stoic approach to life probably works for us, since I am more emotional most of the time.

I have often seen myself in terms of what kind of horse would I be, and I think I would be pretty mare-ish. Maybe not an alpha, but that mare who is only friends with the geldings, who is mostly okay but will pin her ears back and snark if someone pushes her buttons.

[lantairvlea]

It's good to have balance. Being more emotional you probably get him off his duff and acting more than he would naturally and he probably helps keep you grounded.

[gottawonder]

I actually think his motivation levels are more about helping other people than doing work for "himself".

If he lived on his own, he would probably live a very simple life in a small house that needed very little maintenance, just like his Uncle Paul used to live.

What he loves to do (as did his uncle), is to just do lots of helpful things for other people, for free.

Yup. That's what really motivates him.

He's a very nice person, but it can drive me a bit nuts because sometimes it is really hard to get things done at home, but if someone calls him up and says they need help on something, he can be on his way instantly.

I think what I do for him, is just be similar enough to him that we like each other, we have a lot of similar values, but I am different.

I am more artistic, I paint and am interested in going to see art, and learn about it, and he wouldn't have done that on his own. Same with the animals. On his own, he likely would have had a dog. I am interested in horses, goats, cats, and so on.

He would never have gotten a cat on his own, and wasn't super keen on mine when we met, but now he loves having kitties. With the horses, it's not his thing, but I think he has found my interest in them to be interesting to be part of.

For me, I like that he doesn't really need me to be a "wife", to cook, clean, or have kids, or throw parties for his co-workers. He pretty much just lets me do my thing, which is what I need.

Yes, he is good for me (most of the time, when he isn't driving me nuts) emotionally. He is far more level-headed and diplomatic, and better overall with people than I am.

In the end, we generally just enjoy each other's company.

[lantairvlea]

That's a little funny about his motivation being greater for others than himself, but I think a lot of us can be that way, too. More considerate of getting things done for others than for ourselves.

[gottawonder]

People like feeling needed by others; I know he does.

I do my best to also praise him for the work he does at home, as everyone enjoys recognition.

[lantairvlea]

That they do!