Sunday, January 21

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

Getting some sleep, though I had a very "angry" dream.

I dreamed that I was working as a janitor in the school from my home town. It was fine, just doing a job. Then, one of the other janitors dumped their work load on me so they could take some time off, even though I was already working full time. Somehow I was supposed to just do his work too.

Then, Russell Brand (who apparently lived in the school somewhere and worked there) needed me to wash his dog for him, you know, as part of my janitorial duties.

Then, someone else just foisted a quilt onto me, demanding that I do some repairs on it, all part of my "duties" as a janitor.

I just woke up angry at everyone dumping their responsibilities on me. Russell, wash your own damn dog!

When I got up, we did have a bunch of things to do. Of course. Folded laundry, changed the sheets, changed the cat litter, sweeping the floor, my husband took out the compost pail.

We had our usual chores to do.

Then I went to see River, and it felt so wonderful to work with him when it was only -10C give or take, compared to what we've had recently.

He did well on our ground work, I noticed an improvement in him maintaining a good trot and not speeding up or slowing down so much in our Liberty circles.

He did well with our ridden work, doing much better around the pylons (making an even circle around them) and did very nice halts from the canter in each direction.

I don't know if it was because we did a lot more ground work and trotting and maybe that loosened him up? Or if it's because of the warmer weather? He was just more "bendy" today.

I came home, and the first thing my Sweetie said was "you know what, I think it just makes sense to put up drywall in the basement now instead of moving ahead on the bedroom floor".

Does anyone else recall I post I made here a few weeks ago, when we had a good fight over the house progress, and I stated that the next likely thing my husband will do is to just put up drywall in the basement rather than tackle the more complex work, because it's the easiest job we could do right now?

Well, there it is.

So, I just sat there, numb. I can't really do a damn thing about this, can I?

It's NOT PROGRESS to put up the drywall, it's avoidance, pure and simple. It's the office equivalent of making photocopies, or deleting old emails to kill time.

I tried to talk to him about it, saying we need to actually try to finish something we already have half finished, and there are plenty of jobs to pick from. My personal two priorities are the main level wooden floor, and the preparations for installing the wood stove.

He says it just makes more sense to put up the drywall right now. It just MAKES MORE SENSE.

I didn't even bother fighting about it. What would be the point. I have no power or ability to control any of this.


Japan landed a lunar explorer (unmanned) on the moon on January 19.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smart_Lander_for_Investigating_Moon

Comments

[ratunderpaper]

Oh, no.

I had hoped the floor would be done apace, without shenanigans.

[gottawonder]

He is saying that he needs more space in order to work on the floor, because all of it is stored in the basement, and that is where he would be doing the cutting.

Of course we now have things stored in the basement, as well as a huge amount of space taken up by two big piles of drywall.

He is saying that he could put up drywall and free up the space he needs.

I think if we organized some of the stuff down there (it really isn't that much, just all over the place), we could get him the space he needs.

See, he was supposed to be cutting the wood for that floor a few years ago, before we put in the really big spare bedroom and the generous sized bathroom and the big cold room. Now those rooms are built, and there is a lot less available floor space, and I WILL NOT allow him to use the new spare room for storage of any kind, or as a work space, because it is a lovely, finished BEDROOM. NOT A WORK SPACE OR A STORAGE ROOM.

So, if he had done the work when he said he would, there would have been LOTS AND LOTS of space for him to cut the wood. Now there is a lot less, so he's using that as an excuse for not getting the job done.

There is still lots of room, but he's just procrastinating.

[ratunderpaper]

I hope the light bulb will go off, like this: I know! We'll finish that bedroom floor first because it's important to have, as you know, a proper floor. And then I'd like to tackle that wood stove project. In that order. Starting now, this second.

[gottawonder]

Very likely, the order will be: drywall, then the wood stove area, then installing the wood stove, by then about six months will have passed.

Then, because it is summer, we'll be doing outdoor things.

Then, maybe he'll work on the window frames, which are still not done.

Then, maybe, maybe, MAYBE, he will work on the floor.

Truly, the house is just finished enough that we can live in it just fine, and it never seems to bother him that nearly half of the available space is not finished.

He's a good person, he just doesn't focus on anything more than just what he needs to for the day.

[ratunderpaper]

Understood, though it's important to note how much you want a bedroom floor - which sounds like very much. That alone should push the project to the top of the list, and his preferred projects could follow. He is the only one who can do the flooring project unless you hire someone else.

I get it - you can't push someone's agenda, even if they promise to do what they are absolutely not going to do.

[gottawonder]

He doesn't understand the feeling of being helpless that this creates in me.

For him, he can do whatever he wants, when he's ready, so it doesn't feel the same.

For me, as you say, I can't do that work, nor can I hire someone to do it. Thus it just bothers me because I have no control over it.

Right now it looks like he's shifted his focus to the mud room, since more and more it becomes obvious that we do need it to be finished so that we have a utility sink and somewhere to put our jackets and boots and animal stuff.

I don't really object to that, but then I would like the bedroom to be NEXT, but it likely won't be.

[ratunderpaper]

I suppose you can express your strongest wish once again that the bedroom is next and see what happens.

[cf2princessawnw]

Sorry to hear if the Deep frustrations continuing, though you definitely predicted it.

Odd, I had quite a bunch of bad dreams last night as well and I don't usually. Come to think of it a lot of frustration with JM as well lately. Sigh. Anyway, all I can do is wish you better moments until better actual changes happen. That's all I can wish for me here as well. Take care💖

[gottawonder]

I suspect there are lots of Deep Frustrations in my future. It seems to actually be part of being married.

So, it does balance out with good things too. I don't always feel that way, but there are lots of nice things.

The dream I had was odd, in that I don't think that other people have been dumping their responsibility on me that much, so I don't know where it came from. There ARE times though, when I do stop and think "wait, how did this get to be MY job?", and you do wonder how that happens.

Like at the pottery studio, people will get all worked up about "needing to do more cleaning" and there will be a wave of CONCERN over the need to do MORE CLEANING, and I'm just thinking "this is not my problem". Really, that studio is very clean, and I don't know where these panic attacks come from.

Or, R at the riding barn likes to have events, and while it isn't mandatory that you attend, it's kind of....heavily, heavily encouraged. I didn't come up with this event, but somehow now I have to participate in it because R thinks we need an event. So, somehow it has become my job to get cleaned up, wear something nice, bring food, and remember a day, likely get up early (for me) and drive over there to participate in something where lots of small talk and congratulations are in order.

Then there's things like "expectations", such as how your house "should" look, or how your body "should" look, or things you "should" be doing with yourself. Ways you "should" be spending your time, films you "need" to watch, the new phone you "should" have to fit in, whatever. How you "should" have no body hair or "should" wear certain clothes and on and on.

Aside from "what will they think" I don't really need, and didn't ask for any of those things to care about, but I still do waste a certain amount of energy caring about those things. So, how did they "become my job"? They don't have to be my job, if I just decline to participate, but you do pay a social price for that.

There are lots of ways that the world likes to just give you things that you really never wanted or needed. Maybe that's what the dream was about.

[cf2princessawnw]

I suppose everything as they say has its pros and cons. I look to my future as lonely without people or love, and I had to talk through that for myself tonight. I'm okay and I will be okay. I know that now. But one of the pros I guess and being by myself is realizing especially as I need it right now, I should be able to bring back my own decisions stronger before having to interact with the world more that puts all these expectations on you like you said. I did always used to be someone that kind of marched to the beat of my own drum and sometimes inadvertently set the trend without realizing it. But I've changed a lot in the last 8 years and maybe the solitude but more freedom will be a chance to create my own expectations hoping that they're based on my own happiness. I wish you the best with your future, as the way you're looking at it doesn't seem too unattainable and letting go of some of the expectations. As in, you haven't gotten yourself in any real blinds of things that you absolutely had to do or your survival would be at stake. Still though I wish you increased happiness and the days ahead. Even or maybe especially if there are deep frustrations.

[gottawonder]

If it makes sense, I live my life in spite of the deep frustrations.

As in, while I am aware almost every day in some way that the house needs to be finished (just seeing it as it is), and I try to talk to my husband about making progress, I still "go about my day".

There certainly are days where it boils over, and then there are days where it is more like background noise.

There are good parts most days, like being with River, spending time with my animals, painting, etc.

I'm trying not to lower my expectations, because honestly, they're not that high. I'm NOT asking for the Moon here, just to have the house progress as it's supposed to. To lower that expectation would mean just giving up.

[cf2princessawnw]

I think that is good that you can try to live that way given the circumstances. At least your life and your happiness is not stopped, even despite the frustrations. And also you're not giving in or giving up. Wishing you the very best!

[gottawonder]

Well, we all live with frustrations, some that can be resolved, some that cannot.

As I've said, some days are a lot harder, and it all comes crashing down inside of me that I have very little control over the house.

I try to keep doing things that I enjoy, because what else can you do at that point?