Thursday, June 20

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

Though today I really was feeling out of sorts (more on that later), I did still drag myself out there to face the day.

I did all of my regular animal care, and I did more laundry. I did a bit of hand sewing to fix some pants.

I watered the garden while I pulled grass from around the perennials.

I did see some very tiny snakes in the compost pile when I emptied our kitchen waste container, and I think those might be babies (garter snakes have live births, not eggs). The one I picked up to move was like a shoe lace.

When my Sweetie got home, he helped me in the garden for a while, and we watered a few things that the sprinkler doesn't reach.

Then we went to the local gas station to fill up the jerry can for the lawn mower, and went to the little park outside of town. This is a different park from our "usual" one, it is the one I've mentioned before that used to be someone's farm, and they donated it. It still has the little house and some out-buildings, and it feels like walking though the bush to go visit an Aunt and Uncle in 1950.

We took Roxy, and she seemed to do okay with the walking. Not perfect, but okay.

I was in a bad mood yesterday, and I still felt bad today, and I think a lot of it is because my husband is in a potential state of change again with his job. For this past winter, he's still been working for the same company where he's worked for years, but he's been working mostly in the office in the city nearby. That means that for the first time he's worked for this company, he's worked more or less a "normal" 9to5 type job with weekends off.

USUALLY his jobs are at different locations, where he has to live there and come home on "days off". He generally works for ten days, then comes home for four. Those jobs are for however long it takes to build the thing his company is working on. Sometimes it's a power plant, sometimes it's adding storage tanks to an oil refinery, sometimes it's building an electricity generating plant. So, he might work at a location for a year or two, coming home on days off, and getting some vacation time in there.

My husband's role is not quite an office job, and not the actual physical building either. He is called a "co-ordinator", so he helps hire people to do that work, makes sure they have the materials they need, keeps track of their progress and makes reports back to managers. He does lots of other things as they are needed too, like answers people's questions about interpreting the drawings, requesting information from engineers and relaying that back to the craft (that's what you call the teams of welders or builders), and kind of just whatever needs doing. He's in the "field office", and does a lot of walking back and forth between crews.

This business of him working a close to normal job this year has been nice for me, to have him around in case there's an emergency, to have supper with him and talk in person, to sleep together, and just so I'm not so alone.

Well, there are contracts coming up again where he will likely be working away from home again soon, and while this is not unexpected, I've gotten used to him being home more, and I'm not looking forward to things changing again.

There is just a sense of uncertainty for now, as we're not sure where he would be going, or what his schedule of days off would be (some jobs are not ten on, four off, some are awful, where they only let you come home for a few days every month).

I've been feeling tense about that, and also a bit like I'm the one stuck at home just waiting for him all the time. I do know that it's not like he's off on adventures, but sometimes he works in places that I wouldn't mind visiting, but can't really.

None of this is his fault, but I haven't been feeling good about the upset to our lives again, and how little control I feel like I have over any of this (to be fair, I know he doesn't feel like he has a lot of control over where they send him either).

At least I was finally able to figure out why I've been upset, and we talked about it today. It's better than just being randomly angry at everything.

Comments

[cf2princessawnw]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. 💖 Hugs. It's perfectly understandable that you'd feel the way you do, and you're right that voicing it is certainly better than not knowing why. I hope something works out that your husband's able to stay nearby Somehow. And since I know so little about his whole work and understanding all of that kind of thing, am I right in thinking that there's some definite overlap with what his job role would be there and what is needed for him to be doing with your housing projects?

Wishing you the best.

[gottawonder]

There really isn't much choice in this, unless he changes jobs and we're not likely to do that voluntarily.

This is one of those things where I pretty much just have to live with it.

His job simply does require him to work away from home most of the time, and while it isn't comfortable, at the same time this is a good job money-wise.

There is a bit of overlap with the skills needed to work on the house, but not in the hands-on sense. At his job he is not a tradesperson, he doesn't weld or paint or pour concrete or do ground work or anything like that. He sort of makes sure that those people have the information about the project that they need to do their job, and to make sure they have the materials. Then, he follows up on the work they do, makes sure that all the tests and inspections on the work get done, and takes that information back to upper management so they know if the project is on time.

The ability to work with tradespeople does help him work with contractors on the house, but he has taught himself to do a lot of the actual work like carpentry, some electrical stuff (at one point he was considering being an electrician when he first graduated from high school), and most work you'd expect to do on a house.

What he really has, is enough skill to have the confidence to keep building on it and learn whatever he needs to learn for the house.

He's actually quite talented, but doesn't have the journeyman's ticket (kind of like having a diploma) nor the desire to do this kind of work for a living (and he would still work 16 hour days and be away a lot, likely if he did).

I do feel a sense of unease whenever he's changing locations. Often what happens, is when one job ends, he is home for a while, and sometimes he's home for a month or two on a reduced pay scale until the next job. That's nice, but after a while you feel uneasy because he's not working on a job.

Sometimes in that period where he's between actual jobs, he works in the office. That's kind of what this last stretch has been; an interim. The work he's been doing in the office is more or less putting together information that will help his company win more contracts so that there will be another job site to go to.

The feeling of not being okay with being alone comes and goes.

Sometimes I am fine, and it doesn't bother me. Then, at other times it bothers me a lot. I won't lie, this kind of life isn't for the faint of heart.

Yet, sometimes I am annoyed when he comes home for his days off, because as happy as I am to see him, it's like my whole life has to make room for him again, when so much of it is trying to fill my life when he's away. You get used to having the house to yourself, to come and go without checking with him, and it can even feel like you just sort of give up your life a bit because when he's home you have to do things like work on the house or go to the city while he's there.

I won't even say it's all that unusual to live this way. There are hundreds of people in that company, and in many similar companies, that all live this way. There are many oil field workers who move from site to site, lots of seasonal workers who come to Alberta for a while, and go back to Newfoundland in the winter. Truckers who spend weeks away from home at a time.

Military families have it worse, people who work in overseas embassies who have to move from one country to another every couple of years, and so on.

It's not fun, but it's also not that uncommon.

It's also tough to change careers in your late 40's, and walk away from an otherwise okay job that you've had for 15 years and pays better than just about anything else you could do for a living.

[cf2princessawnw]

I can only imagine that indeed it's not for the faint of heart to live like that even though you do say it's not uncommon to have similar Lifestyles. I wonder sometimes how I would be being married and having someone around all the time. I definitely want that closeness and yet I have lived as a single woman for most of my life so I definitely do like being alone. It's that weird mix of you can be by yourself and feel fine or by yourself and feel lonely. But the same can happen in a crowd. You can be with people and not be alone, but feel lonely and other times you don't. I wish you the best with the transitions that may come, and I'm glad you're finding other friends to help fill some of those hours as you do. Hugs

[gottawonder]

I think many couples do find ways to do their own things through the week, maybe they go for a walk by themselves or have hobbies that give them that space.

Even when my husband is "around", he's gone all day at work, or goes and rides his bike, or meets with some of his friends. I go to pottery and have a day in town by myself.

When he is away working in another city, that feels different. It's usually ten days where I don't see him at all, and four days where we are trying to fit in all the things that need doing all at once.

There are just times where you don't want to be alone, and there's nothing you can do about it.

Then there are times when you're fine alone.

Then when he is home, you might be happy hes' home, or it might be annoyance just at some specific moment of him being there, like both of you are trying to do things in the kitchen at the same time, and you've gotten used to having it to yourself, or you want to use the bathroom right away when you get up and he's in there.

Of these, the worst is just when you feel lonely, and you know he is away, OR when something goes wrong like the horse waterer freezes up and you've got to figure something out to get it working again, or find someone else who can help. OR there is a storm and you're scared being alone.

Anyhow, it's also the feeling of not having a choice in the matter that sucks.

[cf2princessawnw]

BIG HUGS