Monday, August 19

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

Good weather. Still kind of dry, the rain we do get is a few drops here, a few drops there. Hot and sunny.

Sister E's MIL did pass away, and now they are planning the service and so on. It's sad, but this is a death of a woman who lived a long life, 99 years.

Spoke with Trainwreck, who somehow is being released from the hospital tomorrow. She sounded good on the phone, sober at least. She says she's quit now, but who knows. She says they didn't find anything to worry about with all of the tests, she's eating and not vomiting, they pumped her full of electrolytes, and now diuretics.

She's going to spend a few days with Sister N, which is kind of a meh choice. Sister N is usually a painkiller addict, sleeps so hard no one can wake her up, and hard to say what she would be able to do to help Trainwreck, other than call 911. Oh well.

I established in speaking with Trainwreck that all three of her sons have been listed as healthcare proxy in the event that she cannot act for herself, it's apparently that two of the three sons must be present to make a decision. Weird.

I checked with one of her sons, and they are aware of that. Up until recently they did not KNOW that they were her healthcare proxies.

Trainwreck thanked me for getting her sons to come get her and take her to the hospital, and I said "there were at least four other people who tried to get you to the hospital first, and you told all of them to go away, what's up with that?" She says she was so out of her mind that she doesn't remember anything, and was extremely confused and not clearly thinking at all.

So, apparently you could call someone an ambulance, and if a person refuses care, the ambulance drivers can't take her, but what about in situations like this where she is clearly very ill and not in her right mind? None of this makes sense, because they MUST sometimes deal with people who are clearly not in their right mind who desperately need care...?

This is why it is so important to know her healthcare proxies.

I spent some time reflecting on how useless everyone was in this situation. Several people tried to get her to go to the hospital, but what did they do, just whisper something to her through her door? No one seems to have even spoken to her sons with any real urgency, just "she's pretty sick right now", which isn't going to do anything.

I literally said to one of her sons "she's going to f*cking be dead in about a day if you don't do something", and that son said to me today when I talked to him that the doctors said she would have died if they hadn't brought her in that night.

What if I hadn't tried to talk to Trainwreck and got her friend John? What if I hadn't bothered to call her son, or if I had spoken less forcefully? She'd just be dead. What if I didn't even make any calls that day, and figured I'd just try tomorrow?

Why was I the only one actually thinking she might really die? Why is everyone so useless, and unable to act effectively?

I went to town for groceries, and I am very grateful for being able to do that.

I wanted to go for a walk but a thunderstorm came along, so when I got home we just had supper and watched some "Justified".

It feels like an incomplete day, because I just didn't really do anything.

Comments

[ratunderpaper]

Hopefully TW's next of kin are aware of whatever is wrong with her and can look for dangerous symptoms the next time they occur.

Is the father of the three sons aware of the situation?

[gottawonder]

Her problem is being an alcoholic, and everyone in our family is aware.

There are three fathers of the three sons, and they are not part of the situation.

Her recent hospitalization was due to a fairly long stretch of harder drinking that may have been paired with damaged organs after years and years of alcoholism. She was barely eating food, vomiting everything up, (so still drinking hard on an empty stomach with almost no water in her body) and this led to a deadly combination of malnutrition and dehydration. She was very confused and was falling a lot, yet was refusing all treatment. She really would have been dead in a day or so if her sons hadn't taken her in, and she was still refusing to go. They threatened to call an ambulance and exercise their power of proxy and have her hauled away against her will, so she went with them.

Doctors tried to help her before, but they can't do much if she wouldn't stop drinking and wouldn't take IV fluids or do any tests, etc. From our conversations, every time she went to the doctor all Trainwreck would do is demand antibiotics for her "flu symptoms".

So she's been on course after course of "planet killer" antibiotics on top of the drinking, with probably a completely empty digestive tract.

I know that every time I've talked to her for about the last year or so, she would say she "had a flu of some kind" because she threw up a lot and always felt tired, so I would say this has been going on a long time and just hit a crisis point this past week where she could have died.

I am not sure if Trainwreck has permanent organ damage from her drinking, likely she does. Going forward, she may do okay for while if she stops drinking and keeps eating and taking whatever she's on for medication.

There is a pretty decent chance that she will start drinking again, and I know that her sons want to move her to where they live so they can "keep an eye on her", but NO ONE will be able to stop her from getting alcohol if she wants it.

I try to let go of feeling personal responsibility or attachment to any outcome with her, but it's hard not to care.

This is how she's been my whole life, and for a while I wasn't that involved in it because she was with her partner, and HE was the one dealing with it, but when he died three years ago, all of a sudden I've been more involved again. I started talking more with her when he died because she was alone and I was worried about her.

She has had problems with pills, she used to smoke heavily until about a year or so ago, drinks, and has a severe hoarding problem. She refuses to get any kind of therapy for the underlying issues, refuses to go to AA or anything similar, and until recently generally won't comply with the doctors, just insists that she's got a flu.

[ratunderpaper]

That's pretty complicated for TW. It is a shame that neither of the three fathers can manage a cordial relationship with her for the family's sake. (Though I am aware that it's a somewhat common circumstance and often no-one's fault.)

[gottawonder]

One of them is dead, the living two fathers have relationships with their corresponding sons, but not so much with Trainwreck.

I'll be honest, if I have a health crisis in ten years or so, I don't know that I would feel like my boyfriend from 35 years ago owed me anything. I probably wouldn't want them involved in making decisions about my health or taking me to the hospital. It's not like those relationships ended with everyone still liking each other, right?

[ratunderpaper]

If one is teetering on the edge of life and death, I can promise you that any gesture of rescue is welcomed - with or without dignity.

I remember ICU nurses talking about the kindness offered by exes when their spouses' lives were in danger. (I'm not talking about a rekindling sort of kindness, but a human decency sort of kindness.)

I was pleased to welcome any or all old or ex-pals to visit when I was there.

[gottawonder]

Yeah, maybe so.

I would find it very weird to have people pop out of the distant past if I were in a health crisis. I would wonder if I were already dead and that was some kind of montage of my subconscious mind's last twitches.

I don't know if I would be ANGRY at an ex if they showed up to see how I was doing in the hospital, but I would wonder why.

I mean, my own "exes" were just boyfriends, not husbands, but once we were over, it was OVER. I mean, I didn't want to see them again.

There are two boyfriends that I guess I could see having a cordial visit with them still, but a few that I wouldn't bother trying.

I guess it's just that with my sister, I don't see asking any of her ex partners to be involved in her current issues. If they still wanted to be friends they could all work that out on their own, and they haven't.

She didn't want rescue from sisters, and resisted it from her sons. Not sure how a distant ex would have helped.

[ratunderpaper]

Totally understandable if people are not on good terms. I can't see the point of forgiving doinks just because of illness or calamity. Some doinks are irredeemable and don't deserve reconciliation of any sort.

What I really would like if in hospital again:

1. Schubert's piano sonatas played quietly - I do not care who arranges this, but NO DOINKS ALLOWED
2. A nice Hockney, Manet, Degas or Nara poster hung somewhere where I can see it (I did think of this twelve years ago, but expected to be back home in two days, not a week)
3. Mungo

[cf2princessawnw]

I hope you can be gentle with yourself as you process a hard day and situation. I'm sure it's such a relief and gratitude that she's out of crisis and alive. But, I'm sorry that that all happened to you too. To have a situation like that happen which kind of numbs you out of your own life for a short while. To realize life and death matters or being handled by a system of people that are incompetent and unaware. As I said before, when situations like that have happened here (not trying to compare but relating in anyway I can), for me at least it's just such a weird Twilight Zone situation. Like how is everyone going about the daily things of life for which the whole purpose is to stay alive and decrease the potential for sorrow and stress.... how is everybody just doing that so much that they're in a hamster wheel of not even paying attention to the dying hamster right outside the wheel. I know there are varying reasons for each of our circumstances, and it's something you could think about for months on end. I'm sorry it took time away from you enough that you felt it that way, but I hope that you were able to process what you needed and can move toward a more complete feeling day tomorrow.

Sending a hug

[gottawonder]

Yes, that's a very good description of how I felt. I had a couple of days where things felt a bit unreal, because if I hadn't bothered to make that call, she would have been dead, and other people in my family were concerned, but they walked away when they should have found a way to get her help.

I know Trainwreck didn't make it easy for anyone, and I take that into consideration, but still....you walk away when someone is delirious and obviously dying?

I felt like that after that one visit home to see Mom that it was so very obvious to me that she needed to be in care and people were "kind of thinking about it". It was urgent for me.

It does shake you up, to see people so oblivious to the real crisis right in front of them.

[cf2princessawnw]

I'm just glad that you're not in that daily. Because it starts to mess with you and warp your own understanding much in the way that it impacted you for those days. For me here I start to see a world that lives like that. And at first it blows my mind, then it shocks me, then it just kind of weirdly numbs you even though you're still shocked, and then after years of it it starts to really mess with you. I don't know if I'm back here on this and I might need years to decide one way or the other, but I start to believe that it's not how much good you do in a relationship, it's how much bad is there. My family has done amazing heartfelt tear-jerking things for me in the past, but it's the level of "insanity producing mind exploding with pain as it's destroyed by trying to understand".... What can't be understood. But someone can be screaming and crying in pain in one room and other people calmly walk by and completely ignore it. And yet they have good standings in the community and with their friends.
I really deeply do worry how many relationships I put up with of different kinds because of having to live through all of that and with all of that on my closest ones with family. All I can hope is that I get the hell out of here, and that by some last miracle it can get out of me wherever I go next. And in a way that keeps me separate from these people forever. Yes there is forgiveness. But even with things with L. In the last few years, I would have never wanted to forgive him if God hadn't told me that was the right thing that I needed to do for me. I feel like I'm past and done was forgiving and forgiving and forgiving people for just obliterating or tossing aside is completely useless what should be valued. Oh I'm valuable and I'm valuable to them. And they are all varying levels of bad behaviors, and some may be able to actually be handled with boundaries. But all of that to say I just know that there's a part of me that's gotten oblivious to the threats around. I'm aware they're there, I can see them better than most people, but there's something that's just not right inside of me anymore because I've tried and tried and tried and tried with the very cells of my bones to change this and I can't get. There's a part of me losing commitment to the motivation and it's a new experience I'm sure I'll get through somehow.

All that to say, no it's not easy here so to speak that you're far away from it all, in some ways it's probably even harder at times. Because of all the ifs and if onlys you were there. But you were still able to make the difference that somebody on Earth needed to make, and even from a distance. Any closer and it would have all been dumped on you, and I'm not sure that you're feeling this way or not. If you're not just disregard it. But as an online friend far away looking in, I'm just really glad that you have your world and your home separate from all of that. Yes you're still connected to some level, but it's not your life and clearly from what some of your other sisters have chosen for theirs and then gotten stuck in, it could have been. So I'm really really grateful for you that it isn't. And I hope that the next time you hear your family in your head doubting something good you did for yourself, been in a kind but very real way you can remind yourself of just that. Hope that came out right. Been up all night unable to sleep for some reason.

[gottawonder]

Yes, that is what it's like for me. Feeling like it's not easy to help people from a distance, but also being grateful for having some space. To live right near Trainwreck would mean being overwhelmed by her needs.

As it is, she takes up far too much space in my life.

I want to address this sentence "But someone can be screaming and crying in pain in one room and other people calmly walk by and completely ignore it. And yet they have good standings in the community and with their friends."

I'm not sure, do you mean yourself? You can be screaming in a room and people ignore you?

Let's think this through. Don't hate me or be angry, I don't understand your situation, but as you bring it up I am trying to offer a perspective.

Well, let's be brutal for a moment. How often are you screaming in pain in another room, and how easy is it to ease your pain? CAN They ease your pain, or is it nearly impossible to help you, beyond getting things for you? How much effort does it require on their part to help you, is it a few moment's work here and there, or would it be hours of work often?

There is a point where people shut down emotionally, because it's too much.

In a more natural world, a woman who had a baby that screamed all the time would do her best to care for that baby, to a point. Then, after maybe a week or something, she might not respond to the crying that much. There would have been nothing to do back then to comfort it if it were very ill. There would simply be a point where the mother had to do less, in order to protect her own health and sanity.

I am not asking this to be cruel, but to understand. If someone could ease your pain in a way that it straightforward, and you do stop screaming afterwards, likely people help, yes?

If you are screaming in pain often, and they try to help but an hour later you're screaming again, they might start ignoring the need.

This is neither to absolve people of their responsibility, and not to judge you in any way, but trying to put it into perspective.

People, good people, can get burned out. This is why you have paid aides helping you, because family can't do that kind of help all the time without compromising their own well being.

As a parallel situation, this is how I feel about Trainwreck. Her problems are like a person screaming in another room, and I often feel like I am the only person who can still hear her, as most of my family has burned out from a lifetime of trying to help her.

Her needs are not simple. They might seem simple "I need money for gas" "I need someone to pick up a mattress I bought, and move it into my place and then throw out the old one for me", "I need someone to talk to me in the middle of the night because I'm lonely and drunk and depressed and I want to die".

If helping her a bit would fix her underlying nature, that would be wonderful. No more screaming. It doesn't though. You could dedicate your whole life to be at her beck and call, and some people have tried doing that, but it won't end the screaming.

So, people distance themselves, and they try to limit their contact with her, and protect themselves. If my sister had aides helping her, that would be fantastic. If she lived in a facility where she couldn't get alcohol and got therapy, it would be amazing.

This last week of her being almost dead has affected me. She put herself in that place, and made it almost impossible for anyone to help her.

It was a window of peace for me while she was in the hospital, knowing that at least while she was there, she wouldn't be drinking or doing other stupid things to herself.

She's out of the hospital today, thinking she's never going to have a drink again because she doesn't want to die, but she's refusing to go to AA or therapy, and ignored the hospital's wishes that she spend this first week with family. She went back to her suite at the lodge, where her alcoholic friends are, and she's very sure that she's going to be able to stay sober.

She called me, and when I realized she was just at her own place instead of with Sister N, I very clearly told her that "if she f*cks up, she's dead". It's just the truth. She nearly died last week, and if she starts drinking again, her weak body will likely fail.

I think people are burned out trying to help her. In part because they've tried to get her to AA and other support, and she won't use those tools. People can't watch her to make sure she's not drinking.

I know that this isn't you, that your pain is different, but the burn out is real. People only have so much to give.

It is not a judgement about you, and not saying that you aren't worth people caring. I'm saying that good people burn out.

[cf2princessawnw]

I'll try to read more when I'm able but I'll respond to this much to say there's a crucial difference between being burned out and having been burned. Clearly you've been burned and so has most of your family that have also consequently been burned out.

"I am not asking this to be cruel, but to understand. If someone could ease your pain in a way that it straightforward, and you do stop screaming afterwards, likely people help, yes?" I don't really want to recount it but no. They would not likely help at all if they were related to me unless they were the kiddos. In a true medical emergency I do not genuinely know if B1 would do a thing. I would have to depend on EMS to break down the door. Mom, it would depend on the moment. I might actually have to defend and explain what I was calling for emergency help And requesting that she would open the door for them So that her door wasn't damaged. other days she would be Off the rails upset that I would even say such a thing could happen in our home that not only would someone not provide first aid when they were trained in it, but that there would even be a squabble over opening the door for emergency care to come. OK enough thinking about that. not something I want to recount, but things that I've been through similarly enough here to know the unfortunate veracity of my making such assertions. I don't say those lightly, And I hate saying it about my own family. Why I feel shame for their actions Or inactions, who knows.

As to why caregivers In society in general are paid because family would burnout, I can understand that to some level. And to be clear, every time I have thought or told anybody about linking my life up with theirs even by being a friend that lived in the same city, I always always mandate that I would have separate independence. Moving out to Dr B T's is a practical test of that. Shoot I've even warned the doctors that I don't want them to burnout On my case. Like medical actual doctors that are fully aware of how complex this is and are still telling me to come there. I'm still warning THEM! My situation is one where I have been warped to not ask for help because I've been rejected so much for simple things. And I don't want to remember that and what it does to you to have to live like that, especially with the different history i've had with these very people.

ALso, keep in mind that old BFF no longer has any caregivers and it's up to her and her husband totally. she's in an electric wheelchair, cannot even stand, and is on a feeding tube. RC is full time caregiver now to SC, Who is basically wheelchair bound. my point is these people can do less than I can, and their family are full time caregivers to them without complaining about burnout. I can think of other family setups That are similar. no one's complaining, instead they work together as a team to do the best they can so that someone ISN'T burnt out. it reserves their relationship and each person's life. Nobody is ignored. No need to met at the expense of someone else's chance to live life. The difference with me is that my family has burned me. I understand that they're burned out and I've explained before why due to my father's situation Traumatizing them and then refusing to get counseling for it, but it is really just hurtful and humiliating when I have to explain to government agencies that no I don't have family support or a backup plan. That's a horrible thing to have to admit and say and how it makes me feel. Anyway. I realize my situation is different than most people's. My brothers were never good caregivers (Not saying that judgmentally just its was never there gift by any means), but they used to at least be my brothers and friends. My family did not treat me the way they are now Until after my father's situation. He was a narcissist, And not The way everyone bandies that word about, But in actual true narcissist. so couple that with his health problems later in life And wrong cultural and religious beliefs Plus my brothers being horrible caregivers, and it messed them up.

only because they're not willing to resolve those emotional and psychological issues of trauma, they act them out toward me. Anyway don't want to think about it more :) hope that answers enough. You know now that's freaking me out as to what's gonna happen with my mom when I leave. Okay should have gone to bed lol but that was my choice to answer this now. I take full responsibility for that! lol Maybe, maybe I can talk to the two of my siblings and tell them that while they may disagree, I can speak in a way that they can't from experience. And that maybe I'm wrong and I pray that maybe I am, but to please look out for mom because once I leave, if there is any chance that B1 has been acting out behaviors toward me that were meant toward dad, she's the 1 that will get it and there won't be anybody else around living in the house and she's not the kind to talk about it. She was faithful to my dad for 40 years of bad treatment so. But she is a fullgrown woman and I need to let go. She wants him in her life more than me And that is clear. yet another painful reality but Better than delusion. Anyway, I can't be the whipping girl forever in this family.

Last thing. and I really need to shut down thinking on this for tonight. I know you're wanting to understand and I know you're dealing with so much there that you can't possibly remember every massive entry i've written about it already explaining all the nuances! LOL! but it is hard to recount. So last thing, Deep down I am terrified of opening up to joining my life with anybody else's because of that very thing. i've been treated so badly by the people I poured my life into, And I've seen friends be horrified and shocked at how I'm treated. more than one has said years ago when we were still closer as a family, that it was so awkward and shocking for them that I needed something so simple and nobody helped me And it was like they all were just blind to my existence. it's abnormal how they behave. And the worst part is that now they blame me for it because they can't handle their own guilt. It makes you question your own worth And even asking or having a right to ask or worse having the right to have a need. That's what it really is it makes you question your right to even have a need even if it's a basic need that your survival depends on. So I'm the last person on the planet That will ever put someone in a knowing position of burnout. But I'm also being more judicious in who I link up with as to whether they know their own personal boundaries and just really know themselves. So few people actually know themselves! So few people are willing to face who they really are. every time someone overextends it comes back to bite me. I don't want that. and I've actually been in situations where I've done without, because I just don't want to deal with it. I can't handle getting rejected one more time for something so basic a stranger would help you. and yes things a stranger would help you with repeatedly unless They were psychologically or emotionally damaged. Anyway. Sorry if it's not answering everything but that's probably all I can handle right now. Sending you a hug

What you're going through is a horrible situation and difficult in every way. I can't imagine what you or my friend AY go through literally trying to save the lives of siblings who are bent on self destruction partly due to their mental illnesses coupled with just bad choices. You're right in that it absolutely does something to you. and I hope you get the support that you need. I'm not saying that you're there or you need it, but in AY's Case it put her whole family in counseling. So take care of yourself. even from a distance this is really heavy.💖

[gottawonder]

I appreciate you taking the time and the emotional energy to respond, I know it isn't easy to say things like this "out loud".

What you say about your family does remind me a bit about my own. I've sat and wondered a lot about who is going to take care of me when I am old, because I can't think of any of the family who might help, of the younger generation.

If I had issues like what you describe, I don't know what care I would have received from my family, or how grudging and stressful it would have been, or how I would have been made to feel for being so dependent, even if that wasn't in my control at all. I can be fairly sure my one brother would NOT have been a caregiver, but it's possible that brother T might have, he's not an uncaring person.

My family at times really seems to CARE, but aren't that good at DOING the things that need doing, and don't seem to do much of anything for someone in an ongoing way. Like, they might do something big now and then like help Trainwreck move her hoard, but I don't know if there is anyone who would really care for someone day in day out for years. Some of them did do a lot for Mom on a regular basis, but there was a weird lack of decisiveness at a few critical points, like they were sort of unable to see the situation for what it was; an actual crisis. It might be more of a lack of effectiveness or recognition of the crisis than a lack of caring.

It's hard to explain. Kind of like how a lot of my family would say they care about me, but never phone me, have never come to visit me, and rarely seem interested in how I am doing when I try to talk about myself. I guess if I called them and seemed REALLY UPSET they would care?

I've had odd experiences though, like needed a place to stay for two weeks in order to plan our wedding. Since we lived in Wyoming then, but wanted our wedding in Canada where family would attend, I needed to be in city X to plan things and buy flowers and so on, but Sister S who lives in city X was not willing to let me stay at her house for more than a few days (I decided to go stay with some friends, who actually seemed happy to have me stay with them), Sister S was unwilling to help me shop (I didn't have a vehicle at my disposal. I ended up planning everything by BIKING all over town), and not once did she or any other member of my family offer to help me look at things, offer advice, or even wanted to share in that stage of planning. Not even my Mom, who was completely incurious (I didn't expect any financial help from her or anyone else, but maybe some show of interest?).

By the time the wedding rolled around, I kind of wondered why we bothered. It was nice to have the family get together, but I ended up feeling like the wedding was for me and my husband, and the family just showed up for themselves.

It was a surreal experience.

Your friend's family sounds amazing, and I'm glad they are able to help each other so they don't burn out.

What you say about not being sure if anyone in your family or even aides would really respond in an emergency, and might even question your decision to call an ambulance or be upset about the commotion is kind of chilling. It's a sobering reality, but in a way I'm glad that you are aware of it. No point in pretending that anyone has your back if they don't.

I hope your Mom is okay too, it does sound like your B1 might be pretty good at taking advantage of her kindness.

"it's abnormal how they behave. And the worst part is that now they blame me for it because they can't handle their own guilt. It makes you question your own worth And even asking or having a right to ask or worse having the right to have a need. That's what it really is it makes you question your right to even have a need even if it's a basic need that your survival depends on".

I feel a real resonance with what you said here. I don't know any more, what was real and what was my impression, but my childhood made me feel like I didn't have the right to have needs either. Mainly because my Mom had no extra energy to give, didn't seem to have the normal motherly affection for me. I've mentioned that I don't even remember her voluntarily hugging me past me being maybe five years old, and she didn't say "I love you". In fact, the only person in my family to offer to say she loved me is Trainwreck, because as much of a mess she is, she does try to express emotions. The other reason I tried not to have needs, is because we never had much money. So if my needs were emotional, they weren't met, and if my needs were material, they weren't going to be met unless they were dire.

As an adult I have struggled with how to appropriately express emotions, I can be easily overwhelmed by how strong my emotions are, have had problems with my feelings easily becoming rage and frustration when I need something and worry about those needs being "a burden" or ignored (e.i. house stuff and my husband). Half the time I don't know how to deal with not knowing how to do something on my own, needing any kind of help, and I struggle with feeling like people might think I'm "not good enough" or worth helping or being friends with me.

Yes, I struggle with pretty much every kind of adult relationship, and have a lot of trouble finding and maintaining friends. I have kind of made up social groups like the people at the barn or at pottery, that are sort of friends, but really, what could I expect of them outside of just being nice to socialize with, within the frameworks of those activities? And, I pay to be part of those groups.

When I was a kid, I felt bad that I needed things to go to school because I never felt like we could afford them. I felt bad every time I broke my glasses or needed a different prescription. After a while, I kind of felt bad for just about everything, for existing, because my existence was a burden. As long as I never needed anything from anyone, I could just go away and be fine. I don't think my Mom tried to make me feel bad, but I did feel that way.

That's not a great way to live, and it's stuck with me. I never feel completely okay having a need, and generally other than my husband, there is still no one that I feel I could actually ask anything of them, and feel like I could count on getting help. Maybe there are some people and I just don't WANT to have to ask for help.

As you say, I too have been rejected or let down by people who should have helped and didn't, and to risk that feeling again is enough that I almost never ask people for help. Sometimes it's almost better just to live with the problem than to be let down again, and still have the problem too. This is ALSO the root of my willingness to help others, because I know what that rejection feels like.

You're right, that most people don't want to know themselves. They THINK they are FANTASTIC people, but most people won't do anything for someone else unless there is absolutely no effort or inconvenience at all. Then, as you said so well, they will also turn right around and create this weird narrative of how X person doesn't deserve any help, to justify their own behavior.

Re Trainwreck, yes it's hard to go through. Caring about an addict is very difficult, and it takes up far too much of my emotional spoons to do so.

At the same time, a lot of my own life outside of her is good, and if I can compartmentalize things, I have stretches where her issues don't ruin my own happiness.

Well, that's a lot for one day, to process. I'm sad that things are like this for you, on top of your health challenges.

Thank you for understanding that I mean no harm, and wanted to better see your situation.