Friday, August 23
Aug. 24th, 2024 01:46 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gottawonderToday I am grateful for:
Warm and sunny today.
Having positive dreams for a change. I dreamed of walking off a cliff by accident, but not losing my head and focusing on a good place to land, which I did, and carried on. It's nice to have a dream where you are capable.
Trainwreck called, just to talk. No drama. I get that being sober means you now have all this time on your hands where you are awake but you're a bit aimless. You aren't trying to figure out how to get money to go buy liquor, or going to get it or talk someone else into buying it for you or trading for it, or whatever it is she does. Then, you aren't sitting around trying to drink, or find people to sit and drink with, and not get too drunk right away, maybe, and then you go "lie down". If you're sober, you're actually awake ALL DAY, with a clear head, and maybe having to deal with not having much to do with your time, and processing where you're at in life, and so on. You're probably a bit self-conscious, not as comfortable just "talking shit" with people because you're actually aware of what you're saying for the first time in a long while, and your "drunk persona" used to be a bit of a shield for your words and actions. People will expect you to be accountable for what you say and do if you're sober. You'll remember it, too.
I don't know how many times Trainwreck would say or do just ridiculous things, and later she would just be like "whatever, I don't remember", and that's the end of it, she wouldn't take responsibility, even though she likely DID remember everything. Stuff that happens when you're drunk "doesn't count" for alcoholics. When you're drunk, you can lie, hit on inappropriate people, sleep with inappropriate people, walk around half naked, steal stuff, say whatever, and just get up the next day and say "that doesn't count, I was drunk".
If you're drunk most of the time..well, you just walk around thinking you're in some kind of state of grace where you are the funniest, most important person in the whole world, whose needs and sorrows have to trump everyone else's needs.
So we talked about the garden, how hot it's been, and house progress stuff.
I snapped some of the beans I picked yesterday, and bagged/froze them. Very few beans compared to most years.
Then I went to the barn, and R and her daughter L were going on a trail ride around the property, and River and I went with them to see how it would go. I don't trail ride River much, it's a confidence thing, and I know that R wants to haul the horses somewhere to go for a longer group ride later this summer.
I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea, though I would love to do it, all at the same time.
River behaved well, though it was very obvious that he wasn't listening to me, he was following the other horses entirely. I guess things would probably be okay as long as those horses didn't freak out.
Well, I am uncertain, but it might still work. Sigh. Funny how fearless I was when I was younger.
I stayed to work with the "new horse" that R is training, during the young woman with health challenges's lesson. His name is Ferrari. He was a bit unsure of me at first, so R counselled me just to do a few exercises to let him feel safe, and he relaxed a lot. He did well with everything, but was a bit sore from having his feet trimmed, so we kept it all low key instead of all the lunging work we did last time. He's a very smart and responsive horse.
My Sweetie came by the barn as we were finishing up, and we more or less drove home following each other.
He had a good climb at the gym, completing a challenging route.
I let everyone out when we got home, and we watched some more "Justified". It certainly doesn't paint a pretty picture of Kentucky.
Warm and sunny today.
Having positive dreams for a change. I dreamed of walking off a cliff by accident, but not losing my head and focusing on a good place to land, which I did, and carried on. It's nice to have a dream where you are capable.
Trainwreck called, just to talk. No drama. I get that being sober means you now have all this time on your hands where you are awake but you're a bit aimless. You aren't trying to figure out how to get money to go buy liquor, or going to get it or talk someone else into buying it for you or trading for it, or whatever it is she does. Then, you aren't sitting around trying to drink, or find people to sit and drink with, and not get too drunk right away, maybe, and then you go "lie down". If you're sober, you're actually awake ALL DAY, with a clear head, and maybe having to deal with not having much to do with your time, and processing where you're at in life, and so on. You're probably a bit self-conscious, not as comfortable just "talking shit" with people because you're actually aware of what you're saying for the first time in a long while, and your "drunk persona" used to be a bit of a shield for your words and actions. People will expect you to be accountable for what you say and do if you're sober. You'll remember it, too.
I don't know how many times Trainwreck would say or do just ridiculous things, and later she would just be like "whatever, I don't remember", and that's the end of it, she wouldn't take responsibility, even though she likely DID remember everything. Stuff that happens when you're drunk "doesn't count" for alcoholics. When you're drunk, you can lie, hit on inappropriate people, sleep with inappropriate people, walk around half naked, steal stuff, say whatever, and just get up the next day and say "that doesn't count, I was drunk".
If you're drunk most of the time..well, you just walk around thinking you're in some kind of state of grace where you are the funniest, most important person in the whole world, whose needs and sorrows have to trump everyone else's needs.
So we talked about the garden, how hot it's been, and house progress stuff.
I snapped some of the beans I picked yesterday, and bagged/froze them. Very few beans compared to most years.
Then I went to the barn, and R and her daughter L were going on a trail ride around the property, and River and I went with them to see how it would go. I don't trail ride River much, it's a confidence thing, and I know that R wants to haul the horses somewhere to go for a longer group ride later this summer.
I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea, though I would love to do it, all at the same time.
River behaved well, though it was very obvious that he wasn't listening to me, he was following the other horses entirely. I guess things would probably be okay as long as those horses didn't freak out.
Well, I am uncertain, but it might still work. Sigh. Funny how fearless I was when I was younger.
I stayed to work with the "new horse" that R is training, during the young woman with health challenges's lesson. His name is Ferrari. He was a bit unsure of me at first, so R counselled me just to do a few exercises to let him feel safe, and he relaxed a lot. He did well with everything, but was a bit sore from having his feet trimmed, so we kept it all low key instead of all the lunging work we did last time. He's a very smart and responsive horse.
My Sweetie came by the barn as we were finishing up, and we more or less drove home following each other.
He had a good climb at the gym, completing a challenging route.
I let everyone out when we got home, and we watched some more "Justified". It certainly doesn't paint a pretty picture of Kentucky.
