Tuesday, September 17
Sep. 18th, 2024 12:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gottawonderToday I am grateful for:
Beautiful weather.
Please don't feel the need to comment on this. It was just a shitty day, and there are no solutions for the issue of everyone being shitty to me. They're going to keep doing it, and I won't be able to stop them from doing it to me.
I woke up still feeling angry and hurt by the events at the pottery studio yesterday. I hate how it makes me feel when people seem to dislike me, want me to leave, and when it feels like something is being taken away from me that I enjoyed.
I enjoyed the freedom of coming to the studio and chatting with a few people before they left, then being free to work on my own as long as I wanted. Now I will have to work earlier in the day, which is hard for me to do, and among a group of people (I don't always enjoy that) and NOT for as long as I want or need to. I will have only a couple of hours (and if I'm only there for three hours, then something like an hour of that time is lost to setting up and cleaning up), then I will have to leave, and I know that if I run late, I will be treated badly by this woman S.
I hate the feeling of being told to leave. That I'm in the way. To get out, you're not wanted here.
I hate the feeling that there is no recourse to her having this class on Monday nights, that it is somehow something SHE just gets to decide, no votes, no discussion, and who cares about me and what I want?
I have had this feeling of being unimportant to people far too many times in my life, and it makes me feel unwanted and discarded.
So that's how I felt today.
I tried to still participate in my own life by going to the garden and tackling the massive amounts of weeds, not really to save the garden plants, as this late in the year they aren't really growing any more. I still left the root vegetables, but pulled up the beans and the tomato plants, as they are done producing.
I got most of one half of the garden fairly cleared, which needed to happen just to have the garden cleaned out for winter, otherwise all the weeds form a thick mat of crap that I would still have to clear off in the spring.
Then my Sweetie got home, a bit earlier than usual. He had picked up some things in town with the truck, but when he pulled into the yard he was backing up to the garage, and to me, it looked like he wasn't being careful about the dog.
So, that turned into a fight, because I got mad at him, and asked him why he kept backing up the truck when the dog was there? I ALWAYS TELL HIM to just stop the vehicle and put the dog in the truck with him so he KNOWS where the dog is.
He turned it into "why didn't you keep the dog with you"? Well, the dog doesn't stay with me when he pulls into the yard, she goes running over there to greet him and doesn't listen to me at all in those moments.
So, he fumed into the house, and I was already upset about yesterday, so having this event with my husband made me feel like utter garbage.
Yet, how bad would it would have been if he'd run over the dog? I AM NOT WRONG that he should have stopped and put her in the truck with him.
I ended up just getting into the car and leaving. When I feel unwanted, all I want to do is just be the one to go away to save everyone the trouble of driving me away from them.
I went to the park down the road, and just sat in the car, wondering how come my life is like this. Why I can't seem to have good interactions with people where I feel valued. Why my husband can't just admit that he's wrong.
Yes, after a while I talked to him, and while he didn't apologize or address the issue of not putting the dog in the truck, he did come and join me at the lake for a walk as a way to try and make amends.
It was an okay walk, but it doesn't really solve my feelings about people just not really valuing me, and doesn't solve my husband's lack of responsibility.
Most of the time, while I want real friendship, I have a tough time believing that it exists other than in the most superficial forms based on proximity or people wanting something from me.
Everything makes me tired, and wanting to "go somewhere else", but I don't know where a person could go that would feel better. People will just be the same wherever I go, and there is nowhere that I could go and be utterly alone that would solve my problems.
Beautiful weather.
Please don't feel the need to comment on this. It was just a shitty day, and there are no solutions for the issue of everyone being shitty to me. They're going to keep doing it, and I won't be able to stop them from doing it to me.
I woke up still feeling angry and hurt by the events at the pottery studio yesterday. I hate how it makes me feel when people seem to dislike me, want me to leave, and when it feels like something is being taken away from me that I enjoyed.
I enjoyed the freedom of coming to the studio and chatting with a few people before they left, then being free to work on my own as long as I wanted. Now I will have to work earlier in the day, which is hard for me to do, and among a group of people (I don't always enjoy that) and NOT for as long as I want or need to. I will have only a couple of hours (and if I'm only there for three hours, then something like an hour of that time is lost to setting up and cleaning up), then I will have to leave, and I know that if I run late, I will be treated badly by this woman S.
I hate the feeling of being told to leave. That I'm in the way. To get out, you're not wanted here.
I hate the feeling that there is no recourse to her having this class on Monday nights, that it is somehow something SHE just gets to decide, no votes, no discussion, and who cares about me and what I want?
I have had this feeling of being unimportant to people far too many times in my life, and it makes me feel unwanted and discarded.
So that's how I felt today.
I tried to still participate in my own life by going to the garden and tackling the massive amounts of weeds, not really to save the garden plants, as this late in the year they aren't really growing any more. I still left the root vegetables, but pulled up the beans and the tomato plants, as they are done producing.
I got most of one half of the garden fairly cleared, which needed to happen just to have the garden cleaned out for winter, otherwise all the weeds form a thick mat of crap that I would still have to clear off in the spring.
Then my Sweetie got home, a bit earlier than usual. He had picked up some things in town with the truck, but when he pulled into the yard he was backing up to the garage, and to me, it looked like he wasn't being careful about the dog.
So, that turned into a fight, because I got mad at him, and asked him why he kept backing up the truck when the dog was there? I ALWAYS TELL HIM to just stop the vehicle and put the dog in the truck with him so he KNOWS where the dog is.
He turned it into "why didn't you keep the dog with you"? Well, the dog doesn't stay with me when he pulls into the yard, she goes running over there to greet him and doesn't listen to me at all in those moments.
So, he fumed into the house, and I was already upset about yesterday, so having this event with my husband made me feel like utter garbage.
Yet, how bad would it would have been if he'd run over the dog? I AM NOT WRONG that he should have stopped and put her in the truck with him.
I ended up just getting into the car and leaving. When I feel unwanted, all I want to do is just be the one to go away to save everyone the trouble of driving me away from them.
I went to the park down the road, and just sat in the car, wondering how come my life is like this. Why I can't seem to have good interactions with people where I feel valued. Why my husband can't just admit that he's wrong.
Yes, after a while I talked to him, and while he didn't apologize or address the issue of not putting the dog in the truck, he did come and join me at the lake for a walk as a way to try and make amends.
It was an okay walk, but it doesn't really solve my feelings about people just not really valuing me, and doesn't solve my husband's lack of responsibility.
Most of the time, while I want real friendship, I have a tough time believing that it exists other than in the most superficial forms based on proximity or people wanting something from me.
Everything makes me tired, and wanting to "go somewhere else", but I don't know where a person could go that would feel better. People will just be the same wherever I go, and there is nowhere that I could go and be utterly alone that would solve my problems.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-20 04:25 am (UTC)I told everyone (especially Virgos, Pisces and Cancerians) to lie low and hide under a rock for several days because of astrological turbulence. The eclipse is making sane people mad and difficult. (I usually don't take this kind of thing too seriously, but, lately I've been hauling out the trebuchet.)
Sorry about the grim stuff.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-20 06:09 am (UTC)I might bring that up at the next meeting.
As to me being in that class, it is generally understood that people must not work in other designated class times, mainly for reasons of overcrowding, which is a bit of a joke since her classes of "beginners" are overcrowded more than the free times are.
The only reason why I worked into her class time, was a misunderstanding. My pottery friend D was under the impression that S was allowing people on Monday to work into the beginner class since she was taking that time away from us. No, we are not being given that option.
That said, I did ask S about this situation for clarity, and when she said that the usual protocol was in place (not working into this other class) I responded by beginning to clean up and put away my stuff. I just didn't get out fast enough for her liking, which I DID ignore.
It is also not my fault that "her students" (minions?) kept asking me for help and it was getting difficult for me to leave. Normally, in other classes, no one would be upset if someone was there and not working anymore, but answering people's questions. I mean, that's just being helpful.
She's very easily threatened. Especially since some of my advice was different from hers.
I'm not a big believer of the astrological thing either, but I had a very "mad" few days.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-20 06:12 pm (UTC)