Wednesday, October 9
Oct. 10th, 2024 12:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gottawonderToday I am grateful for:
Nice weather. Cool. Very dry.
That Sister E texted to see if I had time to talk. I've sort of allowed her some time, to see if she would extend contact to me, since at times it feels like I am the one who does all the work reaching out to people. When I do that, I wonder if they WANT to talk as often as I do, or if I've become annoying. So sometimes I leave people alone for a while, and let them be the ones to call. I think it actually took close to a month for her to do this, and I typically tried to reach her once a week. Hmm.
It sounds like they must be doing fine, since she spent most of the next half hour talking about the horror of the hurricanes, wondering how people are getting their animals out.
Then I mentioned that I needed to detox from talking to Trainwreck all the time (I'm generally happier when I limit my calls to her to maybe one every two or three weeks instead of just about twice a week) because of the sheer pointlessness of talking with her, and the way I end up feeling upset almost every time. Sister E's response was to then proceed to talk about Trainwreck for about an hour, dredging up all kinds of family trauma.
So mostly a phone call that emphasized trauma and pain and suffering. Exactly the emotional burden I needed to go see River.
So yes, as our lesson started, I had a pretty much impossible time motivating him to move out nicely, and it led to instant frustration, even though he was theoretically doing the work.
Here's the thing, at times River is just doing his best to be a good partner, which is to MATCH MY MOOD. That's what horses do. You can't fool them into thinking that you are having a great time and feeling full of zest for life when you really feel like garbage.
Of course that turned into a bit of a conversation with R about that, because she was REALLY trying to get me to be "full of zest" and I couldn't quite muster it.
It was partly because of Sister E's gloomy call, but also just all the stress from Roxy's illness, the drama from pottery class, and not getting enough sleep.
R understood, and we just accepted that I wasn't feeling 100% today, but we managed to work out a lot of the freestyle pattern, and worked in a ridden component that feels right for what I'm doing.
That actually helped a lot, because my mind being all yucky this week has made it hard to put it all together into a flowing pattern, even though I had the PIECES OF IT on the table.
All I really need to do now is go find a few makeup items, make a head for the "snake", and the bigger item is getting a music editing program downloaded and splice the music together from two songs (the two Harry Belafonte songs from "Beetlejuice").
I'll be honest, I am tired of feeling like crap. I'm thinking I feel low energy and somewhat negative probably at least half of the time. Yet, there are always good, valid reasons for feeling that way, it's not usually just "a bad day" (though sometimes it is). Every now and then I have a GREAT day, and I am blown away by how nice that is, and wouldn't life be a different thing all together if that was how most days went? I don't even mean circumstances that cause negative feelings, I means sometimes my mood is great and the circumstances aren't really different. I don't know if it's sleep, or hormones, or what, but I would love to flip a switch and have those days instead of what I usually get.
I came home and my Sweetie was on the phone helping his adult niece with computer programming homework, and I was pretty annoyed that it dragged on and on, so that when he was finished talking with her he pretty much had to go to bed. That call literally ate up my "connect with my husband" time.
I am VERY GRATEFUL that Roxy continues to be comfortable, and eating and pooping well. We are nearly done her medication, and we'll go from there. I am very happy to see her little face, and you can see that she's comfortable.
Nice weather. Cool. Very dry.
That Sister E texted to see if I had time to talk. I've sort of allowed her some time, to see if she would extend contact to me, since at times it feels like I am the one who does all the work reaching out to people. When I do that, I wonder if they WANT to talk as often as I do, or if I've become annoying. So sometimes I leave people alone for a while, and let them be the ones to call. I think it actually took close to a month for her to do this, and I typically tried to reach her once a week. Hmm.
It sounds like they must be doing fine, since she spent most of the next half hour talking about the horror of the hurricanes, wondering how people are getting their animals out.
Then I mentioned that I needed to detox from talking to Trainwreck all the time (I'm generally happier when I limit my calls to her to maybe one every two or three weeks instead of just about twice a week) because of the sheer pointlessness of talking with her, and the way I end up feeling upset almost every time. Sister E's response was to then proceed to talk about Trainwreck for about an hour, dredging up all kinds of family trauma.
So mostly a phone call that emphasized trauma and pain and suffering. Exactly the emotional burden I needed to go see River.
So yes, as our lesson started, I had a pretty much impossible time motivating him to move out nicely, and it led to instant frustration, even though he was theoretically doing the work.
Here's the thing, at times River is just doing his best to be a good partner, which is to MATCH MY MOOD. That's what horses do. You can't fool them into thinking that you are having a great time and feeling full of zest for life when you really feel like garbage.
Of course that turned into a bit of a conversation with R about that, because she was REALLY trying to get me to be "full of zest" and I couldn't quite muster it.
It was partly because of Sister E's gloomy call, but also just all the stress from Roxy's illness, the drama from pottery class, and not getting enough sleep.
R understood, and we just accepted that I wasn't feeling 100% today, but we managed to work out a lot of the freestyle pattern, and worked in a ridden component that feels right for what I'm doing.
That actually helped a lot, because my mind being all yucky this week has made it hard to put it all together into a flowing pattern, even though I had the PIECES OF IT on the table.
All I really need to do now is go find a few makeup items, make a head for the "snake", and the bigger item is getting a music editing program downloaded and splice the music together from two songs (the two Harry Belafonte songs from "Beetlejuice").
I'll be honest, I am tired of feeling like crap. I'm thinking I feel low energy and somewhat negative probably at least half of the time. Yet, there are always good, valid reasons for feeling that way, it's not usually just "a bad day" (though sometimes it is). Every now and then I have a GREAT day, and I am blown away by how nice that is, and wouldn't life be a different thing all together if that was how most days went? I don't even mean circumstances that cause negative feelings, I means sometimes my mood is great and the circumstances aren't really different. I don't know if it's sleep, or hormones, or what, but I would love to flip a switch and have those days instead of what I usually get.
I came home and my Sweetie was on the phone helping his adult niece with computer programming homework, and I was pretty annoyed that it dragged on and on, so that when he was finished talking with her he pretty much had to go to bed. That call literally ate up my "connect with my husband" time.
I am VERY GRATEFUL that Roxy continues to be comfortable, and eating and pooping well. We are nearly done her medication, and we'll go from there. I am very happy to see her little face, and you can see that she's comfortable.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-11 08:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-10-11 09:38 pm (UTC)Winter is just worse overall because of the endless night we get here, and how the weather keeps you inside more.
I already do the "feel good" things like spend time outdoors and get sleep and eat proper food and try to be social and try to do fun things. Sigh.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-13 03:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-10-13 04:15 am (UTC)If you have any specific references I'd be interested in them.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-13 04:51 am (UTC)One thing that does come to mind is if you do try B, make sure to get a methylated version of Vitamin B. huge huge difference that not even most basic doctors know. only specialists and functional medicine seem to.