Friday, October 25
Oct. 26th, 2024 01:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gottawonderToday I am grateful for:
The relief of not needing to worry about preparing for the freestyle. As much as it's fun, it's a lot of mental work.
I don't know why, but I did talk to Trainwreck for a while. I don't think she MEANT to cause me to feel anything, but I often do simply because I find her frustrating, and her choices to be frustrating, and how her horrible choices have poisoned so many people's lives.
She was talking about one of her longer relationships, and how it started with him right away cheating on her...with another one of our sisters. I might have known this once, but I guess it got lost in all the tangled mess that all of her relationships are.
She said it was right at the beginning, that he was "not to blame" because he was mad at her for something, and that our other sister was also "not to blame" because she was "going through something", and in the end she gets it, because she always cheats on people too, because "that's what people do".
I tried asking her where accountability fits into this. For example, if a person is upset at their partner, they TALK ABOUT IT, and either they work something out, or they end the relationship. They don't cheat and try to hurt each other worse, and then use it later to manipulate each other or use it as a free pass for their own cheating.
Why would my other sister be let off the hook? I would probably never speak to her again.
So, I think all of that was lost on Trainwreck, who kept talking and weaving a weird rationalization for all of this bullshit way of life, saying it was all fine in the end because she kept dating him, he helped her take care of her kids (that she never should have had in the first place) and everything was just a way to get by, you know. She never once mentioned love, or hurt. Just that it all worked out in this weird, transactional way where she "got what she needed from him".
She probably thought I meant "holding HIM accountable", but she missed the part about herself being accountable to HERSELF. As in, she allows people to hurt her, and in return she uses them and uses things like their cheating as a way to make them feel bad and take care of her, or forgive her for HER shitty behavior.
It never occurs to her that if SHE COULD ACT LIKE A RESPONSIBLE ADULT and be held accountable for her actions and choices, then she might actually have had relationships that were based on those principles too.
Nope. She feels a LOT more comfortable with all the trading sex for money, holding things over people and using guilt and manipulation, and "keeping score" and all of the sneaky ways a person can avoid just being straight with someone.
So, as I've said, this kind of thinking runs through a fair chunk of my family, and other stuff too.
Is it any wonder that I don't really trust too many people, that I was WAY too comfortable with shitty people when I was younger, and that I had a hard time figuring out how to live without those kind of things in my life? That my only solution was to be ABSOLUTELY STRAIGHT, why I have a DEEP NEED for total, brutal honesty no matter how awful it is, that I can't play ANY kind of "business office mind games" or won't tolerate any kind of "if you scratch my back I'll scratch yours" way of thinking.....why I more or less just don't want anything to do with most people except for on the most arm's length out of my personal life kind of way.
I can't be friends with people unless they are SCRUPULOUSLY trustworthy, honest, and fair. That means I pretty much can't be friends with many people. The moment I sense anything else, I am DONE. On top of that, they pretty much have to be funny in a specific way, atheist is preferred, liberal is preferred, animal lover is preferred, and they have to understand my quirks.
Thus I am fairly lonely, always keeping people mostly out of my life since I don't want it if they don't fit the bill. I don't feel safe otherwise, or I feel slimy from feeling their manipulation, or I feel like I have no reason to be around them.
Sigh.
I spent some time with Wonder before I went to the barn. I only had about half an hour, but I made good use of it. I brought her to the big pasture with her grazing muzzle on, and I just led her around and walked with her. After a while, I let her off the lead line and was able to get her to walk with me at Liberty, and she was fairly relaxed with it today, not leaving whenever she got too worried about being away from her "safe zone" by the gate.
The hope is for her to feel like I am her safe place, and for her to feel calm and relaxed by being with me, and to trust me when I do things with her.
Then I went to see River. It was cool today, and his breathing was good, so he had decent energy.
We rode around the pastures with R on one of her horses, and that was nice.
Then I did a bit of Liberty with River, where we did the draws and circles and such, and he was reasonably responsive and "with" me. This was a bit frustrating in that he wasn't like that at all on the day I was recording the "Beetlejuice" freestyle. On that day he was slow and draggy and disinterested.
I do not know what made today's responsiveness happen, vs. the lack thereof the other day. I wonder if he will ever be responsive when we're recording?
I stayed to be with the young woman with health challenges. She was dressed up as some furry blue creature that is supposed to be a video game character. Mostly her session today was about recording for an online costume class, and learning the current obstacle course (Halloween themed) that is set up in the arena.
I was working with Maverick, getting him some exposure to the obstacles, which he handled very well.
I was FREEZING by the end of it, as I hadn't dressed that warmly, and it got cold very fast after dark.
My Sweetie showed up, and he and I and R all got chatting. It was another uncomfortable conversation, where R was talking about mostly the current environment with gender stuff in schools, and my husband and I were sort of just trying not to validate her too much but also trying not to get into a fight about it.
R seems to be one of those people who are "fine with people doing whatever, as long as I don't have to know about it". WELL, of course that does mean interacting with those people in the real world, and trying to find some way for kids with gender/identity issues to move through the world safely and with respect. R would rather they not do that, I guess. I don't know how she figures that a person can be "different as long as she doesn't have to know about it" and still go to school or live a public life in an authentic way.
Anyhow, so a day of just feeling like I'm playing tennis with people's bullshit, trying to just lob it back into their court where it belongs, but inevitably getting some of it on me.
So we came home, I had a hot bath to warm up, we ate, and watched some "Justified".
The relief of not needing to worry about preparing for the freestyle. As much as it's fun, it's a lot of mental work.
I don't know why, but I did talk to Trainwreck for a while. I don't think she MEANT to cause me to feel anything, but I often do simply because I find her frustrating, and her choices to be frustrating, and how her horrible choices have poisoned so many people's lives.
She was talking about one of her longer relationships, and how it started with him right away cheating on her...with another one of our sisters. I might have known this once, but I guess it got lost in all the tangled mess that all of her relationships are.
She said it was right at the beginning, that he was "not to blame" because he was mad at her for something, and that our other sister was also "not to blame" because she was "going through something", and in the end she gets it, because she always cheats on people too, because "that's what people do".
I tried asking her where accountability fits into this. For example, if a person is upset at their partner, they TALK ABOUT IT, and either they work something out, or they end the relationship. They don't cheat and try to hurt each other worse, and then use it later to manipulate each other or use it as a free pass for their own cheating.
Why would my other sister be let off the hook? I would probably never speak to her again.
So, I think all of that was lost on Trainwreck, who kept talking and weaving a weird rationalization for all of this bullshit way of life, saying it was all fine in the end because she kept dating him, he helped her take care of her kids (that she never should have had in the first place) and everything was just a way to get by, you know. She never once mentioned love, or hurt. Just that it all worked out in this weird, transactional way where she "got what she needed from him".
She probably thought I meant "holding HIM accountable", but she missed the part about herself being accountable to HERSELF. As in, she allows people to hurt her, and in return she uses them and uses things like their cheating as a way to make them feel bad and take care of her, or forgive her for HER shitty behavior.
It never occurs to her that if SHE COULD ACT LIKE A RESPONSIBLE ADULT and be held accountable for her actions and choices, then she might actually have had relationships that were based on those principles too.
Nope. She feels a LOT more comfortable with all the trading sex for money, holding things over people and using guilt and manipulation, and "keeping score" and all of the sneaky ways a person can avoid just being straight with someone.
So, as I've said, this kind of thinking runs through a fair chunk of my family, and other stuff too.
Is it any wonder that I don't really trust too many people, that I was WAY too comfortable with shitty people when I was younger, and that I had a hard time figuring out how to live without those kind of things in my life? That my only solution was to be ABSOLUTELY STRAIGHT, why I have a DEEP NEED for total, brutal honesty no matter how awful it is, that I can't play ANY kind of "business office mind games" or won't tolerate any kind of "if you scratch my back I'll scratch yours" way of thinking.....why I more or less just don't want anything to do with most people except for on the most arm's length out of my personal life kind of way.
I can't be friends with people unless they are SCRUPULOUSLY trustworthy, honest, and fair. That means I pretty much can't be friends with many people. The moment I sense anything else, I am DONE. On top of that, they pretty much have to be funny in a specific way, atheist is preferred, liberal is preferred, animal lover is preferred, and they have to understand my quirks.
Thus I am fairly lonely, always keeping people mostly out of my life since I don't want it if they don't fit the bill. I don't feel safe otherwise, or I feel slimy from feeling their manipulation, or I feel like I have no reason to be around them.
Sigh.
I spent some time with Wonder before I went to the barn. I only had about half an hour, but I made good use of it. I brought her to the big pasture with her grazing muzzle on, and I just led her around and walked with her. After a while, I let her off the lead line and was able to get her to walk with me at Liberty, and she was fairly relaxed with it today, not leaving whenever she got too worried about being away from her "safe zone" by the gate.
The hope is for her to feel like I am her safe place, and for her to feel calm and relaxed by being with me, and to trust me when I do things with her.
Then I went to see River. It was cool today, and his breathing was good, so he had decent energy.
We rode around the pastures with R on one of her horses, and that was nice.
Then I did a bit of Liberty with River, where we did the draws and circles and such, and he was reasonably responsive and "with" me. This was a bit frustrating in that he wasn't like that at all on the day I was recording the "Beetlejuice" freestyle. On that day he was slow and draggy and disinterested.
I do not know what made today's responsiveness happen, vs. the lack thereof the other day. I wonder if he will ever be responsive when we're recording?
I stayed to be with the young woman with health challenges. She was dressed up as some furry blue creature that is supposed to be a video game character. Mostly her session today was about recording for an online costume class, and learning the current obstacle course (Halloween themed) that is set up in the arena.
I was working with Maverick, getting him some exposure to the obstacles, which he handled very well.
I was FREEZING by the end of it, as I hadn't dressed that warmly, and it got cold very fast after dark.
My Sweetie showed up, and he and I and R all got chatting. It was another uncomfortable conversation, where R was talking about mostly the current environment with gender stuff in schools, and my husband and I were sort of just trying not to validate her too much but also trying not to get into a fight about it.
R seems to be one of those people who are "fine with people doing whatever, as long as I don't have to know about it". WELL, of course that does mean interacting with those people in the real world, and trying to find some way for kids with gender/identity issues to move through the world safely and with respect. R would rather they not do that, I guess. I don't know how she figures that a person can be "different as long as she doesn't have to know about it" and still go to school or live a public life in an authentic way.
Anyhow, so a day of just feeling like I'm playing tennis with people's bullshit, trying to just lob it back into their court where it belongs, but inevitably getting some of it on me.
So we came home, I had a hot bath to warm up, we ate, and watched some "Justified".
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Date: 2024-10-27 07:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-10-28 06:56 am (UTC)