Monday, December 9
Dec. 10th, 2024 12:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gottawonderToday I am grateful for:
Still pretty nice weather for this time of year. Mild.
I got up in reasonable time, though I would have liked to have gotten maybe two more hours of sleep.
Trainwreck called at one point, waking me up enough that I didn't fall asleep right away again. I chose not to answer, but the phone IS SITTING RIGHT BESIDE ME.
I dragged myself along anyhow, since I wanted to get to town early enough to buy dogfood and get to pottery in reasonable time.
I let Dandy and Wonder out together first before eating and getting ready so they would have some social time. I got all the hay done at the same time.
Then after I ate, I called Trainwreck back. She did go to the family gathering this past weekend, and to some degree it was all just sad nostalgia. She's very odd about thinking all the time that "everything good is gone now".
I used to go along with all of that misery thinking, since I grew up with many of my sisters thinking that way. At one point, it dawns on you that they were doing that when they were maybe 30, "oh, nothing will be like it was, remember the good old days, THAT was when we were really enjoying life". Well, when was that? That period of time before Dad died? So you're going to mourn for the past your entire life.
Trainwreck always seems to live in the past, even the recent past. She already talks like that about the lodge where she lived a few months ago, and while she was actually there she mourned for her shitty trailer that she said she hated the whole time she lived there. When she lived at the shitty trailer, she mourned for the acreage she and her partner rented years ago.
So, she was mourning for the fact that one of our brothers, recently separated from his wife, is moving. He had a family gathering at his place for the last several years, and Trainwreck was mourning the loss of that family gathering opportunity.
I said, well, if you guys want, why not get together the same weekend somewhere else? Get together and rent a cabin at a lake, or just spend the day somewhere nice like a campground or rent a space at a community center? If you want to get together nothing is stopping you, even if it isn't the same.
She's sad that our Uncle M is moving to the same care home as our Mom (he is her brother, too). It IS sad that he's getting old and needs help, but is it sad that he's moving into the same nice care home as his sister, and he'll be taken care of, and give his poor, tired family a break? Is his aging a surprise to her?
She really hates all change, and can't cope with people getting older, or people moving away, or...anything.
It sounds like my Brother T and his wife are thinking about selling our family farm soon. This one will be hard on everyone, as we all grew up there and it's a place we all love very dearly. I don't know why it was never on the table for anyone else in our family to take it over, it really didn't seem like T wanted any of the other nieces or nephews to try their hand at farming. One or two of them might have made good farmers.
T's son is NOT a farmer, and so there is no succession.
So of course Trainwreck is angry and upset about that too, but really, what is there to be done about it? No one else has the money to buy it, or the desire to farm it, or to live out there in the boonies.
I think her reactions to life are due to a complete lack of emotional regulation on her part. She's stuck at the maturity level of maybe a 12 year old.
Also, I think that when you're drunk all the time, and always worried about your addiction (it takes up a lot of mental space, I imagine, thinking about how you're going to get more money for alcohol, going somewhere to get it, trying to hide the water bottle full of vodka or whatever, always wondering if you "seem drunk", and then trying to get a few necessary things done that day so you can go home and black out if you don't die driving home), you aren't paying attention.
You aren't really aware of the passing of time, people getting older, kids growing up and moving away, technology advancing (her complete inability to use computers/internet is an enormous hurdle for her now), and just SEEING things you didn't even care about when you were drinking.
I think a lot of realities are hitting her all at once.
So, while I was sad with her for some of those things, I have also been processing some of them for a while now, and trying to accept them into my reality.
Then I went to town. I did get the right dog food this time, directly from the vet clinic I took Roxy to, so that's done.
Then I went to pottery, and put a handle on a mug body from last week, and threw another possible mug body. I put some dry items on the cart for bisque firing.
I did see D, and some others before they left, and that was nice.
It took me a long time to clean up today, for some reason. It was exhausting.
I went to Winner's for recreational time, and then to get groceries.
I felt very low blood sugar (not a crash like I used to get, now I just get TIRED, and I have trouble making decisions quickly) getting groceries, so it seemed to take forever. I am still very grateful to be able to get groceries and to have the means and be physically able to do so.
I ate an apple in the car, and that helped a lot.
By the time I got home, it was too late for my husband to watch a show, so we just chatted about our day. He had a good day at the climbing gym.
I tried a "cocktail flavored sparkling water" that was supposed to be for a Moscow Mule, but what I wanted was just the ginger taste. It's "M'Aqua", and it is nice. No sugar, it just tastes like unsweetened ginger ale.
Still pretty nice weather for this time of year. Mild.
I got up in reasonable time, though I would have liked to have gotten maybe two more hours of sleep.
Trainwreck called at one point, waking me up enough that I didn't fall asleep right away again. I chose not to answer, but the phone IS SITTING RIGHT BESIDE ME.
I dragged myself along anyhow, since I wanted to get to town early enough to buy dogfood and get to pottery in reasonable time.
I let Dandy and Wonder out together first before eating and getting ready so they would have some social time. I got all the hay done at the same time.
Then after I ate, I called Trainwreck back. She did go to the family gathering this past weekend, and to some degree it was all just sad nostalgia. She's very odd about thinking all the time that "everything good is gone now".
I used to go along with all of that misery thinking, since I grew up with many of my sisters thinking that way. At one point, it dawns on you that they were doing that when they were maybe 30, "oh, nothing will be like it was, remember the good old days, THAT was when we were really enjoying life". Well, when was that? That period of time before Dad died? So you're going to mourn for the past your entire life.
Trainwreck always seems to live in the past, even the recent past. She already talks like that about the lodge where she lived a few months ago, and while she was actually there she mourned for her shitty trailer that she said she hated the whole time she lived there. When she lived at the shitty trailer, she mourned for the acreage she and her partner rented years ago.
So, she was mourning for the fact that one of our brothers, recently separated from his wife, is moving. He had a family gathering at his place for the last several years, and Trainwreck was mourning the loss of that family gathering opportunity.
I said, well, if you guys want, why not get together the same weekend somewhere else? Get together and rent a cabin at a lake, or just spend the day somewhere nice like a campground or rent a space at a community center? If you want to get together nothing is stopping you, even if it isn't the same.
She's sad that our Uncle M is moving to the same care home as our Mom (he is her brother, too). It IS sad that he's getting old and needs help, but is it sad that he's moving into the same nice care home as his sister, and he'll be taken care of, and give his poor, tired family a break? Is his aging a surprise to her?
She really hates all change, and can't cope with people getting older, or people moving away, or...anything.
It sounds like my Brother T and his wife are thinking about selling our family farm soon. This one will be hard on everyone, as we all grew up there and it's a place we all love very dearly. I don't know why it was never on the table for anyone else in our family to take it over, it really didn't seem like T wanted any of the other nieces or nephews to try their hand at farming. One or two of them might have made good farmers.
T's son is NOT a farmer, and so there is no succession.
So of course Trainwreck is angry and upset about that too, but really, what is there to be done about it? No one else has the money to buy it, or the desire to farm it, or to live out there in the boonies.
I think her reactions to life are due to a complete lack of emotional regulation on her part. She's stuck at the maturity level of maybe a 12 year old.
Also, I think that when you're drunk all the time, and always worried about your addiction (it takes up a lot of mental space, I imagine, thinking about how you're going to get more money for alcohol, going somewhere to get it, trying to hide the water bottle full of vodka or whatever, always wondering if you "seem drunk", and then trying to get a few necessary things done that day so you can go home and black out if you don't die driving home), you aren't paying attention.
You aren't really aware of the passing of time, people getting older, kids growing up and moving away, technology advancing (her complete inability to use computers/internet is an enormous hurdle for her now), and just SEEING things you didn't even care about when you were drinking.
I think a lot of realities are hitting her all at once.
So, while I was sad with her for some of those things, I have also been processing some of them for a while now, and trying to accept them into my reality.
Then I went to town. I did get the right dog food this time, directly from the vet clinic I took Roxy to, so that's done.
Then I went to pottery, and put a handle on a mug body from last week, and threw another possible mug body. I put some dry items on the cart for bisque firing.
I did see D, and some others before they left, and that was nice.
It took me a long time to clean up today, for some reason. It was exhausting.
I went to Winner's for recreational time, and then to get groceries.
I felt very low blood sugar (not a crash like I used to get, now I just get TIRED, and I have trouble making decisions quickly) getting groceries, so it seemed to take forever. I am still very grateful to be able to get groceries and to have the means and be physically able to do so.
I ate an apple in the car, and that helped a lot.
By the time I got home, it was too late for my husband to watch a show, so we just chatted about our day. He had a good day at the climbing gym.
I tried a "cocktail flavored sparkling water" that was supposed to be for a Moscow Mule, but what I wanted was just the ginger taste. It's "M'Aqua", and it is nice. No sugar, it just tastes like unsweetened ginger ale.
