Sunday, January 26

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

Getting okay sleep.

Trainwreck called to talk about the situation with Uncle M and Aunt E, to fill me in on what she knew.

From there, we went on to talk about my fun day yesterday, but of course we veered onto how sad and pointless her life is....argh.

Here's the thing, all she does is lie in bed. I know it's partly just being sick, which is very real, and partly depression from not having friends or a life, or ANYTHING at all going on.

I don't know what she is capable of doing. I don't know if she can walk anywhere, or be okay spending a few hours somewhere without passing out. I don't know.

She refuses to find a therapist, though she has used "chat lines", but those won't address her mental health issues, they are just volunteers who talk with you when you're bored and lonely.

I have MANY TIMES told her that a therapist is different, but I know that the issue is that she doesn't want to confront her problems, she just wants everyone to pity her, and to wallow alone in the dark.

I told her to go ANYWHERE that has windows, and just spend some time out of her undoubtedly dark, packed to the rafters, tiny suite. Somewhere that she has to shower, put on real clothes, and interact with the public.

She just says "but I don't want to".

Well, rot in peace, I guess. If she won't take the medication that was given to her for depression, won't see a therapist, and won't leave her suite, there's not much anyone can do, and just give up, I guess.

I can't make her do anything, nor should I have to try to boost her up when she's feeling bad (which is always).

I'm so tired of her dumping this on me. It's not my problem, nor my fault, nor my responsibility to fix her when she won't do anything to help herself.




So, I went on with my life. The one I create every day with a fair amount of effort.

My Sweetie spent some time working on the SAME SPOT in the kitchen. Almost a month now of sanding and patching and wiring, and it blows my mind that it's taken this long to get ONE LITTLE AREA prepared to hang a cupboard there.

I'm not even sure I understand it.

I went out and did the normal chores with Roxy, and it was absolutely gorgeous weather, a little above zero Celcius and no wind.

There was an incredible sunset, the kind that is all blue sky and orange sorbet clouds. I wonder if there's a specific name for that kind of sky, but it's one of my favorites.

Then I went to see River.

I ended up being a bit over focused on our ground work, and spent a long time on it, but it was not necessarily BAD, just a little long. It can mean burning the horse out a bit, since Liberty work means he has to pay attention the whole time.

He did really nicely on our yields on the ground, and after a considerable amount of warming up, he found some forward energy for the trot and canter circles.

I was working on keeping him from moving into me with his shoulder during the Spanish Walk, and K popped in and gave me some good advice.

What I like about K's perspective, is that he works a lot with beginners and he remembers that everything has to be broken down into ONE STEP that is done correctly, something that I seem to need constant reminders to train that way. He's absolutely right.

I am used to doing several steps of things, but I don't always focus on getting those steps CORRECT, and in order to get several steps in a row correct, you need to go back and get ONE step perfect. Then two. Etc.

I stood up again on River, and counted to 30 again. It is quite an exercise in will to stay standing upright on a horse for that long, but it's what I need to do if I want to incorporate this into a freestyle. I need to be comfortable up there, and he needs to be comfortable with it too. Not hurried.

Then I came home, put Dandy back in his normal pen, and went inside.

My Sweetie made supper, we ate, and talked, and then watched an episode of "The Orville".