Friday, February 14

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

Not getting worked up about it being Valentine's Day. I did get flowers yesterday, and we'll do something fun tomorrow hopefully.

Not answering the phone when Trainwreck called about five times throughout the day. Sometimes I need some peace.

I did talk with Sister E, who seems to be doing well. Their dog has something going on with one of her hind legs, so they made an appointment to have it checked.

I did the usual chores, and the goats seemed a bit cold, but not too bad.

I went to see River, and he was happy to come in and get his mash.

R had made cookies for everyone for Valentine's Day, which I thought was very nice of her. I brought them home for my Sweetie.

I had a good session with River. He's fine with the umbrella so far, though if I'm holding it when I try to get him to do things at Liberty I think it confuses him. He's not sure what I'm asking. I'll have to work on that some more.

He also seems to drift a lot in one direction, and I don't know why since if you really get firm and clear about it he comes in and keeps a good circle.

I didn't get a chance to ride, since right when I was about to mount, K and R started throwing hay and bringing some horses into the barn for the night. River's attention goes out the window when he knows it's feeding time.

Though it was a bit of an odd session, it was good to be working outside and being active. I had fun listening to one of my new soundtracks.

I chatted with K and R a bit in the barn.

Then I came home, and right away put Dandy back with Ursula, and managed to get the goats into their little harnesses and into the garage since it's supposed to be quite cold tonight, and for the next few days still.
My Sweetie came out and helped.

At least the goats got outside for a day and a half.

This hasn't been a SUPER cold spell, but it's lasting a long time.

Then we came in and ate supper and watched "Asteroid City". It didn't make much sense plotwise, but then again Wes Anderson doesn't seem to "do" plot. He did capture a feeling. That very niche window of time right after WWII with so much change and a weird feeling of optimism and "SCIENCE", and everything is about "the future". The colors were incredible, and the look. Everything looked like 1950's advertising or post cards.

Comments

[cf2princessawnw]

Extra cheers for boundary setting both with your expectations and with what you could handle with interactions. You navigated your day well, and that's not always easy!

[gottawonder]

I'm getting a little burned out with her wanting to talk every day.

She's been like this since she was in the hospital again recently, and I think she's afraid to be alone with her thoughts.

From talking to other family, she's calling Sister E and Sister S to talk about three times a day each, and probably other family too.

She just calls and calls and calls, all day long.

I get that she's very sick, BUT she's also still drinking, so it's not like she's doing anything to make things better.

Talking to her every day isn't helping her to stay sober, it's just feeding her self-absorption.

I end up often feeling drained from talking to her, even if it isn't a heavy conversation. It's something about feeling responsible for trying to make her "okay" for a while.

I just can't be that person for someone who isn't really ever going to be "okay", and isn't doing anything to do that for herself.

I would prefer to go back to talking once a week.

[cf2princessawnw]

It sounds like an awful lot, for sure. I hope you can go back to talking once a week. You're still there for her, but you're there for you and your world.... Not stuck with some of hers affecting yours negatively.

[gottawonder]

It is a lot.

Sure, sometimes she just calls to chat and it's fine, but even then there's something about being AWARE of her situation, in spite of the casual conversation.

She's an alcoholic, and she's killing herself. When you say something like "you know, by continuing to drink you're choosing to die" and she replies "and I'm okay with that", it's not an easy thing to deal with at all.

What's maybe not easy to really convey, is that this has been going on for my entire life. Always somewhere out there is Trainwreck, screwing up her life, ruining the lives of other people, her kids, their kids by inherited trauma, and while there have been times when I was less personally involved, you always end up hearing about it from other family, seeing her and her family in person when I went home to visit, and it's just always THERE.

Like you're just yelling "NO, DON'T DO THAT" your whole life, and it doesn't matter.

That's why I call her Trainwreck. There's that kind of horror of standing there watching her.

It does affect me negatively. I have my own issues that stem from spending my life around traumatized people in my family. Second hand trauma sort of. Somewhat first hand.

A lot of my perspectives and thoughts about myself and others come from that place.

I do my best to be aware of the things that create negative patterns in my life, and I try to do things that are better for me and for those around me.

[cf2princessawnw]

I know that you love her and Care a great deal, but I also hope you know that we're proud of you for setting the boundaries you need. Because you need those in order to have as good and safe and happy of life as you can. I know at least for me, when I lived away from family, I was so happy and free at times.... Until they called, and it felt like the darkness and poison came to the phone and tried to infiltrate my world of beauty and peace and sunshine. I had to set boundaries too. It made all the difference! I even had a cheat sheet, so that in the moment I would remember and follow my rules.

This next time - I need to find out how to set the boundaries to not return at all. When I'm separate, I can set boundaries, but when I'm stuck back with them daily, that the whole different thing.

Nobody needs trauma in their life. And nobody needs to live a lifetime attached to someone else dedicated to it. I know there's a lot that's not in her control, but for the things that are in her control, I hope you do feel the freedom to set a strong boundary for your own Wellness. I think you do a great job of finding the negative patterns in life and trying to do things that are better for you and those around you! I wish you more and more if that :) not because I see a lack or anything, but because you truly are good at finding what makes you happy and better your life. So I wish you that, and for people that can help you in that direction too. We all need that in our worlds!

[gottawonder]

Yes.

Trainwreck probably isn't trying to deliberately poison me, but she's a very toxic person with a lot of denial about her own role in her own life, and the lives of those around her.

As I've said before, she doesn't take much responsibility for her own happiness, and she just says things like "it's all water under the bridge" when it comes to how she's hurt other people either by her actions or the lack of action.

Just talking with her stirs up a lot of emotions, not because she's TRYING to hurt me, but how can you listen to someone talk about all of the dysfunction in her kids, and wonder how they could be that way when she was such a great parent?

How she can be so unable to seek out anything in her own life that could have helped, like therapy, or AA.

I feel her presence in my life constantly, even though I am probably a thousand miles away from her.

Part of me wants to talk to her because she's family, and also because it's FAMILIAR (which I have come to understand that habit and familiarity can become traps for us, because we seek them even when they are bad for us).

Part of me would be happy enough to never talk to her again.