Monday, May 12

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

Rain. We could use a LOT more, but I am happy we got something today. If nothing else, the air is clear, finally. It was so dusty.

Getting decent sleep.

I spent some time learning about Bill 54, and wondering how I could actually DO something about it.

I did chores and went to town for pottery. While just in the parking lot of the pottery studio, I got a call from Sister S, who is the person who looks after Mom's interests.

Mom is going to finish the antibiotics, and then go to palliative care. There is some uncertainty as to what that means, as palliative care CAN mean a place to recover, not always a place to die, but it's all hinging on whether or not Mom can eat more. Right now, she's not eating much, and unless they want to intubate her, which I don't think is the plan, she can just starve to death.

Her dementia and being so upset about being restrained and so much time being fairly cooped up after her surgery and in the hospital has left her angry and confused, and uncooperative.

So, I'm having a tough time with all of this. It doesn't sound like she's physically weak, so much as mentally and emotionally unable to cope.

I'm having a tough time processing this, and of course you wonder if there's anything more that could be done.

I went into the studio and did manage to trim a piece I threw last week, and it looks good. I finished glazing a small bowl, which is now on the cart to be fired. I scratched away at a small horse sculpture I'm doing for Raku. It's not fired yet, so I could refine it a bit. Then I put it on the cart to be bisqued.

Three items were back from the final firing, and they look pretty good. One was a bowl my husband made and I glazed for him. There is another teapot, though I'm meh about the glaze. Then there is a lovely vase that I hand painted swallows upon. It turned out very well.

I went to Winner's and found a good pair of runners.

Then I went to get groceries, keeping in mind that I will need some food to take with me for the upcoming trip home (one weekend is our annual family gathering, the following is the memorial for Aunt E, and in between I might stay with Sister E for a few days).

I take my own food to eat so that I don't end up having to eat fast food (which will likely make me sick with low blood sugar, or can't find good vegetarian options in small towns). I could try to shop when I'm there, but when I did this before the food was a lot more expensive (again, problem with small town).

I kind of hate the big drive home, and feeling so displaced. I don't like worrying about what I'm going to eat, or how it will work if I sleep at someone else's house. I like my privacy and being able to control my day, even though I still want to see family and visit with them.

I know that having SO MUCH autonomy has allowed me to reach a point of eccentricity in some ways, and changing one's schedule is very hard at this point.

I am very grateful to be able to get groceries, and to have the freedoms that I have. I'm grateful for the rain, for our animals and our home, to have my husband, and the opportunity to go visit family.

It's entirely possible that whatever chance I have to see Mom, might be for the last time, though I think I have felt like that for many years. This does feel a little more truthful, though, this time.

When I got home, my Sweetie helped me unload the groceries and put them away.

Then we went for a pasture walk with Roxy, who thoroughly enjoyed herself. My Sweetie says that his job might require him to work on a shutdown, which is when a place has to literally shut down what it's doing to do the upgrades, which means a big push to get it done as quickly as possible, but that also means long days for my husband. The potential location is an hour away, so doesn't qualify for him to get the extra money from his company to rent an apartment or stay in a hotel, but DOES mean two hours of driving every day for him with no compensation.

He's not happy about this, because he has really been enjoying being home every night like a human being, to eat with me and watch a show, and to enjoy his nights at the climbing gym. With this shut down work, he would probably just be coming home and going straight to bed, and I would have to be right on top of having meals ready and doing pretty much everything else with the house so he doesn't have to do anything.

He really wanted to just stay working in his current office job role, not go back to field work, especially not a shut down, but he doesn't get much choice.

Sigh.

We did eat and watch an episode of "Fringe".

Comments

[sherlockishere]

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom's situation. I hope the palliative care she receives is thoughtfully planned to keep her comfortable, no matter how long she continues to live. When I hear about situations like hers, I honestly feel very grateful that both of my parents & my step-dad all died relatively quickly. To linger is the worst situation, at least in my mind. Many hugs to you, and hopes that your drive there and back is as pleasant as possible.

[gottawonder]

Thank you for your kind words.

Yes, I feel like my Mom is in limbo right now, not safely deemed well enough to return to the care home, a tiny glimmer of hope if she can get through the infection and calm down enough to eat.

Yes, I hope that whatever the outcome, that she is cared for with compassion and that comfort is possible for her.

There's nothing to be done, but I hope that I am able to see her, at least. It's hard to say if she will even wake up, but I feel like it's important to try.

The drive home is a long one, and it's kind of the days building up to it that are very stressful for me, because I'm trying to make sure I have everything packed that I need (I don't go away from home enough to feel super confident about that) and making sure that everything is set up for the animals.

It's hard to go home too, and see everyone looking so much more frail these days. On one level, I KNOW everyone's frail, I saw them last summer, but sometimes it's still a shock. I'm not sure why, since it really isn't a NEW thing.

My Aunt E. passed recently, and right up until this year a visit to her house was always on my itinerary. Uncle M is now in the care home too, and it was probably only Aunt E that made it possible for him to live at home until this year.

Sure, there are new babies, lots of young kids in our family too, though I don't feel like there's a lot of connection to them. I don't see them often enough.

So, it's just a lot to absorb.

[sherlockishere]

How long a drive is it? I'm just curious, because there's so much space in Canada. I can imagine that it is complicated to get out of town, given the number of animals that you care for. I know your Sweetie often works away, so I'm hoping you have a really good neighbor who takes care of the animals while you're gone!

About your mom, I do think there's a lot of value in seeing a loved one again, even if they're essentially in a coma. It's just so hard to let go of someone you love, and every trip that lets you say goodbye to them helps with that process, even if you just say goodbye in your heart.

[gottawonder]

The drive takes me around 15 hours (my husband can do it in 12), but I do stop a lot to stretch my legs or I sometimes nap. There are some gorgeous sites along the way, and getting out to look at a view for 15 minutes is part of the journey.

I have considered stopping halfway and spending the night somewhere, but then that just drags the whole thing out.

My husband is working from home at the moment, and can look after the animals. At other times, when he was working at locations, he took some time off to do it, but that has to be planned further ahead and often means I only have a few days to go.

I don't feel like I have anyone else right now that I could trust to take care of them, and that has been a problem for a very long time. The one set of friends that I think I would trust, don't live that close anymore. They moved from being close neighbors to being about 20 minutes away, which maybe isn't too impossible, but not ideal. Our dog would have to be in a kennel if she couldn't come with us.

The big thing is having horses and goats. You need to have someone who can feel safe handling a horse, and recognizing when something is off.

Not as simple as "check on the cats twice a day and feed them".

What's strange, is that I feel like I've been saying goodbye to my Mom for a very long time now. She already seemed kind of frail twenty years ago when she moved into town from the farm, and moving from the farm seemed like a kind of death for her.

Then, when she moved into the care home a few years ago, she was really different because the reason she moved is that she had some brain damage from salt imbalances, and she fell and hurt her hip. From that point on, her memory was pretty much gone and hardly seemed like herself.

The last time or two I've visited her, she was in a wheelchair though she "walked" herself around in it, but was barely awake when I visited and not much interaction.

It's weird, because I don't visit with her in person much, so every time I see her there has been a great deal of change to cope with all at once.

Yet, there's something about knowing she's still alive, vs. not being there any more.

[spatzenpost]

I’m sorry to hear about your mother. Palliative care will see to that she’s comfortable and perhaps she’ll start to eat again there.

[gottawonder]

I'm trying to not have a lot of expectations. She's 95 and had a lot of recent issues.

I do hope that whatever the outcome, that she can be comfortable.