Friday, August 8

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

Cool weather, though the humidity made it feel sticky.

Another rough start to the day, which extended for some time, once again prompted by my husband overwhelming me while I lay in bed, not even awake enough to make sense of it.

When will he learn? When will I have a way to stop it?

Then, even when I had gotten some kind of focus, he just states that "he's going to town for the day to get his hair cut and then to go climbing".

I hadn't even SEEN him yet, he got up earlier, did a bit of work, came into the house as I was waking up to announce that he was leaving for the day. I was literally just waking up.

I barely get to see him all week, and he thinks it should be fine for him to just leave for the day to amuse himself.

I already know he's going to help friends on Sunday, so I won't see him then either. We're doing something tomorrow, but out of three days I'm only seeing him for one day? When I see him for about an hour after work all week? Does that seem fair?

Very frustrating, of course it became an argument that resulted him not going anywhere today, but he says he would like to have Fridays to go to the city to climb in the evening.

Sure, I guess he's entitled.

BUT, maybe talk to me so I'm not just waking up to him leaving for the rest of the day?

I don't know. I give up.

The day still proceeded, no matter how pointless and fruitless it felt for me to go on. At this point it felt like just some kind of brutal joke. I just had to live through it, and try again tomorrow.

I did go see River, and that's when I finally felt like the day meant something. Just me and River, River being the most rational being I know at times.

His eye looked good today, and he didn't look sore at the trot in the indoor arena. We worked on our normal stuff, and I did ride a bit today.

R was around, as were her husband K and their daughter L. Nice to see them all.

I went home and did the usual; animals out to graze, pick raspberries, freeze raspberries and bag frozen ones.

We did eat and watch "Gran Turismo" which is based on a true story about how Nissan paired with racing simulator gamers to demonstrate that the simulators were so good that it was plausible to make actual race car drivers out of gamers. Interesting.

Comments

[ratunderpaper]

I don't know. Why not climb on the roof and finish the siding if you have to climb?

[gottawonder]

Yeah, like maybe if it was a fun thing he could do with his friends watching or something, right?

I actually DO appreciate his desire to go climbing. I do. We're all human, and we need more in life than work and more work at home to make life worth living.

It just really hit me the wrong way, and it felt like I was out of the loop, and also because I just woke up and he's telling me he's leaving for the day when I haven't even spent any time with him this week.

Literally standing at the foot of the bed letting me know he's getting ready to leave, and he'll see me around supper time.

The nerve.

Well, he didn't go, he did stay home and kept working on moving fallen trees, but that wasn't really what I was trying to tell him by being upset.

What I wanted was just to spend some time with him before he took off for the day. Maybe some kind of mutual understanding of what he was doing, or some kind of communication.

Lately it feels like all I do is just react to the next thing; he goes to the wedding, brings back a nephew for ten days, he's heading to another MS bike ride, or off to work for a day with friends.

It's off-putting.

[ratunderpaper]

Unless it's a climbing class full of bros and if you miss a week, the class of bros progresses through its term without you and you've wasted $400, it's hard to see the need to climb up a wall every week.

I was going to make a joke about being driven up a wall, but people don't say that anymore.

Look, man - you have a few short weeks left to make progress on your family home. Do some of that and then you can climb up something for a few hours with a clearer conscience.

[gottawonder]

Climbing takes a lot of skill and specific strength, and I support his desire to climb regularly.

Mainly, I was just angry that upon waking, it felt like he was leaving for the whole day and I wouldn't see him until evening.

If we could have started with planning to spend some time before he went, or SOMETHING, it would have felt differently.

[ratunderpaper]

Climbing (unless it's Everest, etc) is one of those things I don't get - along with comic book collecting, rodeos, and demolition derby.

I prefer it when people plan to do things and then do them. It's a bugbear to listen to a raft of great plans being articulated and then realise that the planner can't be arsed to put those plans into action.

[gottawonder]

I'm not that interested in climbing. I tried it with him a couple of times.

What he says is interesting, is that it is a mental challenge to figure out how to climb a pattern, and they keep changing the walls so it's new every week.

It IS a good work out that uses the whole body, and it's kind of a zen thing.

I don't have to love it or understand it for him to be happy doing it.

I don't feel like he has to put off all recreation until every last thing is finished on the house, because that isn't how life works.

BUT, I do get very frustrated that we've been living with certain things since we put this house on the new basement. Things like cracks in the wall, the unfinished bedroom, and on and on.

It makes me upset that we've had a cracked window for three years that turns out there was a solution all along that he didn't bother to look for (talking directly to the manufacturer).

It makes me upset that we've agreed we need to build a concrete "well" around the sewer drain in the basement so that we have a buffer should it back up again (it's done that several times now, and every time the basement floor floods with grey sewage water and gets stored items wet on the bottom) but that concrete well never gets built.

Then, we bring it up again the next time our basement floods and I'm furious because it still didn't get done.

I know none of these things are fast fixes. I know that.

Yet, it means that most of our weekends should have meaningful forward work being done on OUR HOUSE.

He's so willing to go spend full days helping our work friends. He'll get up at 7 am to go work, and work all day. Hard work.

At home, he gets up when he's had enough sleep, puts in a few hours, and may or may not finish something that weekend.

Sure, he goes to the dump. That's an easy way to feel like he's really accomplished something.

We do useful things, but it's not always firm house progress, it might be cutting down trees or picking raspberries.

I need him to become a hard core weekend house contractor if we have any hope of getting this house done in the next five years.

He can do that for other people, why not our own home?

[ratunderpaper]

There are hometime projects that only he or a hired professional can do, so... some of these should come before play. Playtime is a reward.

I mentioned people's collections of comic books and schtuff as though it were an exclusively male domain. I found a woman on Reddit with a collection of 200+ luxury purses, and that's even crazier than keeping unread comics in plastic wrappers.

[gottawonder]

I sort of get that fabulous purses are like works of art in their own right. That's the whole thing with fashion.

I suppose if I had enough disposable income, and the space, there would be a lot of luxury things I might own.

It's a bit nuts, but again, a lot depends on whether she has the disposable income or the space to own them responsibly.

At least with designer purses, they would be worth something to sell should she choose to do so, or upon her death they could be sold for the estate beneficiaries.

I personally own a ton of books and art books, so that's not so far from comics to be unrelatable.

I of course feel like our books are important, interesting, and curated, not random garbage. I'm sure everyone feels like that about the things they accumulate.

My husband has a box of old comics. Not collector's editions or anything, just the dog-eared relics of his youth. He never reads them. It would never dawn on him that they were gone if I got rid of them. He just likes having them.

I do fear the day when we are forced to recon with our books, and I my knick knacks and objects d'art.

Some of the books would be worth selling through something like the book store we patronize. Even now we do have a habit of taking culls there to generate income for new books.

The art books would be worth taking in to sell, as long as such places continue to exist.

There are also lots of books that might be less valuable, that I suppose could go to a thrift store.

It will be sad to see them all go.

The same for my knick knacks, the clothes that will one day be obviously unnecessary (I imagine that if I live long enough, moving to a senior's home will seriously limit what I can take, and I might be a person who just wears comfy sweats and easy to wear clothing, not my fantasy wardrobe of dresses appropriate for garden parties and all of my outdoor gear).

There are MANY people out there who only come to terms with their possessions when they cannot, literally cannot take them with them.

[ratunderpaper]

My friend and her family celebrated her mother's 99th birthday today with a dinner party in Casa Loma - a real celebration! This woman has always loved parties, social gatherings of any kind, art, music, wine, good food, fashion and bling.

The best gift she has is healthy longevity and a keen interest in the ever-evolving world around her. She still lives in the same art-filled house I remember from my friend's and my childhood. Thank goodness she hasn't sunk into uselessness or pottering.

[gottawonder]

That's my own hope, is that however long I live, that I can still enjoy life.

I'm trying really hard to stay physically active, addressing things like my occasionally sore back by going to physio and doing the work at home, eating well, sunscreen etc, so that I can be mobile as long as possible.

I'd like to be the kind of person who still has something interesting to talk about, still is able to go places and attend gatherings, still engages with people of different ages.

That said, I know that not every person who "sinks into uselessness or pottering" made that as a personal choice. Depression sucks, illness sucks, and things like Diabetes can absolutely drain your energy and zest for life.

I wonder how things might have been different for my Mom if she'd gotten surgery on her knee when she first needed it. It gradually got so painful that she barely walked in her 70's, and of course she was just always in pain from it. That's the kind of thing that means if you're not walking, you lose so much, and it affects your brain and mental health. She didn't go outside much, and stayed home most of the time because she didn't want to have to do stairs to get in and out of any buildings, or look like she was struggling in public.

She came from a generation that would never bother to do something like exercise for mobility, and from what I understand she didn't want to go through all the hassle of the knee surgery because it would mean getting family to take her to doctor's appointments and help with the after care.

She suffered a lot for thirty years instead of be a bother to anyone.

So, for her, it was a combination of having legitimate pain, but also somewhat self-inflicted as she COULD have done more to help herself.

[ratunderpaper]

Your entry made me jump up and sign up for a more challenging ballet class than I would have normally taken in this heatwave. There is no time to waste.

You mention depression, illness and diabetes. Depression/mental illness has affected many I know, yet they have dealt with it (via medication and therapy) promptly and without complaint. This I admire.
Illness affects everyone... what kind of illness are you thinking about in the context of aging? Heart disease? Obesity and the co-morbidities related to it? You work on these issues now, with proper medical advice, or you suffer through your diminished life later. You can ask me anything you like about heart disease, but I won't eeyore about it.


That many of us make it past the age of fifty is a gift. I have very little patience with those who what-if or squander their time. If you're in the position of, exempli gratia, Gord Downie - you're dealing with tragedy. Yet in the face of tragedy and of little time to live, he left a mark that cannot be erased, and his life with its many achievements will not be forgotten.

Which generation does not bother to exercise for mobility? Lois would be 101 this year, but up until the end of her days, she was walking and energetic.

I do pity those who allow their physical frailties define them and their future. As I said, tragedy is not the same as challenge. If you can picture a future self who sells her home and potters about, then it is already painting a picture of expectation. We do not hope for the best, we create our best. Hopefully, you will aim to spend time with people who inspire you to be more and do more - instead of less.

[gottawonder]

Maybe it isn't EVERYONE, but I guess the older people I remember from "back home", the ones that were small town farmers born during the depression or shortly after...or maybe it was just my Mom.

She would have thought that doing stretches or specific physiotherapy or weight training was silly and ridiculous and a waste of time and money. She would have felt too self conscious to ever do them.

So maybe it was just her. She did walk just for the sake of walking; a bit. She used to walk up and down the long lane with one of her grandsons. She did this when she was no longer doing any farm work or yard work, just to walk a bit, but didn't do it in the winter.

Mom lived a long time, but she seemed very old by the time she was 70. She really hit a wall at one point because she had problems with her vision, she had gall bladder problems that went undiagnosed, and her knee bothered her a lot. I think she had one or two very bad years and in that time she stopped driving, and stopped doing much of anything at all. She never really went back to being more active even after they fixed her gall bladder and her vision.

Again, she didn't insist on getting a specialist to look at her when her stupid local doctor just said she had acid reflux, and suffered from gall bladder stones. She suffered with them a long time until my sister forced her to go to another doctor, who didn't even let her go home, just made her go straight to surgery. That's how bad it was.

Same with her vision. She just seemed to accept that she was going blind from cataracts.

Why was she like this? I have no idea. She was stuck in some kind of "poor but proud" mentality, even though all of this is covered in Canada. She didn't want to "bother" anyone, or seem needy.

My family has been a mixed bag as far as examples of "healthy aging". My Sister E and Sister L have taken care of themselves, and are doing pretty well physically (I think Sister L is struggling with anxiety, and Sister E has ADHD or something which makes her really annoying, but she functions well enough).

Then almost the entire rest of my siblings are not great examples. Trainwreck is doing a bit better, but her mental health issues of alcohol addiction and hoarding have just about killed her. She's only ten years older than me but looks more like twenty or more years older. HARD years older.

Sister N, sad to say, is just plain insane, though I couldn't even tell you what it is. She suffers a lot from depression though she has sought treatment, but it could be more than that. She's been addicted to over the counter medication and just straight up fabricates her whole life to the point where no one knows if anything she says is real or not. It would make it hard for her doctors to know how to help her. She would say she cares a lot about her health, but will also eat garbage in volume when she's down, drinks far too much coffee, or will get hooked on diet coke, used to smoke a lot but now thinks vaping means she's not a smoker anymore.

I am going to say that Trainwreck and Sister N, and maybe some others are definitely people who were in denial of how their consumption, addiction, and lack of willingness to do the work of remaining fit ruined their lives.

It goes on and on. The remaining siblings are all smokers, with little regard for trying to eat healthy or exercise for their health.

In contrast, I was talking to my friend D from pottery, who has spent most of her summer hiking and kayaking, having a great time doing some crafts, is planning for Autumn activities, and is so busy with friends and family that I have to make an appointment to see her.

She's in her mid sixties, and though she has had some serious injuries in the past, and has arthritis, she's well aware of not letting any of that stop her from doing what she can.

I was an annoying kid who used to lecture them all about their choices, and at least I grew up to be a person who lived by my own annoying rules of taking care of myself.

So, in myself, I have some big moods that I think make life harder than it has to be, but I'm in good general health.

I did have a lot of issues with blood sugar swings, tried to talk to my doctor about it but got no useful advice because the 12 hour fast didn't show diabetes, so I stumbled upon how helpful it is to just cut sugar and carbs out, and MAN did that help a lot.

I don't know if I will have issues with disease, but barring that or serious injury, I am hopefully heading into solid middle age and onward with reasonable odds of being fairly healthy.

I did indeed worry a lot about all of the things you mention. Diabetes (I used to eat badly but THOUGHT I was doing okay, until I got more serious about things), obesity (I lost a lot of weight but still struggle, in spite of being reasonably active and eating well), depression (sigh), and even just how generally things get harder to do as you get older (thus being more interested in yoga and mobility to keep moving well, beyond just doing yardwork and such).

I worry about my vision. I've always had poor eyesight, and one good thing is that they can do a lot now with surgery. It's getting pretty commonplace to get lenses put in.

Hearing loss can really suck, but other than wearing protection there's not much you can do about that.

I just focus on "what can I do today that will be positive", either in doing something useful, exercising, being creative, talking with someone, getting out of the house, being with animals, or trying to find something new to see or do.

[ahorrasi]

i feel the same way about river rafting

here where i live, it's all everyone does

i've done it a few times and i'm like.... sitting here floating in the middle of a river for 8 hours getti5ng sunburngedand bug bitten... what's the appeal?

[gottawonder]

I went white water rafting once, and it was SO MUCH fun. We weren't just sitting there though, you had to steer, and the raft was moving right along.

I would enjoy river rafting once in a while, but likely it would be kind of boring compared to kayaking or canoeing, where you're going somewhere.

I think for most people, the appeal of river rafting is that they drink the whole time.

[ahorrasi]

you kmow i get bummed out a lot about being single now and no end to that purgatory in sight but honestly these are the sorts of dfficult situations that as a single person you don't have to negotiate

i had forgotten about that

[gottawonder]

Yes, and yet as much as trying to get things done on the house bums me out....

I never would have had a house like this with some land for our animals without him, nor would I be able to maintain it on my own.

I probably don't mention that often enough.

Well, there you go. The dangers of one-sided reporting!

Sometimes I am truly frustrated with my husband, and sometimes I realize that it's just frustrating to own a house that needs so much work.

[ahorrasi]

yeah i know a woman up toe road owns acreage, horses ,pigs, dogs, etc by herself and 2 kids, single

she can do it but its' exhausting and every ow and again she has to sell off aimals

all she wants is a partner/husband to share it with but alas he does not manifest

it can be done but also..... not really

[gottawonder]

The actual chores in caring for our animals isn't too strenuous, but the property as a whole is a lot of work.

Things like fences can be a big deal if they don't get done right the first time. Building our nice fence was a lot of work for one or two summers, then it was very little work for ten years after that because we did a good job.

Same with getting sheds built, it was intense work at the time, then it was all good after that because they are good buildings.

Getting an automatic waterer installed is the ONLY way to go with horses. I still haul water to the ponies and goats, but that's like one trip with two pails every day....if that were horses you'd have to run a hose out there or make multiple pail trips.

There are ways to make animal care easy, but all the work and money has to be on the front end.

You have to do a ton of work and investment to get a good fence, sheds, water system, etc. and all that to make owning animals simple down the road.

I've seen what you describe at other people's places; no money or no help means animals are always getting out or getting hurt on bad fences, or getting sick because they don't have a way to get out of standing in manure, all their time is spent fixing bad fences every day or trying to get water to them or makeshift this and that that only fixes a problem for a short time.

Having no money to get feet trimmed usually means worse problems down the road, or no money to get cats spayed means kitten explosions.

I generally was fairly aware of the relationship between money and quality of life for animals, and tried to be moderate about how many animals I had based on what we could afford/had time to take care of over the years.

[ahorrasi]

very alive for us now here

it's kitten season in the country

where i live, people just let cats do whatever; it's the culture, somehow

[gottawonder]

Alas, there's a very real disconnect in some rural folks.

They have cats show up, or get a few for killing mice, but don't bother getting them fixed.

One female cat can have two litters in a year, and that adds up very quickly.

There truly is no way for most people to afford fixing cats once the numbers get like that, so they just ignore it.

When I was a kid on the farm, that was our situation, as well as pretty well every other farm. It was normalized.

We did feed them somewhat, but no vet attention. We'd end up with twenty or more new kittens every year, but often some coyote or owl would get wise and clean most of them out when they got to the stage where they were exploring the farm.

The ones that made it through that, and the first winter were generally smart enough to be around for a few years, but rarely did the cats ever get "old".

Then sometimes an illness would go through and wipe them out.

It wasn't a nice way to own animals.

I don't want outdoor cats. I have some indoor cats, they're all fixed, I keep them inside where they won't get wrapped up in our car engines or kill all the birds for fun. They are cared for and go to the vet when they need it.