Saturday, August 23

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

Hauling myself out of bed in order to be supportive to people from the riding barn.

Today they performed at the grand opening of a big county agriplex grand opening. All kinds of local groups and clubs were invited to demonstrate their passion, so there were herding dog demonstrations, trick riders from a local club, some jumpers, and among these talented groups was our barn, demonstrating Liberty.

It was fun to watch the herding dogs, and it was kind of lovely to be sitting in the bleachers, and to start seeing other people from our barn who were showing up for our barn's demonstration. We sat together, and made a lot of noise for our people.

Our group did great. It didn't look as showy and flashy as the trick riders, but they did a great job; the horses stayed connected and calm, and that was the biggest thing.

It was neat to be in attendance and with a group of people cheering our own people on.

We did walk out to where R and others performing were parked (with the horses and the trailers) to congratulate everyone on doing such a great job.

We did watch some other stuff for a while, then headed to the city.

We grabbed a tasty burrito, and went to a comedy improv that is part of the many performances in the many small venues in the city during Fringe festival.

Ours was a 'Murder mystery improv" with input from the audience that was hilarious. So much fun.

Then we walked around, stepped into a former "ten thousand villages" store that is now just "villages" or something, and my husband got coffee beans.

I was seriously looking at the scarves, and we almost NEVER make it to this store, but I felt...judged? by my husband. I have a ton of scarves. I really do.

That said...I LOVE scarves.

I felt exactly the same as a few weeks ago when I was looking at a small kitchen knife, like even if he never said anything out loud, it was like he was "not saying anything....but...".

So I didn't buy one. It killed the joy in it, to have someone standing there while I looked.

Kind of ruined the day for me. I was having a pretty good day up until then. I don't like being made to feel like I "don't need something". I can make that decision for myself.

I might have just as easily decided for myself that I didn't need another scarf, but to have another person make that call isn't what I'm looking for.

Perhaps the next time we go to the city, I will simply go to this area myself, and do as I please. It somewhat defeats the purpose of spending a day with my Sweetie, but HE'S defeating the purpose of going to fun stores.

So we came home and I failed to nap, he went outside and worked on the shed. He managed to rip out those corner boards that are also secured with six inch long Ardox nails.

He did come and apologize for making me feel like I shouldn't buy what I want, so there's that.

Comments

[ratunderpaper]

Please put the knife you wanted and the description of the scarf on your birthday wish list, and give it to him.

[gottawonder]

Not the worst idea!

More than "getting" the items, it was about not needing permission to buy them.

We're not broke. It's not about budgeting.

It felt like I was just being judged, whether or not he was ACTUALLY doing anything.

He says he was just waiting for me to make up my mind as to whether or not I wanted said items, I often do buy things with him in the same space, what made these moments feel differently?

[ratunderpaper]

Perhaps he felt you were waiting for a second opinion and he felt that his was valuable. Even if he meant well, the last thing one needs is to feel that permission is necessary, or that one is disobedient if counter-suggestion isn't considered.

Of course you can get along fine without the knife or another scarf, but the trouble occurs when we start equating compliance or doing-without as virtuous. It's insidious.

[gottawonder]

With the knife, it just felt like he was "remaining neutral" in a way that felt like he wasn't encouraging, and then he also had nothing but criticism for the one or two small knives I was looking at, without offering a better alternative. The one I liked "had too thin a handle" and then I didn't like the handles on the others, from there the staff person tried to help..

The staff person just kept directing me to knives that were not what I was asking for; I was hoping for a small paring knife, and she was taking me to huge cleaver style knives. We already have a larger knife. Never mind that the price difference between the paring knives and the cleaver was likely several hundred dollars.

Between the two of them, it felt like no one was listening, or helping me find what I had in mind, like one of those bad dreams where you can see what you want in the distance but can't seem to get there.

With the scarves, he was doing this kind of standing there unenthusiastically thing, and he does this thing where when HE is done in a store, the energy just shifts from happily browsing to a kind of stationary impatience.

Once he decided he was done looking around, he got his coffee beans, and we went from wandering around without focus to "We're outta here", but I had only JUST started looking at the scarves. So, he's just got this vibe of "can we get out of here?" even though if you say anything he's going to say "oh, no, take your time".

It sucks to go into one of your favorite stores for scarves, and he KNOWS THAT, and feel like you're "not allowed" to buy a scarf.

[ratunderpaper]

There's nothing like having energy sucked from one's enthusiasm by a black hole. It's happened twice - do not let it happen again!

"Thank you for taking an interest in the knife I was planning to purchase - you can get it for me for my birthday, if you like."

[gottawonder]

Again, I don't NEED these things, and sometimes I do have to check my enthusiasm.

I guess I just don't enjoy that feeling of being observed while I'm making up my mind.

Sort of like if someone were just...watching you...while you hemmed and hawed about having a bit more cake.

[ratunderpaper]

I don't like being observed doing anything if it's intrusive.