Sunday, November 23

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

Some sleep.

My Sweetie being home when I got up.

After a leisurely approach to the day, he went to work on building goat pens in the garage. This is an annual job, though I wanted to make some changes to them this year.

We don't bring the goats inside often, but in the winter when it gets down to -30 C for example, we bring them into the garage, which is heated to just above freezing. Usually they are only in for a few days before it gets back to where they're okay outside.

We take them down and put them away in the spring.

We're approaching "real winter", and they probably should already have been built. Anyhow, he got them mostly built today.

I swept the floors and vacuumed, and tidied up around the cat litter. I did some laundry.

Then I went outside and did usual chores, and with my Sweetie's help I also took down the electric fence in Wonder's pen, which isn't awful but the pegs got frozen in and took some extra elbow grease to pull them out.

Then I went to see River, and my Sweetie kept working at home.

River did well today. He was pretty focused and reasonably forward, which is nice. As always, I worked on my cues, trying to be less "noisy" with my hands and my voice, trying to remember to make all movement count. One of my weak spots.

I did ride, and River was better with the trot in the direction that he's been rushing lately.

Then I spent some time upstairs with the kittens. They were a bit sleepy at first, and were pretty happy to just snuggle on my lap, then they woke up a bit and were playful. They are more like little cats now, and less like "baby" kittens. They have more coordination and something about their mannerisms being different.

I got a text from D saying she did make the drive to drop her adult daughter off in some town she demanded to be taken to, and ended up paying around $300 for a hotel room until she could get an apartment, and gas, and food for everyone. Sigh.

I truly hope that this IS it, and D is really done with her daughter. Every time her daughter shows up, D pays a ton of money trying to get her help, or to some place she says she's getting a job or something, and before you know it she's back demanding more money, while also belittling D.

I feel like D needs the support of a therapist who specializes in the family of addicts who need to cut off all contact with them.

Then I came home. My Sweetie made supper and we snuck in one episode of "The White Lotus" before he headed to bed.

Comments

[ratunderpaper]

Almost unthinkable behaviour. Sorry your friend has been treated poorly.

[gottawonder]

I think her lifelong struggle with her daughter isn't so different from my family's journey with Trainwreck.

There are likely stretches of time where her daughter is either doing a bit better, or just far enough away that D kind of forgets how bad their relationship is.

Then this daughter shows up, likely crying or threatening self harm if D doesn't help her, so D does what she can to help.

Then, from what D says, her daughter right away gets into a defensive stance, refusing to pay any kind of rent, refusing to help out with chores or running errands, or even being nice.

She holes up in the guest room and snarls, and comes and goes without telling D where she's going, and is angry if any kind of boundary is requested.

In the short time I've known D (two years?) this daughter had been living with D for almost an entire year, left for a few months, and then came back, and D says this has been going on forever, with no commitment to change in sight.

D is retired, can't really afford to keep helping her daughter financially, and is emotionally spent. She is now dealing with some health issues that are making it clear that she needs to move to a place that is smaller and easier to maintain, with no yard. She has no bandwidth left for her daughter.

So, I have my doubts as to whether she can really stop enabling her daughter unless she starts therapy with someone who can help her stick to her guns, and who can walk her through things like what to say if she shows up, and how to get a restraining order should it become necessary.

At this point, I'm wondering if D is safe, if her daughter will just do something to hurt her next time.

[ratunderpaper]

Terrible and stressful. I hope it all gets better.

[gottawonder]

Unfortunately, I am a cynic, and I don't think D will really stop talking to her daughter.

Nor do I think her daughter will get the help she needs.

Again, like with Trainwreck, there were times when I thought about cutting all contact, and I wasn't even giving her money or doing things like driving her places or helping her move.

I just couldn't deal with her pain and suffering, given that she wouldn't get help.

She's been doing a lot better, and it's a lot easier to talk with her now. She didn't "get help", she just went through a solid year with a couple of near death situations that landed her in the hospital.

It's hard to cut yourself off from someone like that.

[ratunderpaper]

It's only easy to ghost doinks if the doinks simultaneously ghost you. If they keep poking and inserting themselves into your life, it's much harder. It can be done, but few people are as cynical as they'd like to be.

[gottawonder]

I think I could cut doinks out of my life if they weren't family, and you didn't have a lifetime of caring about them.

With my friend, this is her daughter, who was once a baby and a child that she nurtured. That she has become a person with addictions and mental illness and likely an expert manipulator doesn't remove the maternal instincts that make us want to protect our young.

I think it's monstrous to have an offspring become some kind of dangerous parasite.

[ratunderpaper]

The same is probably true of any person who was in a position of nurture and/or trust and "goes bad". Remember "Mommie Dearest"? She cut the kids out of her will, too!