The other side...

[gottawonder]

I've been on a knife's edge for a long time now, and although it seems like I'm blowing up out of nowhere, it's more like I'm stressed all the time nearly to the point of collapse, and any little thing is enough to break my composure.

Today my husband sniped at me in front of the guys, one of whom is also a friend of ours. It was about some shelves we bought a few days ago, that my husband just leaned up against the house outside. I made a comment about how the rain wasn't likely good for them, and he sniped about how I should have brought them inside if I didn't want them to get wet. That pissed me off, because when we brought them home, it was late, and HE was the one who didn't want to unload them from the truck that night (I offered to help unload), and HE was the one who couldn't be bothered to actually bring them into the house. Somehow, all of this was my fault, and he had to make me seem lazy in front of his friends. I waited until we were in the house alone and tore him a new ass for making me look like an idiot in front of the people working for us.

Then, he made a big stink about how some doors we took out of the trailer needed to go to the Habitat for Humanity, and again, I was lazy for not taking them, even though most days I've either been taking things to the dump, getting groceries, trying to mow the lawn or get stuff out of the garden, or trying to ride River. So I took them to town, even though I had no real reason other than dropping off some doors to make a 100km round trip. Seems reasonable, right?

This is when our friend asks me if I can buy some hot dog buns for him while I'm in town, and hands me some money, and says "I'm going to bring hot dogs tomorrow for lunch". This pissed me off because I'm a vegetarian, why would you bring meat to a vegetarian's house to cook? AT MY HOUSE!!! It's also a slap in the face because I've actually been putting in an effort to make some kind of lunch whenever they want one (sometimes they don't), and I make veggie burgers, naan bread with hummus and veggies, pizza sometimes, and I've been trying. This makes me feel like my food isn't good enough. So, I got pretty surly later, and told him to please not bring hot dogs, I have food and I'll try to make it taste good.

Then I was trying to get in and out of the yard with the truck, and I can't move there's so much dirt and concrete and vehicles everywhere. It's mud everywhere and I'm trying to stay clean to go to town. I come home and I can't park anywhere near the house, so I'm trying to carry bags of food from up the muddy lane, and the bag tears and everything falls in the muck, and I have to walk to the house for a cloth bag and walk back out and pick it all up out of the mud, wash it off in the house, and half of the jars unsealed so we have to use them right away.

On top of that, the old guy doing the basement supervision treats me like "the Little Woman". He talks to me like I'm either a developmentally challenged child, or a 50's house wife. He does that thing where he makes little jokes that you can't tell if he's making fun of you. Once again, is he a jerk, or is he just a socially awkward person?

Most days I barely see my husband. He's working all day, and so am I. He comes in and eats, wants to veg out in front of the computer, and goes to bed.

I am NOT a horrible person, but for a very long time now, it has just been overwhelming stress. Yes, I know that this project is a huge deal, and that it really is going well, and that it really will be meaningful and wonderful, but here's the other side. I know that we won't be done once the house is on the basement. After that begins the long haul. We have to build an addition. We have to patch and sand and repaint the entire interior (that will be almost %100 me, because my husband hates patching and painting) because of the cracks from moving. We have some electrical to replace. We have to move everything back in and find places for everything (again, almost %100 me, except for furniture). We will have rooms to build in the basement (a bathroom and a bedroom), next summer, if things go well, we'll be replacing windows (with more patching and sanding and painting indoors, never mind the mess), and insulating and residing the exterior. We will also have to fix all the mess in the yard; the torn up grass, the ruts, the dead spots of packed clay, and all the flower beds.

We spent seven years when we lived in Rock Springs in a state of never ceasing to work on the house (we moved just as it was slowing down). I know this had to be done, but I had really hoped we could get a new house (a modular). This house move WAS my idea, but only because in the bottom of my heart, I knew my husband would only replace the trailer if we got another "fixer upper". Honestly, he isn't alive if he isn't doing huge, horrible projects that no one else would ever want to do.

I'm so tired of following his visions of monstrous workloads ALL THE TIME.