Wednesday, November 26

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

Good sleep.

I really didn't do much today. I called Sister S, the one who had back surgery, and she wanted to talk for a long time.

I made a resolution to have a lighter-hearted conversation with her, as we always end up talking about death and poor health, but she went straight to death and poor health.

I'm sure that if anyone were to ask her, she would say I always bring it up, but I don't. I try to talk about things like our pottery studio, the horses, things I've done recently, but she always talks about death and poor health.

Just for fun, she tends to bring up her own poor health, but also gets upset if you talk to her about things that might help, however neutrally they are mentioned.

For example, the doctor says she needs to eat more protein to help her reduce the swelling in her legs. Without him ever asking what she is already eating. So I ask her, and she's eating eggs, meat, oatmeal, and apparently lots of peanut butter every day. So, to me, she's already eating a fair amount of protein for a tiny little inactive woman.

So I suggested...movement. Right away she gets upset, because I know she's having trouble walking. I can't help that, it's just a suggestion. Movement doesn't have to be walking, it can be seated exercises, it can be lying on your back in bed and elevating your feet and doing leg movements, there are things you can do.

Well, then she goes on to talk about how guilty she feels about Mom's death, like she should have done more. We've talked about this before...there are just things you can't control, and someone falling and breaking a hip and then getting an infection isn't something you can control.

I did my best to assure her, as I have many times before, that I think her and my brother did their best, and that she has nothing to feel badly about.

I think the whole "died peacefully" thing is just a myth, and I kind of wish they'd stop making it seem possible. From all I've heard, the best thing is just to die heavily medicated, which Mom was, and that most death is painful and awful and not very peaceful at all.

Then she talked about how her daughter in law's Mom is dying of cancer, and that woman is younger than my sister. Again, there's nothing to be done that isn't already being done. So I said the silver lining is that they all know she's dying, they might have a year or so with her, and they should do everything they can to spend that year in a meaningful way with her, and to make sure they know her last wishes.

Then my sister, as usual these days (and for just about every time I've talked to her in the last five years to be honest) talks about how she's likely not long for this world either. So, I said to her that she has the same course of action as her daughter in law's mother; figure out how you'd like to spend these last few years, try to make them meaningful, and figure out your last wishes.

If there's nothing you can control about death, then figure out what IS in your control, and go from there.

So that was fun.

After that I did usual chores and headed to the barn.

Thank you once again to the riding barn, for making me feel connected to life and the living.

I had a lesson with River today, and we had a productive one that addressed the issues with him rushing the trot in one direction with some games to play that can help him shift his brain from racing ahead to focusing on having more control and listening, and then also looked at his progress with mirroring, being accountable for staying with me at my chosen pace on the ground, and my use of correct cues with lunging/liberty circles.

I stayed to watch the next person's lesson, and to chat with her Mom. I enjoy chatting with this woman, we often have very good conversations.

Today she was curious about our pottery studio as her daughter is taking pottery at her school (her school must be a private school, as it sounds like it has a very good pottery studio and program). We talked about having a "beginner's mindset" as adults, and how personal growth is often uncomfortable.

Also, the girl having the lesson has great taste in music, and listens to music in her lesson. It's generally a talking point.

I also talked with R's husband K, who was teaching the lesson. He's a very nice person too, and we often have very good conversations.

I got to see the kittens briefly, and also the old barn cats who live in the tack room.

So, a good evening of gentle company.

I came home and my Sweetie had made supper and did the dishes (so nice to come home to warm food) and we chatted together before he headed off to bed. I praised him lavishly for his efforts. He had also worked on the goat pens for a while when he got home.

Comments

[ratunderpaper]

All this talk of death and poor health make me want to go out and buy something frivolous but delightful - an iPad, or coloured Christmas lights, or perfume, or ballet slippers, or a gold bracelet.

[gottawonder]

I sometimes feel like my Sister S needs some kind of kick in the pants to try to do something for herself before it's too late.

She needs real assisted physical therapy to walk better and to improve her strength, but doesn't seem motivated to look for it.

I mean, I personally would be following along with YouTube videos about seated exercises or ANYTHING rather than just sit there and do nothing for my mobility.

Yes, I too get off the phone with my sisters and often feel like our conversations are too morbid after a while. It's been very hard to get some of them to talk about anything besides poor health and death.

It does make me appreciate my own reasonably good health, the choices that I can make to continue to be reasonably okay, and the choices I have to embrace living.

I really appreciated my time at the riding barn last night. I had a good lesson with River, and good conversations with the people at the barn about our pottery studio, about music, and the importance of warm pants.

[ratunderpaper]

Even if you had fewer choices for optimal health, I'd bet you would choose wisely and with more happiness than some of the people you have mentioned. A good life did not simply bestow itself upon you; you've had a good hand in building it.

[gottawonder]

This is something I struggle with.

When certain members of my family experience suffering, I go back and forth over whether or not that suffering was in their control.

A few of them have smoked their entire lives up until very recently, and you can tell. While I'm not a cretin and I don't "rub it in", there's also a part of me that is just kind of...."what did you expect?".

While the "modern take" on addiction is that it is a disease that is completely out of control of the addict, I don't know what to think or feel about it. I don't think of addicts as less than human, less deserving of compassion, but at the same time, it's very confusing.

So Trainwreck having alcoholism wasn't her FAULT, but it's awful, and I guess there's also some other component to the shame of having this issue that stopped her from seeking help even though it was harmful to herself and everyone around her.

She still never admits that she is an alcoholic. Never did even when she was at death's door. She says she's quit drinking, but she hasn't done any of the therapy or work through AA that would address the mental/emotional side of the issue.

Anyhow, though I know I have no reason to feel badly about being in a generally good place in life, I struggle with the guilt of others not being in a good place.

I know a person should be allowed to be okay even if others are not, and not to think of it as "dumb luck" or random good fortune.

I've had to make choices in life, just as my sisters have. I know that SOMETIMES it is luck, but then I do see good fortune come to people who also waste that opportunity too.

Not all of my "good luck" has been easy to choose. Choosing to weather the years and years of long stretches of loneliness and isolation when my husband has to work away from home isn't some kind of sugar-coated gift from the gods. It's incredibly hard.

Do we have reasonable financial resources? Sure, we do NOW, after twenty years of my husband working for job security and investing in his company's shares every year when they offer them for sale.

Every year we bought the full allotment of share offerings available to him based on his years in (the longer you worked, the more shares you could buy, until you hit the cap).

Now we get good dividends.

He has worked long and hard, and eaten a fair amount of shit in that job. I've put up with a lot myself.

So, having financial security means weathering a lot of hard times emotionally and physically.

No one sees that kind of thing, and I don't think they can appreciate it if you tell them.

We have a nice place. They're not going to appreciate the nearly 20 years of hard slogging it's been to have that either.

While we did have decent health and decent intelligence, and such, none of what we have was just handed to us.

[ratunderpaper]

Children who are poorly treated have no defense or choices. If your siblings encountered unfortunate circumstances when they were very young, it's difficult to fault them for adopting bad life patterns later.

[gottawonder]

Sure.

It's incredibly difficult to be okay with people who systematically destroy themselves.

[ratunderpaper]

They tend to destroy relationships with others, too.