Wednesday, December 17
Dec. 18th, 2025 12:26 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gottawonderToday I am grateful for:
Good sleep.
It was storming when I got up, lots of wind and snow.
I felt frustrated by my conversation with Sister S today. She's the one who had back surgery, and is having a lot of issues with general mobility. I feel like she's depressed, which isn't surprising, but frustrated that she's not doing anything to improve things. I might be unreasonable for thinking that it's within her power to do anything to make life better right now, but what else is there?
She was talking about Christmas in a very depressing way; that NO ONE is doing ANYTHING for Christmas.
I know that our family typically does some kind of gathering for Christmas, not necessarily the day of, but somewhere in the vicinity of the day. I haven't been able to attend those for at least ten years now, because I am no longer willing to drive fifteen hours in the dead of winter one way to attend.
They used to rent a community space, then there was a room in a restaurant they used, and whoever could attend did so.
This year no one is planning anything. It's not surprising, many of our family are to the point where they don't want to travel far in the winter. The younger ones all have kids and jobs and such, and MIGHT make it...but aren't necessarily planning something.
So, if no one is doing anything this year that's a shame...BUT...if my Sister S had wanted, SHE could have been the one to ask everyone else a while ago if we were doing anything this year.
If she wants to, a lot of my family who still live around her area do go to the city she lives in for shopping fairly often. She could ask them to come visit her when they come in, and have some kind of visit near Christmas.
I suggested to Sister S that maybe she could talk to our nephew and his wife to see if they would like to drop by to visit and bring their kids. They life maybe 15 minutes away from Sister S.
Sister S was not happy about that suggestion either, for some reason.
I guess this all falls under the feeling that I have of always feeling responsible for other people's feelings. I know that Sister S isn't doing well, and I would like to help her feel better, or even to just sit with how she's feeling as a form of support, but every time I get off the phone with Sister S I just feel like I've failed her somehow, or said the wrong thing.
After the call, I did chores. I put blankets on Wonder and the ponies, and we took the goats to the garage as it was going to get much colder later. This time the goats were pretty easy to catch and get to the garage, partly because my husband came home early from work, and was helping.
I hadn't been planning on going to see River today, what with the snow fall and such, but for some reason my husband was really pushy about "helping me" and said he would take me to the barn and would drive and so on, and though I felt kind of like I was being pushed around by him, I did end up going.
R thought I was crazy for coming to the barn, and to be honest I FELT crazy for going. It was not horribly cold, I've ridden in similar temperatures often.
Well, whatever. I was there.
So I did my usual work with River, and it was fine.
We came home and my Sweetie still wanted to go outside and clear some snow with the snow blower, since it had stopped snowing.
I tried to talk with Sister E, though really, I don't know why. I feel like fewer and fewer of my calls with family give me any sense of connection or reward.
The whole conversation with her felt like work, where I felt like she didn't understand me, or I wasn't getting through. Maybe she was watching television and only half listening to me, or maybe she didn't care.
I tried talking about Sister S's depression, and how I thought that she COULD have people visit her, and Sister E was just like "but you don't understand how depression works, she's just too depressed to talk to people", which is maybe valid.
Yet, if Sister S is depressed about not seeing anyone for the holidays, wouldn't the ONLY solution be to invite people to come visit her?
Well, the whole day just felt like a day with bad script writers, or a day that didn't even get a script. I felt like talking with my sisters was pointless and frustrating, I was frustrated at first thinking I wasn't going to the barn and was planning on just relaxing at home until my husband made me feel like I HAD to go see River, and so on.
All day felt like any personal goals or needs or directives were just pointless to pursue, and at some point you just have to give up thinking you can affect anything or get any kind of satisfaction.
I'm glad the animals are okay, and that I was able to do the chores needed to take care of them. Pretty much everything else felt stupid.
Good sleep.
It was storming when I got up, lots of wind and snow.
I felt frustrated by my conversation with Sister S today. She's the one who had back surgery, and is having a lot of issues with general mobility. I feel like she's depressed, which isn't surprising, but frustrated that she's not doing anything to improve things. I might be unreasonable for thinking that it's within her power to do anything to make life better right now, but what else is there?
She was talking about Christmas in a very depressing way; that NO ONE is doing ANYTHING for Christmas.
I know that our family typically does some kind of gathering for Christmas, not necessarily the day of, but somewhere in the vicinity of the day. I haven't been able to attend those for at least ten years now, because I am no longer willing to drive fifteen hours in the dead of winter one way to attend.
They used to rent a community space, then there was a room in a restaurant they used, and whoever could attend did so.
This year no one is planning anything. It's not surprising, many of our family are to the point where they don't want to travel far in the winter. The younger ones all have kids and jobs and such, and MIGHT make it...but aren't necessarily planning something.
So, if no one is doing anything this year that's a shame...BUT...if my Sister S had wanted, SHE could have been the one to ask everyone else a while ago if we were doing anything this year.
If she wants to, a lot of my family who still live around her area do go to the city she lives in for shopping fairly often. She could ask them to come visit her when they come in, and have some kind of visit near Christmas.
I suggested to Sister S that maybe she could talk to our nephew and his wife to see if they would like to drop by to visit and bring their kids. They life maybe 15 minutes away from Sister S.
Sister S was not happy about that suggestion either, for some reason.
I guess this all falls under the feeling that I have of always feeling responsible for other people's feelings. I know that Sister S isn't doing well, and I would like to help her feel better, or even to just sit with how she's feeling as a form of support, but every time I get off the phone with Sister S I just feel like I've failed her somehow, or said the wrong thing.
After the call, I did chores. I put blankets on Wonder and the ponies, and we took the goats to the garage as it was going to get much colder later. This time the goats were pretty easy to catch and get to the garage, partly because my husband came home early from work, and was helping.
I hadn't been planning on going to see River today, what with the snow fall and such, but for some reason my husband was really pushy about "helping me" and said he would take me to the barn and would drive and so on, and though I felt kind of like I was being pushed around by him, I did end up going.
R thought I was crazy for coming to the barn, and to be honest I FELT crazy for going. It was not horribly cold, I've ridden in similar temperatures often.
Well, whatever. I was there.
So I did my usual work with River, and it was fine.
We came home and my Sweetie still wanted to go outside and clear some snow with the snow blower, since it had stopped snowing.
I tried to talk with Sister E, though really, I don't know why. I feel like fewer and fewer of my calls with family give me any sense of connection or reward.
The whole conversation with her felt like work, where I felt like she didn't understand me, or I wasn't getting through. Maybe she was watching television and only half listening to me, or maybe she didn't care.
I tried talking about Sister S's depression, and how I thought that she COULD have people visit her, and Sister E was just like "but you don't understand how depression works, she's just too depressed to talk to people", which is maybe valid.
Yet, if Sister S is depressed about not seeing anyone for the holidays, wouldn't the ONLY solution be to invite people to come visit her?
Well, the whole day just felt like a day with bad script writers, or a day that didn't even get a script. I felt like talking with my sisters was pointless and frustrating, I was frustrated at first thinking I wasn't going to the barn and was planning on just relaxing at home until my husband made me feel like I HAD to go see River, and so on.
All day felt like any personal goals or needs or directives were just pointless to pursue, and at some point you just have to give up thinking you can affect anything or get any kind of satisfaction.
I'm glad the animals are okay, and that I was able to do the chores needed to take care of them. Pretty much everything else felt stupid.
