Tuesday, January 20
Jan. 21st, 2026 12:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gottawonderToday I am grateful for:
Okay sleep, but the phone rang and woke me up about an hour early. I couldn't fall asleep again.
Roxy had an incident with #2, though she was wearing diapers. I think it surprised her to be trapped with it. She doesn't have that very often.
The wind was very strong early this morning, had settled by the time I got up, and was very windy again by evening.
I have fallen into this thing with Trainwreck again where she wants to call nearly every day, and that's another thing that makes me think she's drinking. When she's sober, she's out doing things. When she's drinking, she stays home (I guess she doesn't want to get caught drinking and driving in the city?) and that makes her all maudlin.
She talked today about not wanting to go out for supper with her son, because she didn't want him to "see" her. She said she just wanted to sleep, another red flag that pops up when she's drinking. She stops taking care of herself (she mentions not bothering to get dressed and not wanting to go out), she isolates, and she doesn't want people to see her.
Then she did one of her other favorite things to do when she's been drinking, "trauma wallowing", I call it. We for sure had a rough childhood, and HER rough childhood became her often self-induced rough adulthood without her ever really trying to get help with it, or having any self-awareness.
She likes to wallow in her rough childhood as a way to blame her life on something.
I am aware of the ways that my childhood has affected me, and I reflect on it sometimes, but I have worked pretty hard to also move past it, and to create a decent PRESENT for myself, and I don't BLAME everything I do on my past, but I know that what I choose to do NOW is up to me, and my outcomes are my choice too.
She prefers to just be a victim forever.
I get tired of her wanting to talk like this about the past. She says it helps her, but for myself, I just feel tired afterwards, because I have to go through it again and I've DONE that, and I've moved on. I don't want to keep repeating those thoughts anymore just to help her justify her own sad life.
I wish she would see a therapist, but she always makes it like they're evil or will make her talk about things she doesn't want to talk about, but somehow it's okay to talk about things with family. I wonder what she's actually worried about, maybe the therapist turning the conversation back to what she can be responsible for?
Anyhow, I chose to move on and live in the present again, and go do chores and head to the riding barn.
River did very well today, with lots of energy and focus. This is what he is like in the winter, and it's nice. By the time summer rolls around, he will be tired and lethargic and have trouble staying focused. I've had vets look at him, and they agree there is "something off" with his breathing, and likely it translates to not tolerating heat and dust and so on. I always miss his better energy in the winter.
He did well with the noise the tent-like arena was making in the wind. He did better today with trotting to the right, and not rushing or pulling.
I am enjoying the "new to me" music I put on my playlists. There are some 2025 tunes, but mostly just new as in my old ass hasn't heard them much.
Then I chatted with the person who had a lesson tonight as I was finishing up. She's had a rough couple of weeks. Her elderly dog passed last week, and the week before that one of her horses colicked, though he is doing okay.
She seemed really stoked about our pottery studio, and we talked about that for a while. She has taken a single day session that was super expensive, and I let her know about the studio I go to currently, which is a lot cheaper.
I'm considering whether I would want to teach a few friends at our studio at home, or if that is just going to lead to me feeling like it's not our private place any more.
If they made more than one or two things, we'd have to charge them something, and so on and so on. Then it might seem less fun. I would have to have lesson times with them, and then let them come use it on their own, or something.
Hm.
After riding I came home, and it was very windy again.
My Sweetie had supper ready (Yay for Sweetie!) and we ate and chatted.
Okay sleep, but the phone rang and woke me up about an hour early. I couldn't fall asleep again.
Roxy had an incident with #2, though she was wearing diapers. I think it surprised her to be trapped with it. She doesn't have that very often.
The wind was very strong early this morning, had settled by the time I got up, and was very windy again by evening.
I have fallen into this thing with Trainwreck again where she wants to call nearly every day, and that's another thing that makes me think she's drinking. When she's sober, she's out doing things. When she's drinking, she stays home (I guess she doesn't want to get caught drinking and driving in the city?) and that makes her all maudlin.
She talked today about not wanting to go out for supper with her son, because she didn't want him to "see" her. She said she just wanted to sleep, another red flag that pops up when she's drinking. She stops taking care of herself (she mentions not bothering to get dressed and not wanting to go out), she isolates, and she doesn't want people to see her.
Then she did one of her other favorite things to do when she's been drinking, "trauma wallowing", I call it. We for sure had a rough childhood, and HER rough childhood became her often self-induced rough adulthood without her ever really trying to get help with it, or having any self-awareness.
She likes to wallow in her rough childhood as a way to blame her life on something.
I am aware of the ways that my childhood has affected me, and I reflect on it sometimes, but I have worked pretty hard to also move past it, and to create a decent PRESENT for myself, and I don't BLAME everything I do on my past, but I know that what I choose to do NOW is up to me, and my outcomes are my choice too.
She prefers to just be a victim forever.
I get tired of her wanting to talk like this about the past. She says it helps her, but for myself, I just feel tired afterwards, because I have to go through it again and I've DONE that, and I've moved on. I don't want to keep repeating those thoughts anymore just to help her justify her own sad life.
I wish she would see a therapist, but she always makes it like they're evil or will make her talk about things she doesn't want to talk about, but somehow it's okay to talk about things with family. I wonder what she's actually worried about, maybe the therapist turning the conversation back to what she can be responsible for?
Anyhow, I chose to move on and live in the present again, and go do chores and head to the riding barn.
River did very well today, with lots of energy and focus. This is what he is like in the winter, and it's nice. By the time summer rolls around, he will be tired and lethargic and have trouble staying focused. I've had vets look at him, and they agree there is "something off" with his breathing, and likely it translates to not tolerating heat and dust and so on. I always miss his better energy in the winter.
He did well with the noise the tent-like arena was making in the wind. He did better today with trotting to the right, and not rushing or pulling.
I am enjoying the "new to me" music I put on my playlists. There are some 2025 tunes, but mostly just new as in my old ass hasn't heard them much.
Then I chatted with the person who had a lesson tonight as I was finishing up. She's had a rough couple of weeks. Her elderly dog passed last week, and the week before that one of her horses colicked, though he is doing okay.
She seemed really stoked about our pottery studio, and we talked about that for a while. She has taken a single day session that was super expensive, and I let her know about the studio I go to currently, which is a lot cheaper.
I'm considering whether I would want to teach a few friends at our studio at home, or if that is just going to lead to me feeling like it's not our private place any more.
If they made more than one or two things, we'd have to charge them something, and so on and so on. Then it might seem less fun. I would have to have lesson times with them, and then let them come use it on their own, or something.
Hm.
After riding I came home, and it was very windy again.
My Sweetie had supper ready (Yay for Sweetie!) and we ate and chatted.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-21 08:30 am (UTC)What is your current music playlist? I liked three songs from 2025: Sally (When the Wine Runs Out), Mystical Magical, and Nice to Meet You.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-21 09:29 pm (UTC)Bad Habits by Ed Sheeran, Cinderella by Remi Wolf that is 2024 but new to me this year, and I'm just starting to listen to a few songs by a group called Haute & Freddy that sound like amazing 80's music even though it's brand new. The videos are nuts!
I have a couple of different playlists, one is more like funk, and it's a mix of old and newer funk (think Mark Ronson and Jon Batiste as well as Steelers Wheels and James Brown).
Then I have my 'absolutely shameless' 80's power dance songs like "Pump up the Jam" and "Good Vibrations".
Then there's my "new songs" which is trying to be stuff that's more recent, and "new mix" that's just everything thrown together from Billy Idol to Iggy Pop and so on.
It's not very scientific or specifically organized, but I try to have a whole range of energy levels on there, but a lot of it is about having a steady beat. Dance songs and rock work well for us, as they tend to match a trot.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-22 05:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2026-01-22 07:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2026-01-21 09:36 pm (UTC)I don't know if you've heard them, but they're a great band, though I wonder if they are winding down now as they are approaching their 40's and I don't know if they're doing more albums.
Benson Boone is fun.
Nice to Meet you is fun too.
These all have a very similar vibe.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-22 05:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2026-01-21 09:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2026-01-22 05:29 am (UTC)