Tuesday, January 27
Jan. 27th, 2026 11:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gottawonderToday I am grateful for:
Decent sleep.
Working on feeling okay with just...being. No need to FEEL more than that.
I did speak with Sister E, and was focusing on NOT talking about TW. At first we talked about Sister E and her efforts to stay active through winter. She's in her 70s and has decent health and mobility.
Then she brings up TW, and wants to do that most fruitless of things, talk about how TW could be making her life better. At one point I stopped her and said "well, I've spent a huge portion of my life thinking about her situation, and it never does any good. She does whatever she does, and it never seems to have anything to do with what anyone else says or thinks, and maybe what we think she should do isn't what she needs. Never mind that she's not even hearing what we're saying right now, we're just talking about her. So here we are, spending MORE time talking about her pointlessly. I'd like to move on."
So we did, but again, here we were, talking uselessly about what TW should be doing.
I spoke with my Sweetie while he was at work. He's being assigned to another project that still means he can be home every night, but it's frustrating for him. The site he's at right now WILL be busy again in a few weeks, but because it slowed down he's being transferred to another project, which means learning all the ins and outs of THAT place, the scope of the job, the unfamiliar people (he rarely seems to work with the same people from his company because of the constant shuffling, and the subcontractors like welders and pipefitters etc. are always different), and so on.
He says that they don't even have someone in mind to pick up where he's leaving off, so that when the work picks up in five weeks they will scramble to find someone and THAT person will have to learn everything my husband was doing.
The company COULD have given my husband some fill-in office work to do for a while or something and then he could pick up in five weeks, but that would be too logical.
The hours will be different again, and he will no longer get Fridays off. Sigh. It's more hours, and he'll get overtime and "uplift" which is kind of like "this job sucks a bit so we're paying you above your base rate", but he will be busier.
I am relieved that he will still be home every night, and not on a job that requires him to work away.
I went out and did chores and such.
Then I went to the barn.
Pretty much just as I got working with River, my Sweetie dropped in and he stayed for our session together, which is nice.
River did very well overall, good energy and focus, and while he is still having some trouble going to the right, he's not rushing and trying to hold himself in the circle. You can tell that he's just not as strong to that side, or as flexible. Something's off.
Chatted with the person after me who was having a lesson, and R, and they were getting worked up over "the liberals" lying and stealing by asking for repayment of business relief (CEBA) from Covid...it sounded like they never actually understood the purpose of that money, or that it was a LOAN, and I wonder if they understood the terms of the applications.
I didn't know anything about the terms, but they (both small business owners) must have signed something, so they must have read and understood the terms, yes? Now they're making it sound like an illegal scam where they were lied to, and so on.
I'm like...go back and read the terms of your agreements?
I did my best to not say anything, as I'm pretty sure whatever I had to say wouldn't matter to them.
We went home, I returned Dandy to his people, and my husband went to the pottery shed to work on the wiring on the kiln that required a new end for the cables.
I made supper, and when he came in we chatted.
TW texted at some point, and she was apologizing for her behavior the other day, saying she's "not drinking now" and she "worked through what was bothering her" so it's all better now, truce?
Yeah, no.
I texted to her that she wasn't in the wrong for talking about how she felt, but it WAS wrong to say she wanted to die and then refuses to seek help for her ongoing issues.
I said that every time she drinks, she's risking death, and for her to say "that's okay" is not okay for me anymore.
I told her that far too often, how my day goes is determined by how HER day goes, and I lose a lot of time and energy from worrying from one day to the next how SHE is feeling, though that isn't her fault.
It's how I'm conditioned almost from birth to set my needs aside to worry about hers.
So, I said I'm going to see a therapist to work on things, and to figure out what I need to do for my own well-being and mental health, and that it could take a while.
It's not about whether these are "her problems" and she shouldn't talk to me about them, it's her refusal to get meaningful help, meaning that it's always going to be up, then down, then up, then down again.
It's about the little snarky jabs she sneaks in there sometimes to get a rise out of me. It's the talking about some of the sketchy things she's done and talking like it's just funny.
I'm just done.
I know that in some ways, I have become kind of hooked on her drama, and it causes a reaction in ME that I think I get some excitement from.
I want to learn to be okay with quiet, boring days that don't have me calling two other sisters to bitch to them about her. I want to learn what my own nervous system is like if it's not being elevated by contact with her.
I want to NOT THINK about her, which everyone seems to be making nearly impossible to do.
Decent sleep.
Working on feeling okay with just...being. No need to FEEL more than that.
I did speak with Sister E, and was focusing on NOT talking about TW. At first we talked about Sister E and her efforts to stay active through winter. She's in her 70s and has decent health and mobility.
Then she brings up TW, and wants to do that most fruitless of things, talk about how TW could be making her life better. At one point I stopped her and said "well, I've spent a huge portion of my life thinking about her situation, and it never does any good. She does whatever she does, and it never seems to have anything to do with what anyone else says or thinks, and maybe what we think she should do isn't what she needs. Never mind that she's not even hearing what we're saying right now, we're just talking about her. So here we are, spending MORE time talking about her pointlessly. I'd like to move on."
So we did, but again, here we were, talking uselessly about what TW should be doing.
I spoke with my Sweetie while he was at work. He's being assigned to another project that still means he can be home every night, but it's frustrating for him. The site he's at right now WILL be busy again in a few weeks, but because it slowed down he's being transferred to another project, which means learning all the ins and outs of THAT place, the scope of the job, the unfamiliar people (he rarely seems to work with the same people from his company because of the constant shuffling, and the subcontractors like welders and pipefitters etc. are always different), and so on.
He says that they don't even have someone in mind to pick up where he's leaving off, so that when the work picks up in five weeks they will scramble to find someone and THAT person will have to learn everything my husband was doing.
The company COULD have given my husband some fill-in office work to do for a while or something and then he could pick up in five weeks, but that would be too logical.
The hours will be different again, and he will no longer get Fridays off. Sigh. It's more hours, and he'll get overtime and "uplift" which is kind of like "this job sucks a bit so we're paying you above your base rate", but he will be busier.
I am relieved that he will still be home every night, and not on a job that requires him to work away.
I went out and did chores and such.
Then I went to the barn.
Pretty much just as I got working with River, my Sweetie dropped in and he stayed for our session together, which is nice.
River did very well overall, good energy and focus, and while he is still having some trouble going to the right, he's not rushing and trying to hold himself in the circle. You can tell that he's just not as strong to that side, or as flexible. Something's off.
Chatted with the person after me who was having a lesson, and R, and they were getting worked up over "the liberals" lying and stealing by asking for repayment of business relief (CEBA) from Covid...it sounded like they never actually understood the purpose of that money, or that it was a LOAN, and I wonder if they understood the terms of the applications.
I didn't know anything about the terms, but they (both small business owners) must have signed something, so they must have read and understood the terms, yes? Now they're making it sound like an illegal scam where they were lied to, and so on.
I'm like...go back and read the terms of your agreements?
I did my best to not say anything, as I'm pretty sure whatever I had to say wouldn't matter to them.
We went home, I returned Dandy to his people, and my husband went to the pottery shed to work on the wiring on the kiln that required a new end for the cables.
I made supper, and when he came in we chatted.
TW texted at some point, and she was apologizing for her behavior the other day, saying she's "not drinking now" and she "worked through what was bothering her" so it's all better now, truce?
Yeah, no.
I texted to her that she wasn't in the wrong for talking about how she felt, but it WAS wrong to say she wanted to die and then refuses to seek help for her ongoing issues.
I said that every time she drinks, she's risking death, and for her to say "that's okay" is not okay for me anymore.
I told her that far too often, how my day goes is determined by how HER day goes, and I lose a lot of time and energy from worrying from one day to the next how SHE is feeling, though that isn't her fault.
It's how I'm conditioned almost from birth to set my needs aside to worry about hers.
So, I said I'm going to see a therapist to work on things, and to figure out what I need to do for my own well-being and mental health, and that it could take a while.
It's not about whether these are "her problems" and she shouldn't talk to me about them, it's her refusal to get meaningful help, meaning that it's always going to be up, then down, then up, then down again.
It's about the little snarky jabs she sneaks in there sometimes to get a rise out of me. It's the talking about some of the sketchy things she's done and talking like it's just funny.
I'm just done.
I know that in some ways, I have become kind of hooked on her drama, and it causes a reaction in ME that I think I get some excitement from.
I want to learn to be okay with quiet, boring days that don't have me calling two other sisters to bitch to them about her. I want to learn what my own nervous system is like if it's not being elevated by contact with her.
I want to NOT THINK about her, which everyone seems to be making nearly impossible to do.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-28 07:31 am (UTC)That said, I hope our PM follows up wisely on that good speech of his.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-28 08:54 pm (UTC)When she got out of the hospital, she had stopped so I was trying to be supportive by talking with her.
It was very different, to talk to her as a sober person.
The last couple of weeks I noticed her old habits sneaking in; gossip, snarkiness, baiting me, and then "needing to sleep".
It also went from talking to her once or twice a week to her calling every day, because when she's in a bad place all she does is sit in her place and rotate through the family that speaks to her until she passes out again. Literally comes to, phones someone, passes out again, tries someone else, etc.
Sister S says sometimes TW calls her a few times a day.
I know that sometimes I call people too, when I'm lonely. It's a human thing, but her calls have this morbid tone when she's like that.
Anyhow, I don't know if I can even set a boundary with TW, besides no calls. I feel like if I tried something like once a week, that would slide pretty quickly.
I don't even want to go through the hope of talking with her sober, because I don't think she can stay that way. Never mind that even sober means she hasn't dealt with the emotional issues that she has.
For now, I just want to see what it feels like not to think about her, and here I am, starting my day with a post about her.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-29 04:51 am (UTC)