February 1
Feb. 2nd, 2026 02:04 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gottawonderToday I am grateful for:
Good sleep, after not falling asleep easily.
The support pillow is comfy, the two new regular pillows are maybe a bit too big? We'll see.
Waking up to have my Sweetie in the house.
He made breakfast, I washed the dishes.
Then we went outside to do chores, and then to the pottery shed to assemble the shelving units. They weren't too tough to put together with two people, but would have been awkward with one.
Then I headed to the riding barn.
River did well today, good energy and focus. We worked on the four pylon pattern, and ridden work. He did well today to the right, stayed relaxed and didn't speed up, and when I rode a smaller circle didn't pull to the outside.
I saw K briefly, who expressed that he isn't a fan of going to Ikea, when I mentioned our trip yesterday. I wonder if it's really that it's crowded, or if it's because it's often crowded with people of diverse backgrounds. He's come across as being "ethnic adverse" a few times before.
I came home, returned Dandy to his people, and went inside. My Sweetie had supper ready because he wanted to be in bed in good time.
This week he changes to the new job site, which thankfully means he will be home at night still. It will mean learning a different drive to work, and he will be working Fridays again, so overall he will be working 48 hours a week. Sleep is going to be EVEN MORE important.
Sigh.
I haven't been talking with TW this week at all, since her declaration of the desire to die that pushed me over the edge.
No, I'm not "too sensitive", as has been suggested by some people in my family, who wonder why I let these things get to me.
The thing is, TW doesn't talk to them like that. She only seems to talk to ME like that. Probably BECAUSE I am sensitive.
The last couple of years has been very strenuous emotionally with regards to her issues.
It was only two years ago, give or take, that she was still living in the shitty trailer in an abandoned ghost town in the middle of nowhere, drinking herself to death THERE too. She no longer could shower or use the toilet in her trailer, so was forced to "do her business in a coffee tin and toss it out the car on her way to town", and to shower at some sleazy guy's place, or at Sister N's. She wasn't hardly worrying about doing laundry, or bothering to eat.
She would call me up, obviously drunk, and be like "I hate my life, I'll never get out of here, I hate being alive".
I tried seeing if social services would do a wellness check on her, but it wasn't in their jurisdiction (only in the city). The local fire fighters or police wouldn't go either. I was hoping that if someone saw how she was living, they would force her to get help, or condemn her trailer.
Finally she found a buyer for her trailer, though she kept talking like he wasn't offering her enough money for her treasure of a property. She had her adult sons come out and take truckload after truckload to the dump, or to take valuable things with them to use or sell (there were lots of tools, car parts, ladders, etc. from her deceased partner).
Then, she was able to move into the lodge in the town nearby, which meant a small but clean, safe apartment with other people around who were friends, and didn't have to drive half an hour to be in town for food and social activity.
Then THAT wasn't enough. She hated her small apartment. She was sick of her friends. She hated being in town and said she missed her shitty trailer because at least she had a big yard and could run around naked.
So she ended up in the hospital, mostly dead from drinking and malnutrition. I'm hazy on this, because I know shortly after this episode, she was back in the hospital again because she had issues with her liver or something...? I know it was twice. They kept her in for weeks at one point.
Then she was lucky enough to live, her sons moved her to a rent controlled apartment complex in the small city where it's close to the sons, and she could see them more often, which is what she said she wanted.
She was cleaned up from being in the hospital, was trying to see her sons regularly, was trying to go out and do things in the community.
Then she started drinking again this last time, and the same thing. "I hate my life, I don't want to be alive".
People have gone through hell this past two years (and to be honest, for her whole life) trying to get her out of that trailer and into safe housing, moving all of her hoarded stuff and dealing with her terrible attitude and her poor health. They've done everything they possibly can given the circumstances to make her life as good as it can be.
Without getting ongoing mental health support and attending AA, she won't ever recognize that it's just up to her whether or not she's going to find any reason to live.
This week has been odd for me. I won't say that I don't have my own issues separate from how her life affects me, but I don't even know who I am without feeling guilt and responsibility for her, and worrying about her.
I feel like this week has been...like I'm faking something? Pretending she's not there? Like I'm not fooling anyone by standing up for myself?
I didn't think about her much today, but I still did. The very act of trying to put someone out of your thoughts does mean you think about them, and I was thinking about how PEACEFUL it feels not to talk to her, and felt guilty about feeling okay.
I'm hoping that at some point, I won't feel guilty anymore for being okay. That it's okay to allow myself to be happy sometimes, and not think that I don't deserve to be happy sometimes.
To be okay with having a husband, our animals, and so on and that it is okay to have those good things in my life without feeling guilty for having it, and worrying that it might all come crashing down because of my arrogance.
I want to spend days at a time not feeling bad for TW or my other family, just living in the present around me.
To actually be able to not feel responsible for solving other people's problems, or feel obligated to take on their pain.
I do have my appointment this Thursday, and won't it be nice to have someone tell me that it's okay to let it all go. It's not my job. I don't have to feel bad for having good things in my life.
Good sleep, after not falling asleep easily.
The support pillow is comfy, the two new regular pillows are maybe a bit too big? We'll see.
Waking up to have my Sweetie in the house.
He made breakfast, I washed the dishes.
Then we went outside to do chores, and then to the pottery shed to assemble the shelving units. They weren't too tough to put together with two people, but would have been awkward with one.
Then I headed to the riding barn.
River did well today, good energy and focus. We worked on the four pylon pattern, and ridden work. He did well today to the right, stayed relaxed and didn't speed up, and when I rode a smaller circle didn't pull to the outside.
I saw K briefly, who expressed that he isn't a fan of going to Ikea, when I mentioned our trip yesterday. I wonder if it's really that it's crowded, or if it's because it's often crowded with people of diverse backgrounds. He's come across as being "ethnic adverse" a few times before.
I came home, returned Dandy to his people, and went inside. My Sweetie had supper ready because he wanted to be in bed in good time.
This week he changes to the new job site, which thankfully means he will be home at night still. It will mean learning a different drive to work, and he will be working Fridays again, so overall he will be working 48 hours a week. Sleep is going to be EVEN MORE important.
Sigh.
I haven't been talking with TW this week at all, since her declaration of the desire to die that pushed me over the edge.
No, I'm not "too sensitive", as has been suggested by some people in my family, who wonder why I let these things get to me.
The thing is, TW doesn't talk to them like that. She only seems to talk to ME like that. Probably BECAUSE I am sensitive.
The last couple of years has been very strenuous emotionally with regards to her issues.
It was only two years ago, give or take, that she was still living in the shitty trailer in an abandoned ghost town in the middle of nowhere, drinking herself to death THERE too. She no longer could shower or use the toilet in her trailer, so was forced to "do her business in a coffee tin and toss it out the car on her way to town", and to shower at some sleazy guy's place, or at Sister N's. She wasn't hardly worrying about doing laundry, or bothering to eat.
She would call me up, obviously drunk, and be like "I hate my life, I'll never get out of here, I hate being alive".
I tried seeing if social services would do a wellness check on her, but it wasn't in their jurisdiction (only in the city). The local fire fighters or police wouldn't go either. I was hoping that if someone saw how she was living, they would force her to get help, or condemn her trailer.
Finally she found a buyer for her trailer, though she kept talking like he wasn't offering her enough money for her treasure of a property. She had her adult sons come out and take truckload after truckload to the dump, or to take valuable things with them to use or sell (there were lots of tools, car parts, ladders, etc. from her deceased partner).
Then, she was able to move into the lodge in the town nearby, which meant a small but clean, safe apartment with other people around who were friends, and didn't have to drive half an hour to be in town for food and social activity.
Then THAT wasn't enough. She hated her small apartment. She was sick of her friends. She hated being in town and said she missed her shitty trailer because at least she had a big yard and could run around naked.
So she ended up in the hospital, mostly dead from drinking and malnutrition. I'm hazy on this, because I know shortly after this episode, she was back in the hospital again because she had issues with her liver or something...? I know it was twice. They kept her in for weeks at one point.
Then she was lucky enough to live, her sons moved her to a rent controlled apartment complex in the small city where it's close to the sons, and she could see them more often, which is what she said she wanted.
She was cleaned up from being in the hospital, was trying to see her sons regularly, was trying to go out and do things in the community.
Then she started drinking again this last time, and the same thing. "I hate my life, I don't want to be alive".
People have gone through hell this past two years (and to be honest, for her whole life) trying to get her out of that trailer and into safe housing, moving all of her hoarded stuff and dealing with her terrible attitude and her poor health. They've done everything they possibly can given the circumstances to make her life as good as it can be.
Without getting ongoing mental health support and attending AA, she won't ever recognize that it's just up to her whether or not she's going to find any reason to live.
This week has been odd for me. I won't say that I don't have my own issues separate from how her life affects me, but I don't even know who I am without feeling guilt and responsibility for her, and worrying about her.
I feel like this week has been...like I'm faking something? Pretending she's not there? Like I'm not fooling anyone by standing up for myself?
I didn't think about her much today, but I still did. The very act of trying to put someone out of your thoughts does mean you think about them, and I was thinking about how PEACEFUL it feels not to talk to her, and felt guilty about feeling okay.
I'm hoping that at some point, I won't feel guilty anymore for being okay. That it's okay to allow myself to be happy sometimes, and not think that I don't deserve to be happy sometimes.
To be okay with having a husband, our animals, and so on and that it is okay to have those good things in my life without feeling guilty for having it, and worrying that it might all come crashing down because of my arrogance.
I want to spend days at a time not feeling bad for TW or my other family, just living in the present around me.
To actually be able to not feel responsible for solving other people's problems, or feel obligated to take on their pain.
I do have my appointment this Thursday, and won't it be nice to have someone tell me that it's okay to let it all go. It's not my job. I don't have to feel bad for having good things in my life.
