Wednesday, March 4

[gottawonder]

Today I am grateful for:

Good sleep. I got up a little earlier today than I have been, on my own (no alarm).

Again, how nice it is when the cats aren't screaming for me to wake up.

I did feel my anxiety today, at the usual time, though I am just starting to accept that this anxiety doesn't MEAN anything, and that I don't have to DO anything about it.

I did feel a bit bummed again that my decision to distance from TW might mean I have very little contact with anyone in my family, as it seems that at one time we all called each other to talk about how Mom was doing, then how TW was doing, and now it seems that it is not enough to talk with each other about our lives.

I did so some drumming, which was nice, and some stretching, also nice. Not a bad way to start the day.

Then I did chores, and Brownie is still bleeding a bit. Sigh. She seems otherwise fine.

I did put Dandy in with Wonder today, and they seemed pretty happy to see each other.

Then I went to the small town nearby for fuel, then onward to the barn for our lesson.

I'm happy that the scrape on River's leg doesn't seem to be bothering him. It will take some time for that to heal up, as it's kind of a large area abraded enough to take the hair off and scab over. I sure hope the hair comes back on it.

Our lesson went well today. We went over some basics, then ran through the four pylon pattern, and then I showed her something I've been working on a bit, to make sure I'm not going to mess up some other aspect of our training, then did some work on a different pattern that R is thinking of using as a class in a show.

My Sweetie showed up part way through, which is nice, and R's husband K also sat in. It's nice and social.

As we were finishing up and putting things away, R's daughter L came into the barn and we all chatted some more.

Then we went home, and supper was easy tonight as we had soup and leftovers in the fridge. My Sweetie cooked eggs for himself, since I think he needs more protein.

Then we watched another episode of "Slow Horses", though I'm getting a bit lost because there are too many Russian characters in this season and I can't keep the names straight.

It's interesting that this show is perfectly willing to kill off characters, that does lend a sense of investment. I've watched too many shows where the characters get into absolutely ridiculous amounts of danger but you're never actually worried for them because you know they won't kill anyone off.

Comments

[ratunderpaper]

Perhaps this shift in family dynamic will offer you some measure of respect from those who previously saw family members as pieces from a matched set instead of individuals. You can call the shots on the amount of connection or distance you get, according to your own needs and wants.

[gottawonder]

I know what you mean. Our family is big enough that we have cliques within it, of people who seem to like each other, and those who stand somewhat apart.

I do feel like my own emotions have been far too reflective of TW's in the last several years; that's the kind of person I am. I got heavily invested in trying to help her, she loves the attention but had no intention of getting help.

I know that likely Sister S is done talking with me except what's necessary, because far too often I would turn to my other sisters when I had a bad day with TW.

Yet, I get the impression that Sister S still wants to support TW. Go figure.

All of it is a strange, tangled dynamic that feeds on our childhood trauma. A lot of that trauma wasn't even my own personal experience, and I had DIFFERENT trauma, some of it coming from the lives of my sisters.

I've lived far too much of my life in the shadows of "our shared trauma" that gets recited over and over again like a mantra and a free pass.

I have the rest of my life ahead of me, and while I can't exactly author it, I can influence it, and I don't have to paint all of it with the colors of our past.

[cf2princessawnw]

I hope that in time, your relatives will find a new normal of conversation with you. At least with mine in the past, it took a while but it was possible. Sending a hug of support

[gottawonder]

It's a bit like that saying, where if you tell someone NOT to think about a white bear, that will be very difficult.

I don't want my family to think they're in trouble if they mention TW, but at the same time, I don't want them being "go-betweens" for her either.

It's not like we don't have lives and other things we can talk about, and hopefully we can expand on that.